On the surface, summer seemed like a good idea. No more
school meant no more lunches, homework, carpool, crying parents, etc. But what
we didn’t factor in was that the boys would be here. In the house. All. The.
Time.
That wouldn’t be so much of an issue if they didn’t seem to
hate each other. On second thought, “hate” might be unfair. Loath is probably
more accurate.
Since the last school bell rang, they have fought
continuously. UFC fighters should come here to get a lesson on stamina.
Yelling, screaming, tears, wrestling, punches… and that’s just first thing in
the morning about who gets to use the bathroom.
There are three of them. We have three bathrooms…
You should see what happens when they get to the toaster. We
only have one toaster. Blood has been shed over toast, my friends.
My wife and I want to leave, but the amount of time we have
in mind would be considered an act of criminal negligence.
Our home phone, on the other hand, decided it had had
enough. It went on vacation without us. I mean, the actual body of the phone is
still here on the kitchen counter, but apparently all its internal virtual
phone-ness has left. It has moved to Huasna, CA.
We have one of our old cell phones as a home phone for the
boys, because we try very hard not to appear criminally negligent. Right there
on the home screen, reporting a much nicer day, weather-wise, than we are
having, our phone inexplicably thinks it’s in someplace called Huasna. (Since I
have no idea how to pronounce that, I am going with “Wah-snah,” but you are
free to pronounce it “Who-as-nay,” or “Fresno,” or however else you see fit.)
I don’t know exactly what happened. I’m not sure if our
phone got as tired of the boys’ constant fighting as we did, or if it just
needed a break from the big city hustle and bustle here in Rocklin. Either way,
it picked a place where no one would ever find it.
I looked up Huasna, CA on Google maps, and let me tell you,
the middle of nowhere is Times Square compared to Huasna. I’m not sure how my
phone decided to go there, since I have never been within a hundred miles of
downtown Huasna. And when I say “downtown,” I mean the intersection of Huasna
Road and Huasna Townsite Road, where there is nothing.
If my phone has been there more than a week, I’m assuming it’s
already the mayor of Huasna. I think it will be a fair and just leader of the
Huasnians. It has been a reliable and trustworthy phone, and it has all the
answers, since it has a Google search bar on the home screen.
I have to assume that the Huasnians have no electricity or
running water, so they might never have seen a cell phone before. For all I
know, they are worshipping our home phone as a god. I hope the power doesn’t go
to its head.
Speaking of power, I also have to assume it will be home
soon, since it will have no way to charge itself in the rolling hills of the Huasna
countryside. And I’m guessing it hasn’t called to check in because the Huasnians
have never heard of cell signals or wifi. Someone will probably bring it home
in a month or two in a cart pulled by donkeys or oxen.
No matter, though. Even if it gets back soon, we don’t need
a home phone for a while. In a few days we’re going to all get into a car
together and drive across the country.
Together.
Sitting right next to each other with our knees touching. What
could possibly go wrong?
Maybe they could drop me off in Huasna to visit the phone?
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
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