Our school district decided they might as well let the kids go back to campus full-time after spring break, for the whopping 42 days left in the school year. Better late than never, I guess.
This means the kids also get to play sports again. But trying to schedule and accommodate all 26 high school programs at once has proven to be impossible, so the schools are being forced to combine some sports.
For instance, football, cross country, and golf have been combined to create a new co-ed hybrid this year, tentatively being called cross footgolf. A full 18 holes will be played, with the downs allowed being double what par used to be. So, on a traditional 560-yard par 5, teams would get 10 downs to reach the green.
The football will be advanced with running plays using the cross country athletes, but the entire opposing team gets to hit drives at them from the line of scrimmage on each down. Five offensive linemen may attempt to rush the golfers from the front if they choose. Any time the ball carrier is struck with a golf ball, the play is dead. (and often times, so is the runner and much of the O-line.) Reaching the green with downs to spare is considered a touchdown, and extra points are gained with putts from the fringe. The team with the lowest score for the 18-hole round wins.
Water polo has been added together with lacrosse to form watercrosse. Swimmers will now swim with lacrosse sticks and touching the ball with hands is no longer allowed. Lacrosse helmets will be worn for safety, which should be interesting. To allow for all 20 swimmers and proper lacrosse spacing, games will be played in Olympic-size pools, utilizing the entire 50 x 25-meter area, with floating goals in the field of play to allow for exciting behind the goal action. No survivors are expected.
Swimming and volleyball have been mixed and will be played in your neighbor’s pool with chips and hotdogs for everyone after the game. Please don’t splash dad over at the grill.
Tennis and basketball have been combined to form tennisball. A regulation-height tennis net will be added across half court, with full basketball teams on both sides along with two pairs of mixed doubles. The tennis players are allowed to defend with their rackets, while all other basketball rules remain in place. Touching any part of the net while transitioning down court results in penalty free throws, while the opposing mixed doubles team hits serves at you from anywhere on their side of the court.
In an easy and intuitive mix, softball, baseball, and soccer have been combined into one giant kickball game. The fun added twist, however, is the addition of the wrestling team. Wrestleball will feature two defending wrestlers stationed at each base, including home plate. In order to advance safely to the base, you must first get through the wrestlers. To even out the odds, runners are allowed to bring their bats. Should be fun.
And finally, stunt has been paired up with track and field. All traditional running events are now required to contain a minimum of six front flips or back handsprings for every 100 meters. Relay events will have the same flip requirements, and the baton will be replaced with a giant hair bow, that must be transferred and perfectly affixed to the next runner’s hair before they can advance.
Javelin, shot put, and hammer toss will all be performed from the top position on the human pyramid. Pole vaulting will remain unchanged, because that event is crazy enough on its own.
Best of luck to all participants! I would tell you parents to enjoy the competitions, but unfortunately, spectators are still not allowed.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2021 Marc Schmatjen
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