When I fly out of Sacramento International Airport and Livestock Pavillion, I usually park in the daily parking lot. It’s a little cheaper than the garage, but only slightly more expensive than the long-term lot, which makes it worth it, because you can walk to the terminal instead of riding a bus.
A lot of people have figured that out, so the daily lot seems to be pretty darn full most of the time, which means the walk can be a little way. When it is hot outside, I tend to sweat a little bit on that walk, and I’m always wearing a backpack and pulling a carry-on bag.
Why am I telling you all of this? Not because you need to know this information, but because the TSA should know this information. The TSA agents that scan the incoming travelers at SMF should be familiar with the local parking and weather situations, since they are local also. None of them fly to work from somewhere else. They all live here!
You’re probably wondering what my point is. That’s fair. My point is this: Why the hell is the TSA operating multi-million-dollar scanning technology that can’t crack the confounding mystery of sweat? I have a theory…
When I arrive at the airport my back is either warm, or warm and sweaty. The TSA scans me in the “stand on the feet marks and hold your hands above your head as shown in the diagram” machine, and needs to do an extra search on my lower back every single time. Summer or winter. Every time.
When it’s extra hot outside, I’m extra warm in other places. On my last trip, one of those places was my crotch.
“Sir, I’m going to need to perform a full crotch search.”
“Go nuts.”
“You’ll need to step over here.”
“You mean on me!? Why?”
“See this big dark spot here in the screen?”
“Yes, I’m sweaty from all the heat outside. I’ve only been inside the airport for 10 minutes.”
“I’m still going to need to perform a full crotch search. Would you like a private room?”
“You’re telling me you want to inspect my crotch, and you’re asking if I want to do that with you privately? I’m thinking no, boss. We’re going to handle this out here with all these nice witnesses.”
“OK, I’ll be using the back of my hand.”
“Well, that sounds just fabulous.”
**Full crotch search commences**
The whole time I’m thinking, is this really what this guy
signed up for when he decided a job at the TSA was the move? Because, if the
answer is yes, then that’s disturbing, and if the answer is no, then what the
hell is he still doing here?
**Full crotch search concludes**
“Well, that was great. Hey, I was going to get some pizza at the gate. Does this mean you’re buying now?”
“Have a nice day, sir.”
“I don’t even get your number?”
“Goodbye, sir.”
Like I said, the TSA has multi-million-dollar scanning equipment. Do you know what else they have? They have a program called TSA PreCheck that lets you bypass the expensive scanning equipment and the impromptu full crotch searches.
Kinda makes you wonder… wouldn’t the TSA want to get everyone on PreCheck so they didn’t have to employ so many crotch guys? You’d think they would, because that would be efficient, but then you remember that the TSA is a government organization, so efficiency is not even a consideration for them.
Do you know what is a consideration for government organizations? The main and really the only consideration? Getting more of your money.
Now, I don’t believe for a second that the multi-million-dollar scanner can’t be set to figure out body heat and sweat, and I also don’t believe they can’t get everyone signed up for PreCheck for the same amount of money they spend on salaries for the multiple layers of crotch inspectors. I mean, have you ever been to a TSA checkpoint that was understaffed?
Nope.
You can get a TSA PreCheck, but it will cost you. Kinda feels like a tax, doesn’t it?
But it’s a voluntary tax. So how in the world are we going to get people to pay a voluntary tax??
I know! Full crotch searches.
We’ll use the back of the hand though, so it’s not so weird.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen
Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks
Your new favorite humor
columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge
No comments:
Post a Comment