Beaver Berries

I used to love raspberries. That ended this morning.

This morning, my world was turned upside down by my “OMG Facts” daily desk calendar.

Yesterday’s fact was amusing and inspired an ironic sense of hope for our world.

Tuesday, August 27 - The Bible is the most shoplifted book.

On the one hand, stealing is wrong. It’s right there in the top ten list in the Bible. But if you didn’t have a Bible, how would you know that? After chuckling awhile about that little factoid, I decided as long as the Bibles were going to be read and the shoplifters take the message to heart, I’m sure they will eventually rectify the petty theft.

This morning’s fact didn’t make me chuckle at all. It made me shiver.

Wednesday, August 28 - Castoreum, aka beaver anal juice, is most commonly found as a flavor enhancer in raspberry products.

You can read that again. I had to.

After I was done throwing out any raspberries and raspberry-flavored products we had in the house, I had a few questions.

For starters, WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!!??

Also, HOW??? How in the wild, wild west did that unholy marriage even get considered in the first place, let alone put into practice??

“Hey, Bob, glad you’re here. We’re having a heck of a time making this raspberry jam taste like raspberries. We need some kind of flavor enhancer.”

“Have you tried using poop?”

“Of course we did. All kinds. We also tried mold, used motor oil, obviously beef intestines, and that black stuff that collects on the Waffle House kitchen floor under the griddle.”

 “Wow, I can’t believe none of that worked. You know, it just so happens I brought my pet beaver into the lab today. Should we see if he likes it?”

“Sure, let him at it… Oh, hey, wait, BOB! Don’t let him do that to the jam… what the… well now, wait a minute. Hmm…”

Unfortunately, that insane scenario is the most sane scenario I can think of as to how this could have happened.

And let’s back up to the part where it says beaver anal juice, is most commonly found as a flavor enhancer… I would really hope that it was most commonly found inside beavers, but apparently we’re using so much of it in our raspberry flavor enhancement activities that we’re now outpacing the giant tree-gnawing rodents.

Would it be worse or better if the labs were making synthetic beaver anal juice to keep up with demand? I mean, we are big fans of all-natural products these days.

Or did they mean that raspberry flavor enhancement was the main use for it? If that’s the case, then that would imply there are other food and/or drink products being enhanced with rodent butt juice.

I’ve never been more afraid to Google something in my life.

See you soon,

-Smidge

 

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