My son was playing The First Noel last night on the piano. As
we sat around drinking eggnog by the yule log, we did what we always do at
Christmastime when our children play carols: We begged him to slow down,
because my boys play everything two or three times faster than they should,
like monkeys on crack.
When we finally got him to slow down to a bearable speed, we
sang along.
The first Noel, the
angels did something, then something and something and something else.
We don’t really know the words.
As I sat there by the warm glow of the fire, wishing we knew
more of the words, I got to thinking about the one line we did know: The First
Noel. And I thought, you know, we hear a lot about the first Noel, since it’s
the story of Christmas. But what about the second Noel? What was Jesus like in
his first year?
I didn’t have to ponder this too long, because as luck would
have it, when I flipped on the TV late last night there was a breaking news
story about a huge archaeological find. Biblical historians had been brought in
to authenticate a small booklet, and it was just confirmed last night to be
Mary’s diary from the early years. They were a little embarrassed, because it had
actually been found with the Dead Sea Scrolls way back in the 1950s, but the
team of (male) archaeologists thought it was a user’s manual for the scrolls, so
no one bothered to read it.
Entry #1
New diary – Old one lost on road trip somewhere in the last sandstorm.
I’m nine months pregnant and wouldn’t you know it, we have
to go on an umpteen million mile donkey ride to go sign our names in some city
I’ve never even been to. This government is getting out of hand.
Entry #2
Oh, boy. Here we go. We’re in some little truck stop of a town
called Bethlehem and my water just broke. Just what I always wanted; to have my
baby at a hotel!
Entry #3
Just great. No room at the hotel. Looks like I’m going to
have my baby in a barn. I am surrounded by cattle and sheep. Not optimum would
be an understatement. This can't be the best place for this.
Entry #4
OK. That went well. Baby is here, and he’s awesome. I don’t
just mean regular awesome, I mean the actual definition of awesome. He’s
glowing. My baby rocks! We’re naming him Jesus.
Entry #5
We are still in the barn. This just can’t be the best place
for a newborn. I’ve got him wrapped up in some swaddling clothes, and he’s
sleeping in the manger on the cleanest hay I could find, which isn’t saying too
much. He seems to like it, though, so I guess it’s cool. Strange night. We have
a crazy-bright star right above the barn. It’s like a spotlight.
Entry #6
Some shepherds just stopped by. They looked a little freaked
out. They wanted to meet the baby and kept saying they “heard about him from an
angel.” I’m not sure what’s in the water around here, but those guys were a
little off.
Entry #7
WHOA! Holy cow! And I mean Holy Cow. Seriously, I think the
cows in here might be Holy now. THE ANGEL JUST SHOWED UP! No wonder those
shepherd guys looked freaked. WOW. He was seriously bright. I had to ask him to
tone the light down a little because I was afraid baby Jesus was going to get a
sunburn. Totally crazy deal – Jesus and the angel looked at each other like they
already knew each other. Freaky! I think we have a special boy on our hands
here.
Entry #8
The angel left a while ago and apparently the shepherd guys
did a pretty good job of getting the word out, because there’s a decent crowd
outside the barn. Lots of people bringing gifts. This is pretty crazy.
Entry #9
Some little kid with a drum just showed up. Normally, I’d be
like, “Uh, hey kid, if you wake up my new baby with that drum I’m going to make
you eat those sticks,” but baby Jesus was loving him. He rocked a pretty good
Par Rum Pa Pum Pum. I think he’s got a career in music ahead of him.
Entry #10
OK, the angel was awesome, and the drummer boy was cool, but
now some kings have showed up. Kings! Three of them. I guess they came from a
long way away, just to meet Jesus. This kid is famous already. I wonder if we
need an agent? Anyway, the kings brought camels. Camels! What's up with that? If
one of those camels spits on my kid, it's on. I don’t care if they’re kings or
not. Who brings a camel to visit a newborn?
Entry #11
OK, the kings brought gifts. They were very nice men, and
the camels behaved themselves. It was nice of them to bring gifts, but can I
just say something? One of them brought gold. Always a great gift! But the
other two brought frankincense and myrrh. Are you guys serious? Mmm, thanks for
the fragrant tree resin, fellas. Do I look like I have the time to be boiling
down tree sap to make my own perfume? I have a newborn in a barn here. I
appreciate the thought, I really do, but some people just don’t know how to
give gifts. How about a 52-count box of Huggies and some formula? Would it have
killed you to drive the camels past a Target on your way in? Can’t really clean
his little butt up with Myrrh now, can I fellas?
Entry #12
OK, I just re-read entry #11. I haven’t had much sleep in
the last week. I think I’m getting a little cranky.
Entry #13
OK, I’m looking back over my diary here, and it looks like
it has been an entire year since I wrote anything. Wow, that was a crazy week
in the barn! I guess I have been a little too busy raising this boy to write
anything. Sure, we now know he’s the Son of God, and that is truly awesome, but
be that as it may, he is not without his challenges.
A little recap of our crazy first year:
People have seriously been visiting every day for the entire
year. We had to build a turnstile and hire a security guy.
Our formula budget has been through the roof. He keeps
turning his formula into wine, so we keep having to take it away from him. On
the upside, we have a lot of really good quality wine!
Don’t even get me started on bath time. This is the dirtiest
kid in the whole village. Have you ever tried to get the Son of God underwater
if he doesn’t want to be? Let me just tell you… not easy!
Our playdates are cool, though. Anytime one of the other
kids gets a bonk or an owie. Boom. Healed. We have regular playdates with a big
group of boys. There are twelve of them!
Here’s the craziest thing – his poop does not stink.
Seriously, never. When the other moms think I’m bragging, I make them smell it.
It smells like frankincense and myrrh. Crazy!
Anyway, we just got finished up with his first birthday
party. We tried to do the smash cake thing where you give them their own
personal cake to eat with their hands. Instead of smashing his face into it
like all the other neighborhood kids did on their first birthdays, he turned it
into three thousand little individual cakes for all the people that just
randomly showed up. What’s the point of sending out invitations with this kid?
He certainly draws a crowd. You should see the pile of gifts!
I’ll try to write a little more regularly this year, but no
guarantees. This kid is keeping us on our toes!
Merry Christmas!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2014 Marc Schmatjen
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