A long time ago when I was up way too late watching TV, I
saw an infomercial for spray-on hair. If you had a bald spot, you could simply take
the handy aerosol can of hair helper - expertly color-matched to your actual
hair - and spray hair back onto the top of your head.
The possibly patented and expertly color-matched hair
restoration formula would go to work by attaching to the hair follicles around
the bald spot, thickening your existing hair. This would help cover the bald
spot, and if the bald spot was too large, the amazing hair restoration formula
would simply cover that bald spot all by itself, without needing to cling to
and thicken existing actual hairs.
This amazing process would give your hair a natural, full,
manly look. Your confidence would be restored, and instantly the world would
think you had gone insane, because you just spray-painted the top of your head.
Sadly, spray-on hair only came in black or brown “hair.”
Bald blonde guys had to just buy regular beige spray paint at Ace Hardware. The
lack of hair color selection is probably why the product didn’t make it to the
mainstream. Either that or Rust-oleum was just cheaper. Who knows?
I was reminded of that wonderful and amazingly short-lived
product the other day when I read an article about Xtreme Green Grass. This is
a company here in Sacramento that will come to your house and spray-paint your
lawn. I’m not making that up.
In case you haven’t heard - or you live in another state and
just don’t care - California is in a severe drought. We have about nine gallons
of water left for the whole state. Those of you in other parts of the country
may be thinking, “Ha! Have fun with that, morons.” That is a common (and often
warranted) reaction to Californians’ problems, but in this case, just a
heads-up; if you enjoy eating fruits, vegetables, rice, or nuts, you’d better
start thinking about building a greenhouse and growing them yourself. Colorado
can help you with the logistics.
Anyway, since we’re seeing the bottoms of all the lakes
here, we’ve been asked to cut back drastically on the outdoor watering. I actually
stopped watering my lawn a long time ago – well before the drought. Truth be
told, it was because my lawn mower broke, and I was too lazy to fix it. I ended
up on the leading edge of the water conservation movement by accident.
Since then, things have gone from bad to worse, and watering
anything unnecessary has become a bad idea. Not everyone considers their lawn
to be unnecessary like I do, however, and some folks here are still watering
their lawns regularly. You can all feel free to knock on their doors the next
time you need to make a salad.
They just can’t seem to let their green lawns go. I, on the
other hand, have embraced my brown, scrubby lawn much the same way I embraced
going bald. It’s more convenient. Less maintenance. And I’m not at all
concerned with how it looks.
I was already married when I lost my hair, so no problem
there; I’m not trying to impress anyone anymore. My wife is stuck with me. Same
with the lawn - I already had friends when the drought hit. I’m not trying to
impress anyone. If you don’t want to come over to my house because my lawn is
brown, I probably didn’t want you to come over in the first place.
Plus, I haven’t had to mow my lawn in over a year. Score
another point for water conservation.
As we know, however, not everyone embraces the loss of their
hair or their green grass with quite the same level of enthusiasm as I do. So, Xtreme
Green Grass was born. The perfect company for those that have given in to the
peer-pressure of stopping the sprinklers, but can’t stand to be seen with a
brown lawn.
Dave Bartlett, owner of Xtreme Green Grass, and his crackerjack
crew will come out to your house and spray-paint your brown lawn green.
Again, I’m not making that up.
Isn’t that bad for the
environment? you might ask. Not at all, says Dave. Apparently, the dye is
an “all-natural earth pigment,” whatever that is. I’m not sure how you get the
color green from dirt, and if he’s using ground-up live plants to color the
paint he’s using to color the dying plants, that just seems unsustainable. But,
what do I know? Dave is the plant painting expert, here, not me.
So it’s all-natural. That’s really all we need to know. Dave
says it’s not harmful to people or pets, either. Your pets, your guests, and
your children can continue to eat your newly-painted lawn as they normally
would, without fear of any side effects.
I’m almost sold, Dave, but just like that late night
infomercial, I’m still a little skeptical.
I mean, imagining my lawn with a pleasingly-natural, unidentified
earth pigment tone of green applied to all the scorched, brittle, brown blades
of Tall Fescue is certainly tempting. And while the estimated five hundred-dollar
price tag to paint my yard is almost too good to be true, I think my lawn might
have the same inherent problem as my head.
I don’t think spray-painting the bald spots is really the
fix we’re looking for.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen
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