As a public service to all man and womankind, I like to post
something about Mother’s Day each year. Mostly they have been cautionary tales,
because it’s important to write what you know, and I have a long history of
screwing Mother’s Day up somehow.
This year, I have drawn on my many years of inadvertent
research to provide you men out there with a handy Husband’s Guide to Shopping for
Mother’s Day. Now, I know we men can be stubbornly independent, so many of you
may not heed this advice. To you I say, good luck, and I hope you can dodge
flying cookware. If this only serves to remind you that Mother’s Day is this
weekend, then I’ve done all that I can.
For the rest of you who are wise enough to listen to advice
from a guy who’s been through the Mother’s Day school of hard knocks, here are
some categorized gift suggestions and advisable parameters. You’re welcome.
Traditional
Starting Point: Chocolates
Recommended: Chocolate-dipped strawberries and champagne
Avoid: Asking her to make you chocolate chip cookies
Starting Point: Flowers from the garden
Recommended: Large, expensive flower bouquet with balloons
Avoid: Suggesting that she weed the garden while you catch a
nap
Children
Starting Point: You and the kids clean the house
Recommended: A whole-house deep cleaning by a professional
cleaning service
Avoid: A new bottle of Windex with a bow on it
Starting Point: Hand-made cards from the kids
Recommended: Hand-made cards and hand-made gifts from the
kids
Avoid: Asking her to watch the kids while you golf
Health and Beauty
Starting Point: Coupon for massage at the gym
Recommended: Swedish massage at luxury day spa
Avoid: Telling her that if she rubs your feet you’ll make it
worth her while *nudge, wink*
Starting Point: A home pedicure kit
Recommended: Manicure/Pedicure appointment at luxury day spa
Avoid: Suggesting that if she would simply stop buying purple
blocks of pumice and metal rasps to sand down her feet with, the calluses would
eventually just form and protect the skin underneath, thereby eliminating the
need for any future foot maintenance, using your own gnarly, callused feet as a
helpful example
Shopping
Starting Point: Gift certificate to Macy’s
Recommended: Gift certificate to Tiffany & Co.
Avoid: Gift certificate to AutoZone
Starting Point: Perfume
Recommended: Gift certificate to her favorite cosmetics
counter and a shopping day with her girlfriends
Avoid: Deodorant
Food and Entertainment
Starting Point: Breakfast in bed
Recommended: Champagne brunch at her favorite restaurant
Avoid: Suggesting that if she doesn’t want to make everyone breakfast,
you could all go out to The Waffle Barn
Starting Point: Taking her to the movies
Recommended: Tickets to the theatre, complete with a
romantic dinner
Avoid: Tickets to the demolition derby… for just you and
only some of the kids… and your dad
Starting Point: A nice bottle of wine
Recommended: A membership to the wine club at her favorite
vineyard
Avoid: Box of Franzia White Zinfandel from Chevron
That should be enough to get you started. Good luck, men!
None of this stuff is in our budget this year, so I’m not
actually going to do any of these. I’m just making her a quick card with some
printer paper and crayons. And maybe I’ll get her a nice three-dollar box of
Riesling.
She’ll love that, right?
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen
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