Yesterday was Groundhog Day, a magical day when we finally get an accurate weather report from a truly trusted source: the ghost of Willard Scott. Just kidding. (A quick Google search tells us he’s somehow still alive.)
No, obviously we get our weather predictions from a huge rodent. Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow after a long winter’s hibernation, saw a news report that 2021 was still just as bad as 2020, and immediately went back down in for six more weeks of hiding from it all.
Our asksmidge@gmail.com inbox has understandably been flooded with groundhog-related questions. You don’t know how this odd tradition works, who is in charge, what a Punxsutawney is, or even what a groundhog is. We are here for you, and let me be the first to reassure you all – you have come to the right place.
The Ask Smidge advice column should always be your first stop for any questions about meteorology, zoology, geographology historology, or rodentology. We went to college for far longer than you’re actually supposed to, after all.
Smidge,
What exactly is a groundhog? We don’t have anything like that in Hawaii.
Wondering in Waimea
Dear Wondering,
You have rats and mongooses in Hawaii, so just imagine if those
two species somehow got together and produced a very fat, slow, drunk uncle.
That’s what a groundhog is.
Smidge,
Are groundhogs and woodchucks the same thing?
Questioning in Queens
Dear Questioning,
Yes, groundhogs are also known as woodchucks. Good call. So,
once you know that, it begs the question of how much ground would a groundhog
hog, if a groundhog could hog ground. (And I believe they can hog ground better
than they can chuck wood.) Groundhogs are related to squirrels and are a member
of the marmot family. Not to be confused with the Marmot company that makes
insanely expensive jackets, using, as far as we know, no part of the marmot
family. Amazingly, groundhogs are also called whistle pigs. (We are not making
that up.) Not to be confused with the Whistle Pig company that makes insanely
expensive whiskey, again, as far as we know, using no part of the whistle pig
itself.
Smidge,
Why is Punxsutawney Phil named Punxsutawney Phil? What the
hell is a Punxsutawney?
Confused in Columbus
Dear Confused,
Punxsutawney is actually the name of a town in Pennsylvania,
roughly sixty miles northeast of Pittsburgh, which is another town in
Pennsylvania that has never sounded like somewhere you’d want to live. Or even
visit. Punxsutawney is where Phil lives and was named when they completely ran
out of normal names for towns in Pennsylvania and just decided to dump all the
Scrabble letters onto the table and see what lined up. Much like how my forefathers
came up with Schmatjen.
Smidge,
Why do they use a groundhog to predict the arrival of spring?
Perplexed in Peoria
Dear Perplexed,
It was an accident. The people of Punxsutawney are
constantly drunk. I’m talking like 24/7 hammered. They originally thought it
was a small, fat, magical weather dog.
Smidge,
Has the pandemic affected Phil’s prognostication?
Quarantined in Quebec
Dear Quarantined,
While the American whistle pig and its weather predicting
abilities seem to be immune to COVID, the pandemic did put a big damper on the
annual hoopla in Punxsutawney. The Groundhog Day Festival normally takes place at
a hill called Gobbler’s Knob. It is the highest point in Pennsylvania and was
named after the town’s founder and Scrabble game owner, Phil Gobbler. (No
relation.) Literally hundreds of tourists from as far away as the next town
over usually gather at Phil’s burrow (the woodchuck, not the founder) to watch
the weather-predicting rodent do his thing. This year’s event had to be done
virtually, which presented two major problems. First, the town council had to purchase
a computer and get Wi-Fi, neither of which are readily available in
Pennsylvania. The second issue was the economic impact, not only of the cost of
the laptop and the Wi-Fi, but also the loss of tourism dollars. Sadly, the town
of Punxsutawney is not expected to financially recover from the loss and is
expected to declare bankruptcy as early as tomorrow.
Smidge,
How old is Phil? How many “Punxsutawney Phil’s” have there
been over the years?
Curious in Cape Cod
Dear Curious,
This is from the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club’s official
website:
There has only been one Punxsutawney Phil. He has been
making predictions since 1886! Punxsutawney Phil gets his longevity from
drinking the "elixir of life," a secret recipe. Phil takes one sip
every summer at the Groundhog Picnic and it magically gives him seven more
years of life.
See what I mean? I am serious when I say they are drunk all
the time. The “elixir” they are talking about is Rolling Rock beer, brewed
right down the road in Latrobe. They are constantly hammered. “Phil” was
actually a ferret this year and they didn’t notice. That’s how drunk they are.
Well, there you have it, America (and Quebec, wherever that is). You asked and now you know everything there is to know about weather vermin.
We’ll wait this winter nonsense out, whenever it is scheduled to end, and I’ll see you at the big Groundhog Picnic this summer! We’ll all raise a green bottle of “elixir” to Phil. Who knows? He might even be a groundhog again by then.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2021 Marc Schmatjen
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