Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What Did They Just Say?

They say it’s the little things that make life worth living. In my case, it’s the little ridiculous things that amuse me to no end. Here are a few recent ones that put a smile on my face.

I heard an ad on the radio for a Nevada attorney’s office that proclaimed they were “open Monday through Friday, closed Sundays.” That brought up some questions for me. They must know about Saturday, right? What happens there between Friday and Sunday? I was very curious, but given that it was a lawyer’s office, I figured maybe it was a trick to get you to show up on Saturday so they could sue you for trespassing, so I didn’t pursue it any further.

I saw a carpet cleaning van the other day with a logo that I'm fairly certain was trying to suggest that they could get stains out of your carpet. It had the word “Stain” and the word “Gone”, but the “Gone” was the word inside the red circle with the diagonal line through it. Stains not gone? Why would I hire them? I can do that myself!

I saw a headline a while back that read “Man catches halibut weighing just over 319 pounds.” I thought, either it was a pretty good size fish, or the guy needs to lose some weight.

I was at the airport in Portland, Oregon last month and heard the following page: “Abdulla Alqadi (last name pronounced AL-KAY-DIE), please report to the security checkpoint to retrieve your property.” Yeah, right. Please report to the security checkpoint to continue your full cavity search! Sorry, Abdulla, but with a name like that, it might just be easier to take the bus.

A few years ago the DMV sent me a form to permanently register my boat trailer. One final payment, and I received special license plates, never to pay another dime again. Until a couple of years later I received my bill for the “Permanent Trailer Semi-Annual Fee”. It’s the government. They can’t help themselves. Or more to the point, they can and they do!

I got a coupon this weekend from a hotel spa that was offering, among other things, their “Ultimate Back Facial and Massage.” What could a “back facial” possibly be? Do you lie on the table face up or face down? Does it come with an oxymoronic cleansing wrap? Will I be relaxed afterward or just confused? Then I read that it cost $100 so I decided to leave that one a mystery.

I heard an ad on my favorite AM station last week for a company that was offering “Payday Loan Consolidation Programs.” They said if you had two or more payday loans that were late or already in collections, they could help. Then they put the icing on the cake. “Even if you have bad credit.” Can you please show me one person in America who has multiple outstanding payday loans that has a credit score over 32?

The other day I passed a Jeep parked near my street with for sale sign in the window. It was beat up and old and had a layer of dirt on it that suggested it had been there for a while. Posted in the window was a printed out page of four pictures of the same Jeep when it was apparently brand new and shiny. Now I can understand trying to fool someone with the new shiny pictures on the internet or in a magazine, but what idiot is going to look at them in the Jeep’s window and think “Wow! This old heap looked great when it was new! I’ll take it.”

And just this morning I heard an ad on the radio for a company selling gold. Their incredibly innovative sales pitch was as follows:
“Stocks are volatile and real estate is way off, but gold is at record highs! Now is a great time to buy gold for your portfolio.”
I’m sorry, what did he just say???? I think I’m going to have to pass, since the old “buy high, sell low” plan has backfired on me in the past. Thanks anyway.

See you soon,

Copyright © 2008 Marc Schmatjen

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