Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The 2012 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter

Once again, you have procrastinated in writing the dreaded Christmas letter, and once again, ol’ Smidgey Claus is stepping in to save your bacon. I have created yet another handy do-it-yourself template to help you create your 2012 Christmas letter in no time flat. As with previous years’ templates, just fill in your last name(s) in the blank and circle the appropriate choices, and you're in business. 

Christmas 2012

Greetings from the ________________ house. We had another (wonderful/pathetic) year around here!

Dad is really (enjoying/fed up with) retirement, and continues to (volunteer/gripe) at the local (food bank/AA meetings). The folks down there are (grateful for/sick of) him, and he gets endless satisfaction from (helping/annoying) them. A few people have even hinted that he should (join the board/start drinking again). We’ll see.

Mom divides her time between her (book club/favorite bar), the (ladies auxiliary/track), and her (charity/court-mandated) work with (the orphanage/highway clean-up). Her (infectious/incredibly toxic) attitude and general (zest/contempt) for life is a (blessing/curse) to us all. She never misses an opportunity to ask us about when she’ll be seeing some (grandchildren/beer money).

Sister and her (husband/boyfriend) were on TV this year! They were featured on an episode of (HGTV/Cops) for their (amazing/illegal) conversion of their (old barn/double-wide) into a (teakwood spa/meth lab). It was (exciting/depressing) to see them on television. They even filmed them in their (bathing suits/underwear), (lounging by/running through) the (hot tub/trailer park). They were both looking (tan and fit/pale and skinny)! Their project was (fun/ill-conceived), and besides the (exciting/unfortunate) TV appearance, it definitely increased the (value/toxicity levels) of their property and put their (neighborhood/trailer park) on the (map/DEA watch list).

For Little Brother, this year was one big (adventure/pain). He and his (girlfriend/chain gang) traveled up and down the highways (sightseeing/breaking rocks) in (their new RV/the blazing sun). They never had a (dull moment/moment’s rest) as they (explored/toiled) all across (this great land/the Arizona desert). I think he will (never/always) regret selling (his business/all that stolen property). He has been (having/doing) (a great/hard) time ever since.

As for me, I continue to work as a CPA, but I have (happily/begrudgingly) switched positions. The (local bank/Renoso cartel) (hired me away/bought my gambling debts) from the (big city firm/Gambini family). I certainly (don’t miss/regret) all the time I spent (commuting/at the track)! I don’t want to (brag/self-incriminate), but I have innovated the (home foreclosure/drug distribution) process, making it easier for (homeowners/dealers) to get low-interest loans that can help them stay in (their homes/business) during these tough economic times. While the big (banks/cartels) don’t traditionally like to negotiate with struggling (families/biker gangs), I managed to convince my organization of the value of helping our clients stay afloat until they get back on their feet. I like to say, “It doesn’t make much sense to just (foreclose/go all medieval) on everyone the first time they miss a payment. If we work with them, we have a much better chance of getting paid in the long run. Getting our clients a (loan modification/hundred pounds of product) with a 60 or 90-day float is sometimes all they need to turn it around. We can always (foreclose on them/waste everyone) down the road if they don’t live up to their obligations.” What can I say, I’m (an innovator/a hostage)!

We hope this letter finds you doing (as well as/much better than) we are. Here’s to a (productive/felony-free) and (fruitful/less depressing) New Year!

Merry Christmas!

You’re welcome! Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.
Get it to them quick, though, because Friday is the deadline. I guess this will be my last post ever, since the Mayans have said the world will be ending on Friday the 21st. It was nice knowing all of you.

See you on the other side,


Copyright © 2012 Marc Schmatjen

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