My wife and I just went to see The Revenant, which is a movie that examines the age-old question: How
long can frozen snot stay attached to a man’s beard in South Dakota in the
winter? Spoiler Alert: The answer is six weeks.
While on a fur trapping expedition in 1823, Hugh Glass was
mauled by a grizzly bear. He survived the attack, even helping to kill the bear
in the process, apparently because he was the manliest mountain man who has
ever lived. He is probably still alive. Because no one on earth was even a
tenth of the man he was, his hunting partners ended up being less than
honorable. They left him for dead without any weapons or food. They didn’t even
leave him a car or a cell phone, both of which would have been super-helpful.
Was Hugh Glass just going to give up and die? Of course not.
He can’t be killed. He just blew some snot onto his manly mountain man beard,
which immediately froze since it was minus three thousand degrees for the
entire movie, set his own broken leg, and crawled back home wrapped in the skin
of the same bear that tried to kill him. That’s right. Suck it, bear. Not only
did you not kill me, but now you’re dead and I’m going to wear you
home.
He crawled two hundred miles back to Fort Kiowa just to kill
the guy who left him for dead. Nowadays we’d complain if we had to crawl twenty
feet to hurt a guy’s feelings. Two hundred miles! I wouldn’t even drive two hundred miles to seek revenge.
At mile thirty I’d pull off at a burger place and decide to forget the whole
thing.
Speaking of food, I was struck by the irony of my comfy
modern surroundings while I watched Hugh Glass show the world what manly really
looks like. We saw the movie at Studio Movie Grill, which is a new theater in
our town that serves you real food and drinks during the movie. You get a tiny
little table in front of your plush leather seat, complete with a little red
call button for your server. It’s wonderful, but it was a strangely luxurious setting
for such a harsh movie.
As I watch Glass try
to stay alive by eating a rancid piece of rotten sinew off a decaying buffalo carcass,
I push my little red call button to signal my server that I need more sour
cream for my Loaded Potato Skins.
Glass tries to tend to
the gaping claw hole in his neck and the exposed ribs on his back. Our seats
are too close to the screen, and I shift in my puffy leather recliner because
my neck is getting a little sore from looking up.
Glass has trouble laying
down in the snow to drink from the freezing river because of the hole in his
neck. I spill a little of my delicious Fat Tire Amber Ale. I push the little
red button and my server brings me some extra napkins while Glass cauterizes his neck wound with gunpowder.
Glass is only wearing
animal skins and keeps ending up in rivers, having to crawl back out of the thirty-two-degree
water to lay in the snow. My jeans have a little beer on them from the spill,
and it’s wet on my leg. I’m annoyed. I complain to my wife.
More snot and drool freeze
to Hugh’s beard as he struggles to stay warm in a blizzard by stripping naked
and sleeping inside a dead horse. I put my hand into my sweatshirt pocket for a
while, because the ice-cold beer glass is making it a little chilly.
Glass manages to chase
some wolves away from a kill and throws up while trying to force down some raw
buffalo liver. My fries don’t come with the side of ranch I ordered. I push the
red button forcefully, perturbed.
Glass stumbles into
Fort Kiowa through three feet of snow on a crutch made from a tree branch. I
remember how the only spaces left were at the far end of the parking lot when
we got to the theater and consider ro-sham-bo-ing my wife to see who has to go
get the car.
The whole experience reminded me of the time I was reading a
book about Navy SEALs and I got a paper cut. I tried to be tough, but paper
cuts really sting.
I left the theater feeling soft and weak, and I’m sure I
wasn’t the only one. I think the story of Hugh Glass might even cause some Navy
SEALs to reevaluate their man cards.
Oh, well. Different times. Maybe I’d have been as tough as
him if I was born in the early 1800s.
Probably.
Probably.
I sure wish my wife would hurry up with the car. It’s really
chilly out here.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2016 Marc Schmatjen
They left out the part where he laid on a maggot infested log so they eat the dead tissue from his back and exposed ribs. Movie made me appreciate living in Sacramento. I hate cold weather and the manliest thing I have done that was remotely similar was camping for 3 days in the snow during basic training. It sucked
ReplyDeleteThey probably just left that part out for all the movie theaters that have food...
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