Dear folks in charge of the decision making down at the School
District,
It has come to my attention that you are still planning to
have “spring break” next week. I am writing to ask that you seriously
reconsider that plan, because frankly, it’s stupid.
Spring break is meant to be a time of joy – a time to “break
away” from the harsh rigors of school and the grueling six whole weeks of
continuous study we’ve had to endure since ski week in February.
That would be great and all, if we could leave the house,
but there’s a little viral wrench in the works this year. I know you know about
it, because you guys send me six or seven emails a day expressly telling me
that you are aware of the situation, you are proud of how you’re handling it,
and you care deeply about my family’s health and safety.
Well, Mr. and Mrs. School District, I’m not a hundred
percent sure that last part is correct. Do you really care?
You see, the governor has told us that we’re not allowed to
go anywhere or do anything. I’m not sure if you school district big wigs got
special travel dispensation, but the rest of us are supposed to remain locked
inside our houses for the foreseeable future, which most certainly includes your
so-called “spring break” next week.
Even if we could leave the house and go somewhere, all the
places we were planning to go have closed. Exactly what are we supposed to do
with our children on this “spring break” of yours? Take them to the grocery
store? Nope. I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed under state law anymore.
Field trip to the Chevron? “Hey, kids, let’s go get gas!
Stay in the car, though. Maybe if you’re good we’ll go through the car wash.”
I don’t think so, and these scenarios are what make me skeptical
about your claim that you care about the health and safety of my family. Health
includes mental health, and the only thing keeping our mental health even
remotely intact right now is the existence of some sort of school schedule for
our three boys.
Now, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that
homeschooling is going well. It’s not. It’s not even going remotely well. But
at the very least, their online schoolwork is an activity they’re required to
accomplish during the day. That means they stay busy for at least part of the
day, and more importantly, out of our hair and off of each other. Some days it
may only be for fifteen or twenty minutes, but it’s something.
And if you cared at all about their safety, you’d definitely
cancel this whole spring break nonsense. Have you people even ever seen two testosterone-y
teenage boys and their crazy twelve-year-old brother caged up inside a house
with nothing to do? If not, have you ever seen footage of a prison riot? Same
thing.
We, as their parents, genuinely fear for their safety,
because if they don’t kill each other, my wife and I might just finish the job.
Possibly as early as day two. They are that annoying.
And please don’t suggest to me that we should let them play
more video games. Screen time is not the answer if you are truly concerned
about their health. Screen time is the answer if we’re looking to have
them rapidly oscillate between lobotomized drooling and hyperactive insanity,
but that’s not exactly the picture of mental health now, is it?
And don’t try to give me any nonsense about the hard-working
teachers needing a break. My wife is one of those hard-working teachers, and
she is not looking for a break from her students – she’s looking for a break
from her own kids. Spring “break” will be the exact opposite of that.
A vast majority of our district teachers are in the same
boat. They have kids, too. It’s not an excessive burden on them to teach
through what would have been the break. They are all helping keep each other’s
kids busy during the day. It’s a circle of life kinda deal.
And the teachers in our district who don’t have kids
at home need to keep working just as much, but for a different reason. They’ve
had to quickly ramp up to online teaching the past few weeks, and they’re as
stressed out as the rest of their colleagues. Normally, a break would do them a
world of good, if they were actually able to travel. However, if you make them
stay home with nothing to do, they are just going to develop severe drinking
problems.
Restaurants are allowed to deliver alcohol now! That’s not
good. These teachers are trapped inside like the rest of us, and the fact that
they still have to go to work each day, albeit in their pajamas, is the only
thing keeping them from slipping off the edge. If you take away the
responsibility of needing to be coherent during the day, it’s going to be a nine
A.M. margarita-fueled disaster zone.
So, I beg you, for the good of all mankind in our district,
please stop the inevitable spring break madness before it even begins. You can
even take full credit for the great idea of “pushing on with valuable learning
during these unprecedented times to maintain fluid educational continuity,” or
however you want to word it to make yourselves sound amazing. You guys are good
at that.
Just please, please don’t make me have to buy a monthly pass
at the Chevron drive-thru car wash for field trips. I fear we’ll scrub off the
Suburban’s entire top coat of paint just trying to keep our sanity next week
without a school schedule.
Yours in educational excellence through continued
partnership,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
Spring Break isn't cancelled -- that's a crack up! Thanks for making us all laugh during these times where a laugh is about the most valuable thing next to toilet paper!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gail. I'm glad you can laugh along with me. Always remember - toilet paper and money can be substituted for each other, under equally dire but very different circumstances!
ReplyDelete