This is a message for all you young folks out there. You
crazy kids in your twenties, just brimming with enthusiasm and youth. I know
you don’t think of yourselves as kids, but trust me, you are, and I’ll prove it
to you.
I don’t really remember what drove me back when I was your
age. I don’t remember what made me tick. But I know for certain it wasn’t the
same things that drive me now. The things that make me tick these days are just
downright scary.
I realized (again) the other day that I am no longer a kid
and that I have become old. It happened right after I got done skimming every last
leaf out of my pool, and I sat back, gazing at the crystal-clear water with a swell
of pride, knowing I had my pH absolutely dialed in.
Nothing can prepare you for that jolt of sickening realization
that you have become so old and boring that the chemical balance of your pool
water is now a significant source of joy in your life.
You young folks have taken a lot of classes in your life thus
far, but sadly, none have prepared you for this impending situation – you will
become old, and tired, and boring.
I realize you are convinced that you won’t, but trust me. If
you don’t want to take my word for it, simply ask as many people over the age
of forty as you can find. You can quit polling anytime you’re satisfied (or
terrified), but I will guarantee you the answers will be one hundred percent
identical.
One day you will:
get excited about the 30% off coupon from Jiffy Lube.
have a deep feeling of accomplishment from putting felt pads
on the furniture legs to protect your new fake hardwood floors.
say “Because I said so,” to your own kids for the first time
(but not the last). Also, “It’s for your own good.”
worry if you have enough life insurance. You will also have
conversations at dinner parties with your friends about life insurance.
wake up more sore than when you went to bed, and realize
that you didn’t do any physical activity that should have made you sore in the
first place. Then you will sadly realize that you just literally hurt yourself
sleeping.
experience the joy of buying your first home. Then you will
experience the shock of writing your first property tax check. Then you will
experience the utter horror and disbelief of realizing that people who don’t
own property still get to vote on how much your property taxes should be.
revel in the feeling of beating them at their own game when
you cut up the old dresser with your Sawzall and slowly throw it away over four
or five weeks in your regular trash can so you don’t have to pay for a dump
run.
These are just a few examples, and by far not the worst. I
didn’t want to scare you.
And remember, I tell you all of this in an attempt to
minimize your shock when it happens, not as a warning of what to avoid. There’s
nothing you can do about it. It will happen.
Just keep living that young life of yours to the fullest, so
when the inevitable Sunday afternoon comes and you find yourself swelling with an
optimistic feeling that all is right with the world because you just fully refilled
all seven compartments in your day-of-the-week pill container, you can look
back with no regrets.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
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