Just a Smidge: February 2025

Wednesday, February 26, 2025

Just a Smidge has moved to Substack!

After 16+ years and 777 weekly humor posts, we have made a major move. We have abandoned our old, antiquated Blogspot home here and moved uptown to hang out with the cool kids over at Substack.

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Big love to all of you from headquarters!

See you soon, over at Substack,

-Smidge

Wednesday, February 19, 2025

Know Your Place

On February 4^th I received the following email from everyone’s favorite energy company, PG&E, titled PGE Bill Adjustment.

Dear Valued Customer,

We are writing to let you know about a billing issue affecting your PG&E account number listed above. Your account was underbilled by $-1875.00. As part of our process, we review our billing operations to ensure that our customers are billed correctly, and during those reviews, we sometimes find a billing exception that may result in a bill adjustment.

If you recall – as my wife surely does – this summer I neglected to realize that our solar panel system breaker had tripped, causing our giant solar array to be nothing more than the world’s ugliest home improvement project for the hottest two and a half months of the year – possibly of the decade. This wonderful learning experience caused us to get a true-up bill this year that is so large it can be seen from space.

While PG&E is not willing to do anything crazy like print in bold at the top of your August bill, “HEY! YOU DIDN’T PRODUCE A SINGLE kWh LAST MONTH!”, they are willing to “work with you” after the fact in these breaker-tripping situations. They are graciously allowing me to pay them the true-up sum equal to the gross national product of Cuba in twelve equal payments with no interest.

Now, even though they know that they agreed to let me pay it over twelve months, they still list the gargantuan remaining total as my “bill amount” each month, as if I was in charge of lighting up lower Manhattan for the last thirty days.

So, since I’m used to seeing big numbers – numbers that don’t always fit on only one line of the bill – from them, when I received the above email, I didn’t fall directly out of my chair. I actually scoffed a little under my breath, like, “Is that all you got?”

Then I read it again and had to ask – myself, of course, not customer service… I mean, who can get a hold of those people? – what do you mean you “underbilled” my account by a negative number? Is that just a cute way of saying you overbilled me because you don’t want to actually say that?

And which is worse? Admitting you underbilled me or overbilled me? On the one hand, you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, but at least you get to take more of my money while I get even more frustrated and disappointed with you. On the other hand, you still look like an idiot, but I’m happier, but you have to give me money back. Tough call, there.

Then I thought about it more and laughed at myself for even thinking that through. This is PG&E. There’s no way they would ever admit they overbilled me! Ha ha ha. So silly.

Their nice email went on to say:

We have corrected the issue, and a bill adjustment will be reflected on your next statement. We apologize, and we are working to improve our billing system to prevent issues like this from affecting you in the future. You do not need to take any action at this time.

I guess you don’t HAVE to take any action at this time, but if your heart stopped working, or simply blew right out of your chest when you read their email, you may WANT to take some action involving dialing 9-1-1.

Anyway… on February 5^th – a whole day later – I received another email from them, entitled Correction to Previous eMail- PGE Bill Adjustment

Please disregard the previous email you received on February 4th 2025, regarding this bill adjustment. The amount as stated was incorrect. This notification contains the corrected bill adjustment for your account. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Dear Valued Customer,

We are writing to let you know about a billing issue affecting your PG&E account number listed above. Your account was underbilled by $-18.75. As part of our process, we review our billing operations to ensure that our customers are billed correctly, and during those reviews, we sometimes find a billing exception that may result in a bill adjustment.

So, let me get this straight, PG&E… You are working to improve your billing system, but you just sent out an email to, I’m assuming, a crap-ton of people, with a cardiac-event-inducing decimal place error? I mean, decimal place is second-grade stuff, fellas! Sounds like things are going great with the billing system improvement project.

Also, PG&E, just so you all know, the fact that you are having large-scale decimal place errors in a large-scale bill adjustment process does NOT give us, your customers, a sense of security that you are correctly tallying up all the kilowatts we’re using and sending you.

In fact, it really makes me wonder why you’re so willing to extend me the grace of a no-interest payment plan. Is that because you’re just not 100% sure I really owe you all that money in the first place?

Maybe it’s time to get the State of California in there to check up on you guys and sort this all out? Getting the government involved should clear things right up, right?

Ha! Oh, man, I crack myself up sometimes!

See you soon,

-Smidge

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Wednesday, February 12, 2025

Mobile Dentistry?

I’m happy(?) to report that my family dental office has apparently merged with a major international airline.

I got an automated email this morning from West Village Family Dentistry, reminding me that I needed to schedule my next cleaning appointment. That was expected. What was not expected was the Lufthansa logo next to their name, or the Lufthansa logo prominently displayed in the main header area at the top of the email, with “Lufthansa” written next to it.

So, apparently, my small family dentist office in Rocklin, California has merged with Germany’s flagship carrier, the fourth largest airline in the world. This is an interesting development. I wonder who bought whom?

The email simply read:

Regular dental visits are crucial to maintaining a healthy smile and our records show that you are past due for a cleaning and exam. Request an appointment above and let us know what times work for a visit.

Hope to see you soon!

- Your Friends at West Village Family Dentistry

Oddly, there was no mention of the merger, or how it would affect my dental care options. There was also no mention of why Lufthansa’s impressive computer scheduling system didn’t know that I already have an appointment scheduled in April. Maybe all the Rocklin appointments got wiped out if there was already a flight scheduled at the same time when they integrated the two systems? That’s probably what happened.

Also conspicuously missing from the communication was any mention of the obvious changes I will encounter at my next visit. For instance, am I now required to arrive at my dental office two hours before my cleaning?

How does security work now? Do I need to bring a passport or a REAL ID to check in at the counter after May 7, 2025?

If they do the arms-over-your-head full body scan, will that double as my x-rays? Is that covered by insurance, or is that free?

If I have TSA PreCheck, do I need to wait in the waiting room with the commoners, or can I go directly to my dental chair?

If I purchased a Business Class cleaning, how will that differ from a First Class or Coach cleaning?

Will the dental chairs be replaced by more Lufthansa-ish seats? If so, will the little button on the arm rest recline my seat enough from its upright and locked position to allow them to work on my teeth?

Will getting into the new dental chairs now be called “boarding?”

Will a hygienist come by with a skinny cart and offer me complimentary water, soft drinks, and coffee? Will beer and wine be available for purchase? Will the drinks be delivered by my hygienist through the little sprayer nozzle?

How do the complimentary snacks work now? The little bags of pretzels and snack mix seem like they might work against the main goal of the appointment.

Will the new dental chairs now have seat belts and flotation devices built into the seat cushions?

How do the oxygen masks work in the event of a loss of office pressure during my visit? Will oxygen just be delivered via one of those hospital nose-hoses instead of a yellow mask and bag so they can keep working in my mouth? Also, the office ceilings are pretty high. Will the nose-hose be long enough, and do I still need to pull down to start the flow of oxygen?

As you can tell, at this point I’ve got more questions than answers about this merger.

I’m currently on hold with Lufthansa customer service to try to get some clarity.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Your new favorite book is from SmidgeBooks

Your new favorite humor columnist is on Facebook Just a Smidge

Wednesday, February 5, 2025

A Super Bowl Ring?

That’s right, sports fans. The big game is upon us! Super Sunday is this weekend.

(In case you didn’t know, the NFL copyrighted and trademarked the name Superbowl and/or Super Bowl a long time ago, so I’m not even allowed to write either of those, so I obviously never would.)

Regarding the upcoming Super Bowl, this is the fifth time the Kansas City Chiefs are playing in the big game in the last six years, and Sunday will be their third straight appearance.

People attribute the Chief’s success to a number of factors, including quarterback Patrick Mahomes, coach Andy Reid, and the fact that the multi-billion-dollar NFL’s officiating system somehow can’t get access at the New York play review office to the camera angles from the actual live broadcast the rest of the world is watching. On our regular TV’s in our regular homes.

But you Swifties out there know better than all that. You know who is carrying the team on his, broad, manly shoulders. Yes, our beloved number 87, Mr. Taylor Swift – the ever-so-dreamy Travis Kelce.

If Travis and the Chiefs win on Sunday, they will have accomplished something no other NFL team has ever done – having been handed a victory against the 49ers in overtime by a complete breakdown in the NFL officiating system the year prior to being the only team to be declared Super Bowl champion three years in a row. Amazing!

Is a third straight, record-setting ring in the cards? Well, that’s not the main question. Statistically speaking, since this is yet another Chiefs-Eagles game, the majority of people watching this game will be Taylor Swift fans, not NFL football fans. The rest of us just don’t care. So, going by majority rule, the MAIN question this year is, will there be an engagement ring?

OMG, how romantic and perfect would it be if the Chiefs win (obviously!!) and Travis gets down on one knee and proposes to our girl right there on the 50 line, or whatever it’s called!! I’ll bet the ring is going to be HUGE!!! OMG, I can’t even!!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s still four quarters of football to play, and Swift/Kelce/Mahomes/Reid and the officials can only do so much. So, the real question, Swifties, is IF the plan is to propose, is it like, totally not gonna happen if the Chiefs lose? I mean, obviously it would be, like, a total bummer if the Eagles cheat enough to beat the Chiefs, but what will that mean for our girl?? How will we have a nationally televised proposal at that point? OMG, I don’t even want to think about it.

Now, for you Swifties, we know that you have been watching an unprecedented amount of football since your girl started dating Travis, so just like last year, I thought we’d go over some football basics in case some of you newer or younger Swifties need a little help with the ins and outs of the gridiron.

We’ll break down a few football positions and terms, starting, of course, with Kelce’s position.

Tight End: Offense - The most important position, obviously, reserved for super-famous guys with tons of charisma. They line up on the end of the offensive line. Sometimes they catch passes. Most of the time they block people and date celebrities.

Cornerback: Defense – This is the guy who will be hassling Travis Kelce a lot.

Nickelback: Defense – A fifth defensive back used in the nickel formation to protect better against a passing offense. Also, a really solid rock band that gets a strangely unwarranted amount of hate on the internet.

Slot Back: Offense – Sort of like Travis Kelce’s position, but a little further back off the line of scrimmage. Don’t worry about this one. No one says slotback anymore.

Quarterback: Offense – Patrick Mahomes – the guy who never throws it to Travis Kelce when he is wide open, OMG!

Line of Scrimmage: The blue line. No one is allowed across this line until the center twitches the ball ever so slightly.

Center: Offense – The guy who gives the ball to Patrick Mahomes, so you can get mad at him for not throwing it to Travis Kelce who was wide open AGAIN, OMG!

Nose Tackle: Defense – The guy the center really doesn’t like very much.

Guard: Offence – Anyone over 300 pounds.

Tackle: 1) Offence & Defense – See “Guard” or 2) Getting the guy with the ball to touch the ground with some part of his body other than his hands or feet, while you are also touching him. This means he’s down, but down like the play is over, not down like first down.

Running Back: Offence - You will see Saquon Barkley, #26 for the “bad guys,” running with the ball a lot, hurtling Chiefs linebackers with insane, otherworldly athleticism, and scoring lots of touchdowns. He’s a running back. BTW, he just got engaged! Lucky!!

Fumble: What Saquon Barkley hardly ever does.

First Downs: What Saquon Barkley gets a lot of.

Safety: 1) Defense – The guy in charge of not letting the wide receivers catch the ball or 2) When the offence gets tackled in their own end zone, resulting in two points for the defense, and hopelessly screwing up the scoring for everyone’s Super Bowl pools.

Holding: Any time you grab someone who doesn’t have the ball, except when it’s OK.

Pass Interference: Any time a defender does anything at all that would prevent an eligible receiver from catching a forward pass, except for all the things the defender can do to try to catch the pass themselves, since all defensive players are eligible receivers, leading to the question, if I’m a defender trying to catch the ball, what if I put my hand up in front of the wide receiver’s face to catch it? Isn’t that a PI? Not even the NFL officials in New York know the answer.

Interception: Any time the defender catches the ball and doesn’t get called for pass interference.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct: The physical motions and words of the wide receiver after an interception with no pass interference called.

OK, I hope that helps if you were wondering about any of that stuff. As far as whether Travis will get a third straight ring, or Tay-Tay will get a first... we’ll just have to wait and see.