Wednesday, December 20, 2017

The 2017 Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter

You’ve done it again, haven’t you? It’s December 20th and you haven’t written your annual Christmas letter yet. The stores were sold out of holiday stationery three weeks ago and you just don’t have the energy to think up a bunch of lies about how “successful” everyone in your family has been.

You were probably thinking the situation was hopeless, but like every other important decision you made this year, once again, you’re wrong. Finally, for once this year, there’s hope. I’ve got you covered! The 2017 DIY Christmas letter is here, just for you.

So, pour yourself another 100-proof glass of eggnog, bubble in the appropriate choices with a #2 pencil, fill in the blank if needed, and you’re all set.

You don’t have to thank me. It’s just what I do.

Christmas 2017

O   family member,
O   close friend,
O   friend from thirty years ago that I probably wouldn’t recognize even if we were introduced,
O   co-worker who sent me a Christmas card last year so now I’ve added you to the list,
O   ex-co-worker who I rarely, if ever, see, but it would be awkward if I took you off the list and then saw you in January,

Merry Christmas from the
O   Smith Family!
O   Gonzalez Family!
O   Lee Family!
O   Johnson Family!
O   Other _______________!

We feel so blessed to
O   have you in our lives.
O   see you once in a while.
O   hardly ever run into you.
O   have been able to avoid you that one time at Walmart by ducking into the bedding aisle and hiding in the pillow display.

We had another
O   amazing
O   nice
O   disappointing
O   mind-numbingly bad

year around here!

Dad has been
O   keeping busy
O   mostly staying out of trouble
O   incarcerated
O   embarrassing the family

all year. He continues to
O   work and enjoy his job.
O   goof off more than he should.
O   add time to his sentence for bad behavior.
O   avoid his responsibilities at all costs while making a complete ass of himself.

Mom still
O   works with kids
O   lays on the couch
O   abuses her Xanax prescription
O   shoots her mouth off

every day, and we’re all amazed at her
O   energy level.
O   ability to do nothing.
O   incoherent speeches.
O   ability to make every other life form on the planet dislike her.

Sister has a new
O   fiancé
O   iPhone
O   idiot yappy little Taco Bell dog
O   street corner
O   all of the above

and we are all getting
O   excited for the wedding.
O   way too many emoji texts and stupid duck-lip selfies with graphics added to them.
O   money together to hire a doggy hitman.
O   tired of bailing her out of jail.
O   all of the above

Brother and his wife are
O   expecting their third child in a few months
O   coasting, relationship-wise
O   moving further away from us
O   finally splitting up

and we
O   can’t wait to meet the newest grandbaby!
O   don’t think they’ll make the long run.
O   only wish they were moving further.
O   are thrilled to see her go because none of us ever liked her in the first place.

The grandkids continue to
O   grow like adorable little weeds
O   break things at our house
O   grate on our nerves
O   be a constant source of shame to our family

and they
O   couldn’t be smarter, cuter, or more talented.
O   never offer to pay for anything they break, the little cheapskates.
O   are completely without manners or decorum in any and all situations.
O   make us seriously consider just leaving them at a rest stop.

We certainly hope your year has been
O   as blessed as ours
O   filled with joy
O   better than ours was, for your sake
O   free from the need for police intervention
O   better than your last year, you sorry bastards

and we count you among our
O   dearest loved ones.
O   B-list friends.
O   annual holiday obligations.
O   list of people we keep in touch with for comparison, to make us feel better about ourselves.

If you’re ever in town, be sure to
O   stop by!
O   text us and maybe we can grab a coffee or something, if we have time.
O   see the new mall.
O   keep driving.

Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.

See you soon,


Copyright © 2017 Marc Schmatjen

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