Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The 2013 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter

It’s only one week until jolly old St. Nick shimmies down your chimney, and you’ve put off writing your Christmas letter again this year, haven’t you? There is no way you’ll get it written in time at this point. Why do you do this every year? Well, never mind that guilt trip! Pour yourself another glass of 100-proof eggnog and relax. Once again, I’ve got you covered. I have created another handy do-it-yourself template to help you whip out your 2013 Christmas letter in no time flat. As with previous years’ templates, just fill in your last name(s) in the blank and circle the appropriate choices, and you're in business.

Christmas 2013

Seasons Greetings! We here at the __________________ house are very (grateful/fed up) with all of the (blessings/crap) we have received this year.

Life is (good/a pain), and we hope this letter finds you feeling the same. Our year was a whirlwind of (good news/disappointments). Mom and dad are still (going strong/comatose) most days with their (volunteer work/heavy drinking), and they continue to find life (rewarding/miserable). Dad still says (lovingly/bitterly) that mom is the (best/worst) thing that ever happened to him. They are (inseparable/insufferable), and we know they will be (right beside/the death of) each other the rest of their days.

Dad still finds time to play (bocce/eight) ball down at the (park/Stagger Inn) every week and had a (championship tournament/close call) in July with a group of (seniors/bikers). He came home with a (second place trophy/concussion).

Mom lives for her (grandkids/Bunco night) and spends as much time (with them/rolling dice) as possible. She spoils (them/the mood) incessantly, and more than a few (tickle fests/fist fights) have broken out this past year. The (kids/Bunco ladies) are always thrilled to see her (coming/go).

Sister was recently (engaged/incarcerated) and is on (cloud/cell block) nine. She and her (fiancé/cellmate) are planning a (large/secret) (wedding ceremony/prison break) for next summer. We are helping as much as we can without getting (in the way/arrested). She jokingly says they are both looking forward to the big event, but can’t guarantee they won’t (elope/get shanked) before it happens.

Brother received another (pro/de)motion at work, and has moved (offices/nowhere) yet again. They obviously seem to think he’s doing a (good/lousy) job! He is always (modest/dejected) about his career and says that he has a (great/worthless) team constantly (supporting/undermining) him, and he (couldn’t/could) do it without them. He and his (wife/roommate) are looking to move out of the big city and find a place in the (suburbs/country) with less (crime/neighbors). We are (hoping/afraid) that means they’re planning to start (a family/cooking meth)!

As for us, it was another year of (blessings/bitter disappointment). Our children continue to (thrive/whine) at almost everything they do, and so far, this has been another (joyous/trying) school year. Both kids have already received the principal’s (award/wrath) more than a few times for (excellence/insolence) in the classroom.

Junior has been (swimming/eating) competitively for the last few years, and he really excels at (butterfly/sitting). He has come in first place in (meets/nothing) (twice this year/ever). He just might be the next (Michael Phelps/patient) for the (Olympic team/gastric bypass surgeon).

Our daughter has a real knack for playing (the piano/her mom). She manipulates (the keys/her mother) with amazing ease, and the (music/money) that pours forth is astounding. With her (teacher’s/mother’s) help, she continues to outdo (herself/my paychecks) at every (recital/mall). I am doubly (blessed/cursed) that she also has her mother’s (voice/taste). They both (sing/dress) like (angels/hookers).

We count this chance to connect with you among our (blessings/obligations), and we hope you can (be with/get away from) your family this holiday season. We look forward to (seeing/not hearing from) you in the coming year.

Merry Christmas!

You’re welcome! Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.

See you soon,


Copyright © 2013 Marc Schmatjen

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