So many of you needed to use my DIY Christmas letter this
year that it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if you’ve also failed to plan ahead
for your New Year’s resolutions. Have no fear. I’ve got you covered, hopeless slackers.
Just choose one entry from each column to construct your new
resolution. If you are super ambitious and want more than one resolution that you
can abandon before the middle of January, just repeat the easy four-step
process.
Now, get to it. There’s no time to lose.
|
COLUMN 1
|
COLUMN 2
|
COLUMN 3
|
COLUMN 4
|
|
|
|
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|
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Stop
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cooking meth
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after
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running a 5K
|
|
Step up my
|
meditating
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while posting about
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crying uncontrollably
|
|
Keep
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singing loudly
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during
|
weightlifting
|
|
Envision
|
talking back
|
in the middle of
|
making love
|
|
Start
|
ignoring the pain
|
while livestreaming
|
disinfecting the hookah
|
|
Avoid
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making painful small talk
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prior to
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vaping
|
|
Quit
|
drowning my sorrows
|
while filming strangers
|
dialing 911
|
|
Try
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talking to the voices
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before
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working the crowd
|
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Practice
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increasing my swagger
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while
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sifting through the wreckage of my life
|
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Effort toward
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hot-tubbing
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when I’m done
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babbling hysterically
|
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Continue
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winking
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while shouting at people
|
smoking hash
|
|
Work my way into
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screaming
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in addition to
|
buying burritos
|
|
Begin
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making an impact
|
immediately before
|
running from the cops
|
There you go. Now get out there and make those resolutions
stick. You got this!
No need to thank me, it’s just what I do.
Happy New Year!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
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