Say What?

There have been a lot of times in advertising and communications when I thought it might have been better to have a professional in charge. Or maybe even a third-grader.

These are a few of those times:

I heard a radio ad looking for volunteers for a weight loss study to test a “revolutionary new pill.” They said, To participate in this study, you must lose at least ten pounds.

Hmm… Not going to be much of a "study," I guess.

Lipitor commercial: Claims about Lipitor are backed up by over 450 ongoing or completed studies.

Umm… How can you back up a claim with an ongoing study?

I was exiting a Chevron bathroom with the door offering the new "touch-free handle." The picture showed someone putting their arm through it and opening it with their shirt sleeve.

That’s great news for all you germaphobes out there, but I have a question. Can we really still call this giant thing a “handle?”

Saw a sign on freeway runaway truck ramp – the ramp designed to stop an out-of-control big rig. The sign said, "No stopping anytime."

Uh, doesn't that sort of miss the point of the ramp?

I was in the McDonald’s drive thru ordering an Egg McMuffin and the lady on the speaker said, “That's with Canadian bacon, right?” My first thought was, do you guys not know how to make it?

I saw an official US Army bumper sticker in Spanish. It said, Yo soy el army.

Umm... Que? One of my main hopes for the army of my country is that everyone who has a gun understands what the guy in charge is saying.

I saw a license plate bracket that said “VFW Life Member.”

Isn't that kinda automatic?

Heard an ad for a pharmacy that apparently specialized in pet medicine. Does your pet run and hide when it's time to take their medication? We can turn your pet’s medication into a cream that you can rub on their ears.

If I'm giving them their meds by rubbing it on their ears, doesn’t that mean I’m taking their medication, too? That can't be a good idea, can it?

I heard a radio ad for some place called JustGuns.com, advertising high-end shotguns. Whether it’s waterfowl, upland game, clay pigeons, turkey defense, or tactical…

The words “turkey” and “defense” were said far too close together, so it sounded like the JustGuns.com clientele were constantly needing to defend themselves against attacking turkeys. I am assuming that is not the case, but I can’t be sure where these people live.

On a Folsom Lake Dodge-Chrysler-Jeep ad, in the monster truck radio voice – Giant Inventory! If we don’t have it, it’s not in stock!

Uh… yes. That is exactly what that means.

Heard on a radio ad for RingCentral.com, which billed themselves as an offsite phone system service for small businesses to have professional voicemail, etc.

Set it up online at ringcentral.com, or call 1-800-ring-one. If our agents are busy, please call again later.

What??

Mac’s Plumbing radio ad - This month’s special… We’ll unclog any drain for $99 or it’s free.

Question 1 - Why would I pay if you can’t unclog it in the first place?

Question 2- Isn’t it normally “the same day or it’s free” or something like that? I don’t understand “$99 or it’s free.” Can I bargain with you? How about, $1 or it’s free? That way we wouldn’t have so much to figure out.

Radio spot for The Mutual Fund Store - Do you change your own oil? Cut your own hair? Do your own teeth cleaning? Of course not. Why would you do your own mutual fund planning…

I don’t think I’m their target audience, because I answered “yes” to all three.

Seen on the wall at our local electrical utility: Accident Prevention Awards.

How are these distributed? I mean, how do you really know that you prevented an accident?

Ad for Mercy Orthopedics  - If you are experiencing joint pain or limited mobility…

I have been experiencing limited mobility my whole life, but I don’t think it has to do with bad joints. I’m just slow.

Saw “INKNPPR” on a personalized license plate, with a license plate bracket that said, “It says, Ink and Paper.”

If you have to explain your personalized license plate with the bracket, I think you did it wrong.

On the local talk radio show, the news guy was teasing an upcoming story. “Prepare to be shocked.”

Can you even do that?

Driving down in the rural California central valley I heard an AM station weatherman refer to himself as “KMJ 580 meteorolist”

I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly the first time, but over the next few hours I heard the meteorologist mispronounce his own profession at least four or five times.

This last one is different, and probably falls under the category of “unintentional marketing,” and I swear every word is true. We were early to Son Number One’s teeth cleaning visit and hadn’t gone into the office yet. Sitting in the car, facing the dental office, we watched one of the hygienists arrive for work. She got out of her car and walked right in the front door carrying an 18-volt DeWalt power drill with a twelve-inch-long drill bit.

Took me fifteen minutes to catch up to my son.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen

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What Did They Just Say? - Part 2

Let’s face it, America. It’s a really weird time in our history right now. We’ve got millions of gallons of oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico with no end in sight, and our President just addressed that problem by suggesting we fix it with a tax on carbon. No matter where you stand politically, that’s not good news.

We’re worried. We’re not confident. We’re not having a great couple of months, here.

So, I thought I would try to brighten the mood a little with some of the other, less troubling inanity I have encountered in the recent past. Enjoy!

Not too long ago I heard an RV company advertizing their “Grand Opening Liquidation Sale.” Uhhhh… What?

There are a lot of cool kid’s names out there today, and one I’ve always liked is Chase. I had to re-think it, though, when I overheard a dad at the pool hollering at his son, “Chase, walk!” Talk about sending mixed signals!

I have some money invested with Vanguard, and the other day I received a notice from them signed by: “Mortimer J. Buckley, Managing Director.” Really? Mortimer J. Buckley? Why not just call him, “Fifth-generation money managin’, giant stock portfolio havin’, yacht sailin’, bowtie wearin’, gin and tonic drinkin’, Bentley drivin’, huge stone house in the Hamptons guy?”

My computer locked up the other day and afterward it said that it just had an “unexpected error.” Yeah, I figured it was unexpected. I assume you guys already fixed all the ones that you were expecting.

I heard a Kelly Moore paint ad on the radio that proclaimed, “To a professional painter, paint is everything.” Well, sure. I guess that makes sense. Thanks for boiling that down for me.

Another radio ad asked “Do you have erectile dysfunction? Have Viagra or Cialis let you down?” I thought to myself, “Wow. Talk about being literal!”

During a major rainstorm this past winter I saw a story on the evening news with the headline, “Aquarium Flooding.” I wonder… is that really a problem?

I picked up a copy of Architectural Digest at the doctors office, and in big print across the cover it announced, “The Architecture Issue.” What is it about the other 11 months of the year?

I just came across a piece of industrial machinery with a warning sticker placed on the removable guard that read, “Do not operate this machine without this guard in place.” Now, I’m no genius, but how exactly is anyone going to get that memo if the guard is missing?

I heard a gold ad on the radio that urged me to “Call now, supplies are limited.” Well, yeah. If they weren’t, why would I want to pay money for it?

A few months ago I called the Loral Langemeier hotline to get my free copy her book “The Millionaire Maker.” As I chatted with the friendly person at the call center, a question occurred to me, and I had to ask… “If this book is so great, why do you still work there?”

There was a radio ad prodding me toward some major life decision and asked me the question, “Have you been waiting to put it off?” So… are you asking me if I’ve already done it? I’m confused.

Another radio ad for a company called “Food from the Hood” who billed themselves as the “nation’s first student managed company” told me, “Every bottle of salad dressing you buy sends a kid to college.” Now just wait a second, buddy. How much am I paying for this salad dressing?

Those all caused me to chuckle, but my favorite recent one has to be the insert that came with my health insurance paperwork. It’s a one-page document with a single paragraph written in English, Spanish, Chinese & Vietnamese. It reads:

“IMPORTANT: Can you read this letter? If not, we can have somebody help you read it... For free help, please call right away at the Member/Customer Service telephone number on the back of your member ID card…”

I’m pretty sure anything written after, “If not,” was a waste of ink. If it wasn’t a waste of ink, then they already have the situation all figured out on their own, and therefore, it was a waste of ink.

That insert just has to have been a government mandate! It’s got governmental logic all over it!

See you soon,
-Smidge


Copyright © 2010 Marc Schmatjen


Have kids? Have grandkids? Need a great gift?
Go to www.smidgebooks.com today and get your copy of “My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh,” Marc’s exciting new children’s book. Get ready for a wild rhyming adventure!

What Did They Just Say?

They say it’s the little things that make life worth living. In my case, it’s the little ridiculous things that amuse me to no end. Here are a few recent ones that put a smile on my face.

I heard an ad on the radio for a Nevada attorney’s office that proclaimed they were “open Monday through Friday, closed Sundays.” That brought up some questions for me. They must know about Saturday, right? What happens there between Friday and Sunday? I was very curious, but given that it was a lawyer’s office, I figured maybe it was a trick to get you to show up on Saturday so they could sue you for trespassing, so I didn’t pursue it any further.

I saw a carpet cleaning van the other day with a logo that I'm fairly certain was trying to suggest that they could get stains out of your carpet. It had the word “Stain” and the word “Gone”, but the “Gone” was the word inside the red circle with the diagonal line through it. Stains not gone? Why would I hire them? I can do that myself!

I saw a headline a while back that read “Man catches halibut weighing just over 319 pounds.” I thought, either it was a pretty good size fish, or the guy needs to lose some weight.

I was at the airport in Portland, Oregon last month and heard the following page: “Abdulla Alqadi (last name pronounced AL-KAY-DIE), please report to the security checkpoint to retrieve your property.” Yeah, right. Please report to the security checkpoint to continue your full cavity search! Sorry, Abdulla, but with a name like that, it might just be easier to take the bus.

A few years ago the DMV sent me a form to permanently register my boat trailer. One final payment, and I received special license plates, never to pay another dime again. Until a couple of years later I received my bill for the “Permanent Trailer Semi-Annual Fee”. It’s the government. They can’t help themselves. Or more to the point, they can and they do!

I got a coupon this weekend from a hotel spa that was offering, among other things, their “Ultimate Back Facial and Massage.” What could a “back facial” possibly be? Do you lie on the table face up or face down? Does it come with an oxymoronic cleansing wrap? Will I be relaxed afterward or just confused? Then I read that it cost $100 so I decided to leave that one a mystery.

I heard an ad on my favorite AM station last week for a company that was offering “Payday Loan Consolidation Programs.” They said if you had two or more payday loans that were late or already in collections, they could help. Then they put the icing on the cake. “Even if you have bad credit.” Can you please show me one person in America who has multiple outstanding payday loans that has a credit score over 32?

The other day I passed a Jeep parked near my street with for sale sign in the window. It was beat up and old and had a layer of dirt on it that suggested it had been there for a while. Posted in the window was a printed out page of four pictures of the same Jeep when it was apparently brand new and shiny. Now I can understand trying to fool someone with the new shiny pictures on the internet or in a magazine, but what idiot is going to look at them in the Jeep’s window and think “Wow! This old heap looked great when it was new! I’ll take it.”

And just this morning I heard an ad on the radio for a company selling gold. Their incredibly innovative sales pitch was as follows:
“Stocks are volatile and real estate is way off, but gold is at record highs! Now is a great time to buy gold for your portfolio.”
I’m sorry, what did he just say???? I think I’m going to have to pass, since the old “buy high, sell low” plan has backfired on me in the past. Thanks anyway.

See you soon,
-Smidge


Copyright © 2008 Marc Schmatjen


Have kids? Have grandkids? Need a great gift?
Go to www.smidgebooks.com today and get your copy of “My Giraffe Makes Me Laugh,” Marc’s exciting new children’s book. Get ready for a wild rhyming adventure!