2021 Hybrid Sports

Our school district decided they might as well let the kids go back to campus full-time after spring break, for the whopping 42 days left in the school year. Better late than never, I guess.

This means the kids also get to play sports again. But trying to schedule and accommodate all 26 high school programs at once has proven to be impossible, so the schools are being forced to combine some sports.

For instance, football, cross country, and golf have been combined to create a new co-ed hybrid this year, tentatively being called cross footgolf. A full 18 holes will be played, with the downs allowed being double what par used to be. So, on a traditional 560-yard par 5, teams would get 10 downs to reach the green.

The football will be advanced with running plays using the cross country athletes, but the entire opposing team gets to hit drives at them from the line of scrimmage on each down. Five offensive linemen may attempt to rush the golfers from the front if they choose. Any time the ball carrier is struck with a golf ball, the play is dead. (and often times, so is the runner and much of the O-line.) Reaching the green with downs to spare is considered a touchdown, and extra points are gained with putts from the fringe. The team with the lowest score for the 18-hole round wins.

Water polo has been added together with lacrosse to form watercrosse. Swimmers will now swim with lacrosse sticks and touching the ball with hands is no longer allowed. Lacrosse helmets will be worn for safety, which should be interesting. To allow for all 20 swimmers and proper lacrosse spacing, games will be played in Olympic-size pools, utilizing the entire 50 x 25-meter area, with floating goals in the field of play to allow for exciting behind the goal action. No survivors are expected.

Swimming and volleyball have been mixed and will be played in your neighbor’s pool with chips and hotdogs for everyone after the game. Please don’t splash dad over at the grill.

Tennis and basketball have been combined to form tennisball. A regulation-height tennis net will be added across half court, with full basketball teams on both sides along with two pairs of mixed doubles. The tennis players are allowed to defend with their rackets, while all other basketball rules remain in place. Touching any part of the net while transitioning down court results in penalty free throws, while the opposing mixed doubles team hits serves at you from anywhere on their side of the court.

In an easy and intuitive mix, softball, baseball, and soccer have been combined into one giant kickball game. The fun added twist, however, is the addition of the wrestling team. Wrestleball will feature two defending wrestlers stationed at each base, including home plate. In order to advance safely to the base, you must first get through the wrestlers. To even out the odds, runners are allowed to bring their bats. Should be fun.

And finally, stunt has been paired up with track and field. All traditional running events are now required to contain a minimum of six front flips or back handsprings for every 100 meters. Relay events will have the same flip requirements, and the baton will be replaced with a giant hair bow, that must be transferred and perfectly affixed to the next runner’s hair before they can advance.

Javelin, shot put, and hammer toss will all be performed from the top position on the human pyramid. Pole vaulting will remain unchanged, because that event is crazy enough on its own.

Best of luck to all participants! I would tell you parents to enjoy the competitions, but unfortunately, spectators are still not allowed.

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

Copyright © 2021 Marc Schmatjen

 

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Cross Country Gap

I have decided that the only way to have any consistency in behavioral outcomes when parenting your children is to have only one child. If you have more than one kid, they’ll be completely different. At least, ours are.

As far as we know, we didn’t do anything differently with our parenting from one kid to the next, so it must be the kids’ relationships with each other that change them. Either that or they’re totally different people with different hopes and dreams, but I fail to see how that could be the case based on how much they look alike.

Whatever the cause, we have three boys who are vastly different on the inside. You wouldn’t know it just by looking at them, though. I don’t like to brag, but they all have huge heads, which they get from me. Consequently, they’re all very smart, which, quite obviously, they get from their mother’s side. Facial features, intelligence, and adult-size bike helmets, however, is where their similarities end. Their differences lie in what motivates them.

Son Number One is motivated by remaining as still as possible while staring at any screen emitting light. One day he will make a fantastic computer programmer, or some other job that involves sitting perfectly still and not being required to spell.

Son Number Two is motivated by competition. He has a multitude of varied interests, centering mostly around total domination of any contest or hobby. It seems blatantly obvious that he will one day become a Navy SEAL.

Son Number Three is motivated by the voices in his head that tell him to scream wildly and run in circles. One day he will make either a good stunt man or a troublesome inmate.

The differences in Son Number One and Two are currently being highlighted every week by the sport of cross country. Much to Son Number One’s dismay, our elementary school does not have a four square league. Long distance running is the only “school sport” there is.

Unfortunately for our school’s overall win record (but fortunately for the coaches) the runners have to be in fourth, fifth, or sixth grade, so our second-grade Tasmanian Devil, Son Number Three, is not eligible yet.

Son Number One was eligible to run on the team last year, but we didn’t even bother mentioning it. This is a boy who, at five years old, told his soccer coach, “It would be great if I could just play goalie, because I don’t really like to run.”

Son Number Two, on the other hand, asked his soccer coach, “I’d like to score as many goals as possible, so can I play forward all game?”

(Son Number Three yelled to his soccer coach, “Wooooohoooo!” as he ran at the speed of light in the wrong direction.)

So, this year when it was time to sign up for cross country, I took Sons One and Two aside individually. I talked to Number One first.

“I’m signing you up for cross country.”

“Running?”

“Yep.”

“I don’t want to run.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll have fun,” I lied. I agree with him. Running is never fun.

“No I won’t. It’ll be lame.”

“It’ll be fun,” I lied again. “Besides, your brother is doing it, and you don’t want him to get all the glory, do you?”

“OK, I’ll do it.”

Son Number Two took less convincing.

“I’m signing you and your older brother up for cross country.”

“I’m going to beat him.”

“Glad you’re on board.”

An elementary school cross country meet is an activity where 1500 kids, 20 coaches, and 2500 parents all show up at a park and wonder where the course is, while the one teacher in charge from the hosting school has a nervous breakdown and hides in the play structure.

A typical course is one mile, and is delineated by three traffic cones, one twenty-foot piece of caution tape, and two curved arrows spray-painted on the grass. The start of a race is like a scene out of Braveheart, but with less spears. Then they all get to the first turn and all bets are off. There are still nineteen kids missing from yesterday’s meet who took wrong turns somewhere on the course.

The main problem I am seeing with my sons’ performance at the meets is they are not in the same grade, and the heats are run by grade level. At the first meet, Son Number Two’s goal was to finish in the top twenty to get a medal, and he did. Son Number One’s goal was simply not to finish last. He also accomplished his goal. He finished second to last.

We have been to five meets already and Son Number One’s goal has not waivered. Just don’t be last. I would like him to aim a little higher, and train a little harder, but it’s not going to happen. Son Number Two is racing everyone in his heat. Son Number One could really care less about beating anyone except his younger brother. The physical ability is there. We’re just lacking motivation. Lacking drive.

The only thing that would truly motivate Number One is a format change in the race. If his younger brother was in the same heat, they would finish first and second. There is no doubt in my mind. I have seen them wrestle each other. It’s the only time Son Number One won’t let up.

So we obviously need to combine the fourth and fifth-grade boys. It’ll be a win-win across the board for our school, and for my oldest son’s confidence level. Plus, if we get more kids on the course at once, maybe fewer of them will get lost. I really hope they find at least some of those nineteen kids before the next meet.

I’ll try to suggest the fourth/fifth combo to the hosting team’s lead teacher at the next meet... if I can manage to find her in the play structure.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen

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