Here’s the problem: A millennium or so ago, I used to be a
sixteen-year-old male with a brand-new driver’s license, and I remember what I
was like.
***Spoiler Alert*** I was not a good driver.
Within three days of passing my driver’s test (with a score
of one hundred percent, I might add) I managed to get my parents’ car up on its
side in a ditch.
I didn’t waste any time proving that test scores and
real-life common sense are two completely separate things. I mean, I didn’t
even have the actual plastic license yet before I learned my first major motor
vehicle physics lesson. I still had the temporary printed half-sheet of paper
folded up in my pocket when I stood on the passenger door and climbed straight
up out of the driver’s window.
Well over the posted speed limit on a country road, plus a
ninety-degree corner, plus an idiot driver equals one pretty banged up Audi
5000, and thanks to the miracle of seatbelts, three unscathed moronic teenage
boys.
Fast-forward through many more hair-raising automobile
exploits and an eventual increase in calm and skill level, and we arrive at yesterday
– the day my wife had me scheduled to take Son Number One, who is almost fifteen,
out to an abandoned parking lot somewhere and start the process of teaching him
to drive.
I just don’t think that’s a good idea at all.
I successfully stalled long enough yesterday and again today
to run out of time. Things just “kept coming up.” But there is very little
chance, and by very little, I mean zero, that she’s going to let that happen
again tomorrow.
She keeps saying, “He has to learn, and the sooner the
better,” but I just don’t agree. I see no upside for letting him get his
license. Ever.
I know what he will do. It will not be pretty. Tires will
smoke. Brakes will howl. Metal will crumple. Insurance claims will be
processed. Sleep will be lost. Metric tons of money will vaporize from our bank
accounts.
She keeps trying to make the argument that he won’t be as
bad as I was. I keep agreeing with her. Based on what I’m seeing from him,
he’ll be much worse.
But she won’t listen to reason. In the end, she keeps
defaulting to the argument I hear other people make all the time. They say it’s
great when the first kid starts to drive because they can take over shuttling
the younger siblings to school and sports.
But as far as I can tell, that’s probably the worst
argument for it. When I put our Audi on its side, I was with two guys I
actually liked. We were all getting along, and no one was mad or yelling at
each other.
I can’t imagine what will happen inside the car when it is
only occupied by our sons, whom, based on our observations, alternate rapidly between
hating each other and just barely tolerating each other.
They might drive off a cliff. (Which, incidentally, I also
almost did in my parents Jeep, about three months after getting my license.)
Please pray for our family. And our eligibility for auto
insurance.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
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