You’ve been thinking it for weeks now. Maybe even more than
a month. That nagging thought in the back of your head. That sticky note on
your refrigerator… No. Not the one that says, “Buy more gin and olives.” The
other one. “Write the Christmas letter.”
Well, I have bad news for you. It’s too late. You’re out of
time. You’ll never get it written and delivered before Christmas now. You could
hang your head in despair and blame yourself for being a shiftless, lazy,
procrastinating loser who can’t even make a martini, or you can pour yourself a
stiff whiskey egg nog and raise a glass to Christmas miracles.
Once again, I’ve got you covered. I have created another
handy do-it-yourself template to help you whip out your 2014 Christmas letter
in no time flat. As with previous years’ templates, just fill in your last
name(s) in the blank and circle the appropriate choices, and you're in
business. Christmas miracles really do happen!
Christmas 2014
Merry Christmas from the _________________ house. We’ve had
quite a year around here!
Dad had a banner year with his (fundraising/complaining) at
the (Shriners/Sizzler). He has a real love for (children’s charities/all-you-can-eat
menus), and his (enthusiasm/frustration) really shines through when the (annual
pledge drive /salad bar) runs (in the spring/out of baby corn). He loves
(networking with/bitching to) the managers at all the local businesses. He has really
been (thriving/annoying) since his retirement.
Mom couldn’t be more (involved/out of touch) with (her
church/reality) if she tried. She spends countless hours on the (phone/couch),
making sure that the (elderly/reality shows) do not go (unloved/unwatched). She
makes personal visits to the (old folk’s home/Old Grand-Dad) in the
(city/cupboard) every (week/hour), and always comes back to the (house/couch) a
lot happier. We remain in awe of her (faith/flatulence) and the (smiles/smells)
she brings to any room.
Sister and her (new husband/loser boyfriend) had some
(good/bad) news this year with his (promotion/incarceration). We (secretly/openly)
have our fingers crossed that this means they will (start a family/break up)
soon, but for now they are just adjusting to the new schedule of (his
commute/conjugal visits). We are (happy for/disappointed in) them, and always (thrilled/amazed)
to see how happy she is with their (new marriage/bad decisions).
Brother has been on fire this year (at work/twice). He
continues to (beat his numbers/cook meth) and is poised to win the
(salesman/idiot) of the year award (at his company/if that existed). He has a
natural talent for (sales/stupidity), and combined with his (high drive/low
IQ), he has been really making (rain/poor decisions) in the (advertising/lifestyle)
department. We only wish he would put some of his efforts into finding a (nice
girl/fireproof suit), so he isn’t constantly at the (office/ER). He’s
(content/too stupid to breathe), however, so we don’t (hassle/waste our time
with) him too much. (J,L)
As for me, I’m just about (the same/as fed up) as last year.
Things couldn’t be going (better/worse). Our family is (thriving/falling apart)
and we’re (excited/apprehensive) about the coming year. We travelled (down
south/to the clinic) a few times this year because of (varsity track/urinary
tracts). The boys started out relatively
(slow/healthy), but then their (season/pee) turned (around/green) after some (extensive/questionable)
(training/eating) after school. Their (coach/doctor) couldn’t be more
(pleased/clueless) about their (progress/diagnosis). Things here at the house
are getting (festive/tense) as we gear up for the annual winter (holiday
celebrations/rat infestation).
Well, that’s about all the news we (wanted/care) to share
with you. We hope this letter finds you (well/wherever the hell you are) this
holiday season. We are planning some (travel/new business opportunities) for the
upcoming year, and we hope to (see/invest with) as many of you as possible. We’ll
be in touch. Until then…
Merry Christmas!
You’re welcome! Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all
set.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2014 Marc Schmatjen
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