As you know, America, and dare I say, the entire civilized
world, is currently panicking about the coronavirus. Trustworthy answers are
scarce, so naturally many of you have turned to the only truly trusted source
for information left – the Ask Smidge advice column.
Our asksmidge@gmail.com
inbox has been overflowing with questions from concerned citizens, like
yourselves, who just want straight answers about the dangers we face from this
hideous, devastating, completely unique in every way, threat to our very existence.
You ask, we answer! (As always in a fact-based and
completely non-controversial manner.)
Smidge,
What is the name of this thing? Is it the Corona virus, the coronavirus,
the novel coronavirus, or COVID-19?
Curious in Coeur d’Alene
Dear Curious,
It’s all of them. It actually started as four different
viruses that were all ganging up to take over the world. When they meet, they
form a totally new strain. There are actually six million different strains now,
they’re just not telling us. And speaking of names, Coeur d’Alene translates to
“heart of an awl.” Love your city, but that name is kinda dumb.
Smidge,
Why are they calling it the “novel coronavirus?”
Confused in Carson City
Dear Confused,
They call it that because each day someone sends you a novel
on how to wash your hands. They are considering renaming it the J. R. R.
Tolkienvirus.
Smidge,
Why are people hoarding toilet paper? I don’t understand the
connection between the flu and toilet paper.
Shopping in Sheboygan
Dear Shopping,
There is no connection. These people are also buying and
hoarding paste as well as toilet paper. They are making large toilet paper
forts inside their homes, then they sit in the forts and eat paste. And their boogers.
Smidge,
I have been to five stores and can’t find any toilet paper.
What is the matter with people? And where can I get some TP?
Frustrated in Fargo
Dear Frustrated,
I feel your pain. The stores are all sold out, but the good
news is that the CDC and the WHO (the band, not the health people) both recently
endorsed looting and pillaging at this time, as long as proper “social
distancing” rules are observed. Stay safe out there!
Smidge,
Why are stores sold out of soap? Shouldn’t this coronavirus
thing maybe account for a small increase in soap purchases? Didn’t people wash
their hands before this?
Soapless in Seattle
Dear Soapless,
No, most people are gross. This situation is many people’s
first encounter with soap. Case in point, they tested a bunch of McDonald’s order
touchscreens and every one of them tested positive for fecal bacteria. And
boogers. If you see someone hoarding toilet paper and soap, you can have some
fun by telling them that you heard peeing on an electric fence is the best way
to become immune to the coronavirus. Enjoy!
Smidge,
I’m getting conflicting information at my local bar. Does the
Corona virus come from Corona beer?
Switching to Pacifico in Pacifica
Dear Switching,
No, Corona beer does not carry the virus. Not the beer
itself. The bartender who handed you the beer after eating at McDonald’s carries
the virus.
Smidge,
Are the people who want their Instagram posts to go “viral”
the same people who can’t understand why politicians can’t stop the coronavirus?
Wondering in Waikiki
Dear Wondering,
Yes. They are toilet paper fort-building booger eaters.
Smidge,
My stock portfolio is taking a major hit with this whole
thing. What can I do?
Worried in Wichita
Dear Worried,
Sell everything and dump it all into any company that makes
toilet paper, hand sanitizer, or soap. Hurry.
Smidge,
Should we continue to shake hands with each other? I want to
be careful, but I don’t want to be rude.
Cordial in Cambridge
Dear Cordial,
No, stop shaking hands immediately. But not because of the
coronavirus. Because half of the country is out of toilet paper and soap.
Smidge,
They just canceled school for an entire district near us,
and our school district just canceled every non-classroom event, including outdoor
sports. This is madness. What on earth are we doing? What has happened to
common sense?
Frustrated in Fairfield
Dear Frustrated,
Don’t worry. We’re planning on holding a mandatory meeting of
all school district administrators soon. We’re holding the meeting on a cruise
ship.
Smidge,
What ever happened with the swine flu, the bird flu, SARS, MERS,
that Zika virus, and acid rain?
Questioning in Queens
Dear Questioning,
What a great question.
Stay safe out there, folks. Wash your hands as often as you
can with rum, tequila, or lighter fluid, and stock up on coffee filters and fast
food napkins. (Just not the ones from McDonald’s!)
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
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