Our regularly scheduled column has been rudely preempted by Ski
Week.
Yes, that’s right, I said Ski Week. Instead of celebrating the
glorious birthdays of Martin Van Buren and William Henry Harrison on two
separate Mondays in February, like we all did when we were young, our school
district changed things up. Apparently, they think we’re all rich.
They tacked on three extra president’s days to the previous
two, and lined them all up in a row this week. This phenomenon is nicknamed “Ski
Week,” so the idea, apparently, is that we’re all supposed to head up to the slopes
and spend the education-free week on a ski vacation. I guess I forgot to let our
school district know that we don’t have thirty-eight thousand dollars lying
around for just such an occasion.
And our school district failed to check with any of the
surrounding districts to see if they were also populated by the idle rich and
doing the same thing. Turns out they’re not. Since my wife teaches in a
neighboring district, our ski week, could we afford it, would be momless.
Sure, we might be able to shave a few thousand bucks off the
total cost with one less lift ticket and no overpriced ski lodge chardonnay,
but if you think I’m taking these three monkeys skiing by myself, you’ve
obviously been drinking something a lot stronger than wine.
So, what I’m telling you is, the kids in Rocklin, which
unfortunately includes MY kids, have the ENTIRE damn week off. And not only
that, but this particular week has weekends on BOTH sides of it! Do you know
what that means? It means my three boys have been here at home with me now for
five whole days in a row already, and we still have four more whole days, also
in that row, left before they go back to school.
Those of you with kids, or those of you who have met kids
before, should now understand the fact that I’ve got nothing done in the
last five days, and that trend will continue for the next four. In particular, I
haven’t been able to write this column. I haven’t been able to do anything
useful. (Author’s note to aspiring writers: Take notice of how I deftly implied
that this column is actually useful through the trickery of italics, even
though there is absolutely no historical evidence that would support that claim.)
So, to all of you who are not currently on a weeks-long
ski vacation, I apologize for not having a column for you today. I don’t know
why our school district is choosing not to celebrate the President’s Days as
our forefathers intended, but one thing is certain – our distinguished eighth
and ninth presidents are rolling over in their ornate, gold and
diamond-encrusted graves.
As for you folks who are swooshing down the slopes
this week and sipping expensive ski lodge cocktails in plush leather chairs in front
of magnificent fireplaces while I spend another day eating cold pizza and refereeing
at the World Brothers Wrestling Federation, I’ll say this:
I am NOT sorry that I don’t have a column for you this week.
You’re probably too busy to read it anyway, what with all your swooshing, and expensive
sipping, and plush fireplace sitting, and stacking gold coins in your Rolls
Royce, and snorting caviar, and whatever else it is you people do.
But I’m not bitter. I would never wish for you to have a skiing
accident and break a bone or anything like that. That’s just not right.
But I do kinda wish you’d fall off your wallet in the lodge and
get a mild sprain.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
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