When we sent Son Number One off to his first year of college
last year, we attended a one-day parent orientation. It was an informative day
on a number of levels, the most striking of which was just how bad incoming college
freshman are at using email.
Apparently, the first year of college doesn’t completely fix
the problem, as evidenced by Son Number One’s new sophomore year apartment
complex and their insane information spamming program. I’m a co-signer of the
lease, so I’m on the mailing list, and between June 1st and today –
roughly 82 days – the Greenleaf Republic apartments sent me 64 emails. I don’t
even talk to my wife that much.
One email a week would have been 12, and that still would
have been major overkill for the amount of actual information they conveyed to
us. Why did they send me 39 of the EXACT SAME EMAILS about move-in schedules
and action items? Because their student clientele obviously still sucks at email.
Well, I’m here to tell you, parents of younger kids, it
might be too late for my kids, but yours might still have hope, if you act
quickly. Last year after the orientation day, I was kind enough to devise a
plan to help all you younger parents out there who want their kids to someday
be able to hold down a real job. Best of luck!
There’s a funny thing about kids these days. They have
embraced digital technology like no other generation before them. It is
interwoven into their lives and they probably would not be able to function
without it.
Except for email.
For whatever reason, email – once the very pinnacle of
sophisticated digital communications – is like a rotary phone to them. They
don’t know how to use it.
Way back when the boys were little, I set all three of them up
with Gmail accounts. Best dad move ever, I thought at the time. I would have
been less enthusiastic had I known how little and how poorly they would use them.
If you email them something, you have to text them to tell
them that you emailed them. If you do that, you have increased the chances from
0% to 11% that they will see your email. Unfortunately, even if they do see it,
the chances are still 0% that they will actually read it.
I foolishly thought that high school would get them in the
habit of using email effectively. I mean, after all, they were given school
email addresses in order to communicate with their teachers. Once again, I was
wrong. Ask any high school teacher how well the kids use email. They will just
laugh and laugh.
Once again, I foolishly thought things would change with my
eighteen-year-old when it was time to register for college. And once again, I
was wrong.
He is going to University of Nevada, Reno in the fall, and
yesterday was his orientation day. About two weeks ago we received an email
about Orientation Step One. I saw that he and I had both received it, and I
even mentioned it to him at the time.
When I inquired about it Monday night – the night before
orientation – he said, and I quote, “Huh?”
When I sat down with him at his computer and had him look
for the email, he immediately claimed that he had no idea where it was, and
probably never got it. As I stared slack-jawed at his 999 unopened emails in
his inbox, I suggested that he might try a search for the word “orientation.”
Miraculously, we found the email, which contained a detailed
list of lots of things he needed to take care of about a week ago. He had a
busy night.
The next day at UNR, one of the presentations for the
parents was from the head of the student advisory department. They are in
charge of helping the kids get all the classes they need in order to stay on
track. She talked with us for twenty minutes, and about nineteen of those minutes
consisted of begging us to somehow make our children check their emails.
Hmm…
So, parents of young children, this is your Immature
Societal Email Nonfunction Disorder (I-SEND) Public Service Announcement. It’s
obviously too late for our college freshmen, but you might still be able to
salvage your children.
You need to get your kids in the habit of checking (and
actually reading) their emails on a daily basis. It won’t be easy, but it can
be done if you focus on the things they really want and need.
For instance, kids need food. Put a lock on the refrigerator
and the pantry and email them the combination. Change the combination each day.
Kids love Wi-Fi. Change the code daily and have them send
you an email each day to request their chore list. When they have replied with
a list of fully completed chores, they can then send a separate email formally
requesting the Wi-Fi code. If their email has no subject line, delete it
without reading it.
Kids enjoy getting an allowance. Each month they must email
you an allowance request. They can find their money after they complete a
series of back-and-forth informational emails as you lead them through a
scavenger hunt. Make it complicated. If you have more than one child and they
use Reply All incorrectly, no allowance that month.
If you have teenagers that drive, the location of their car
keys should be available only by email. Every once in a while, send them an
email from you, but with poor grammar and spelling errors, starting with,
“Dearist beloved Child.” Include an attachment that is a “pdf of the locality
of you keys.”
The pdf should read: “You don’t get to drive today because in
the real world you just downloaded a virus. Stay home and learn which emails to
flag as spam.”
Good luck out there, parents!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2024 Marc Schmatjen
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