Many of us have once again experienced our twice-yearly
tradition that can only be described as utterly insane. A few days ago we “fell
back,” and moved all our clocks back an hour on Saturday night. Or should I
say, most of our clocks. A few states don’t do it at all, and for those of us
that do, let’s be serious about that sprinkler timer in the garage. You have
never changed that one.
This time of year is great, because I think we all really appreciate
the four-month period when the sun goes down just after lunchtime.
Anyway, the asksmidge@gmail.com inbox has been overflowing
with time change-related questions, and as always, we have answers.
Smidge,
I heard the federal government was passing a law getting rid
of the stupid clock changes. When does that happen?
Hopeful in Hartford
Dear Hopeful,
You may have heard that, but you were tragically
misinformed. The “Sunshine Protection Act” was introduced in 2022, but has been
stalled ever since. Seems no one could agree on whether to keep standard time
or go to permanent daylight savings time. You see, government officials are, by
nature, complete morons, as evidenced by the name of the bill. They no doubt
believe that passing this law will actually affect how much sunlight is in one
day. The weight of that responsibility is too much for their tiny brains and
they are frozen in fear. It will never happen. You can hold your breath if you
want, but while you’re at it, you should also officially abandon all hope.
Smidge,
We have little kids. The time change is especially hard on
them every year, and therefore especially hard on us as parents of little kids.
What can we do to minimize the pain?
Hurting in Harrisburg
Dear Hurting,
I feel your pain. Our kids were little once and I remember
it all too well. When we fell back in November they were knocking on our door
at five A.M., and when we sprung forward in March we needed a jackhammer to
dislodge them from their beds in time for school.
The good news is that they sell melatonin products for kids
now. I would recommend getting a humidifier and wiring it up to an oscillating pedestal
fan in their room. In November you can crush up the whole bottle of melatonin
and mix it into the water tank on the humidifier. In March, simply swap the
melatonin out for methamphetamines.
Smidge,
I can never figure out how to change the clock in my car.
What should I do?
Confused in Concord
Dear Confused,
Don’t sweat it. About half of the cars built before 2018
don’t even have the ability to set the clocks. You just get what you get. You
can always disconnect your car battery and then reconnect it right at noon or
midnight, but that’s a big hassle. Your best bet is to pretend your car is
simply in a different time zone than you are. So, for part of the year you
would just know that even though you’re on eastern time, the interior of your
car is on central time, and do the math in your head accordingly. As a bonus,
you’ll always have a plausible excuse for why you were two hours late for work.
“Sorry boss, converted the wrong direction this morning. My bad.”
Smidge,
How did Daylight Savings Time even happen? I heard Benjamin
Franklin invented it. Is that true?
Amazed in Anaheim
Dear Amazed,
No, Benjamin Franklin did not invent Daylight Savings Time.
He was actually intelligent. That story has been going around for years because
he wrote about it, in jest, in an essay in 1784. He didn’t even suggest
changing the clocks. He was writing a letter to the editor in a Paris
newspaper, and he was joking that the French could save money on candles if
they just got out of bed earlier. He was right. Also, humor wasn’t as funny in
the 1700s.
No, we have a New Zealand bug scientist to thank for the
idea of changing the clocks – he wanted “more daylight” to search for bugs (I’m
not making that up), and like the French, couldn’t figure out the “just get your
ass out of bed earlier” life hack. And, of course, we have the Nazis to thank
for actually putting the clock changes into practice during World War One.
Technically, they weren’t the Nazis yet, but same difference. Classic Nazi
move.
Smidge,
How come some states do DST and other don’t?
Curious in Cleveland
Dear Curious,
I wish I knew! By law in the United States, it is up to the
states to decide if they want to change their clocks or not. While many states
are smart and don’t do it, and I’m usually a fan of extremely limited federal
government powers, in this case I do not agree. It should be all or nothing.
Here’s why: We already have time zones, which although obviously necessary, are
still confusing. Just think about those poor people who live and work near the
time zone line. If you lived right on the line, how would you ever know store
hours, or what time practice starts. How would you ever plan anything?
“I’ll see you at three o’clock.”
“Which three o’clock?”
What if you lived in one time zone and worked in another?
That’s my idea of what hell would be like. So, why have we allowed individual
states to further complicate things by not changing their clocks when the rest
of us have to? It’s absolute madness.
Smidge,
I use my phone as
my alarm, but I always lose sleep on these crazy time change nights. I know my
phone will adjust the time change automatically, but I always end up waking up
ten times in the night to check my alarm. How does it know to adjust my alarm
so I wake up on time?
Tired in Tampa
Dear Tired,
I am assuming you
are originally from either France or New Zealand… Your phone adjusts your alarm
so you wake up on time by using the same tracking software that recognizes your
normal everyday patterns to give you more of what you want. It’s best not to
think about it too much. Just enjoy the convenience.
Well, there you have it, folks. All the answers to your
vital DST questions. You’re welcome. (Please keep in mind, Ask Smidge always
has answers to your burning questions, but we never said they were good ones.)
If you live in one of the good states, just know that the
rest of us are jealous. And if you’re a poor, unfortunate clock changer like
me, don’t despair. It’s just a short four months until we get to see the sun
again and the clock in your car is back to being on the same time zone as you
are. Keep the faith!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen
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