I am turning 46 years old tomorrow, which is hard for my brain to accept, since it regularly tells my body I’m still 25. My elbow, my knees, and my right Achilles tendon, however, agree with the calendar.
They say with age, comes wisdom. I wish that were more true. Nonetheless, in honor of living through another trip around the sun, I have added to my list of thoughts, observations, and acquired “wisdom.”
Here it is - one for each year. You’re welcome, America.
1. There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who prefer the toilet paper to come off the top of the roll, and those who prefer the bottom. The people who like it to come off the bottom of the roll are wrong.
2. If beds were advertised the same way as tents, a queen-size mattress would “sleep nine adults comfortably.”
3. The three-second rule has almost infinite extensions depending on how much you like the food that dropped.
4. You never fully appreciate how crazy your family is until you have to explain all of them to your fiancé.
5. I don’t understand why disappointed is not the opposite of appointed.
6. Pi and the circumference of a circle have a similar relationship to pie and the circumference of a person.
7. Here’s the main difference between men and women: Men can look at an ad for women's underwear and get excited. Not women in underwear, just the underwear itself. Women do not get excited looking at pictures of boxer shorts.
8. You are wholeheartedly fooling yourself if you think the government is efficient at anything except taking your money.
9. The clearest evidence that capitalism beats communism is that the Red Bull beverage company put a man in space. Take that, North Korea. Anheuser-Busch can probably shoot down your nukes.
10. If you give enough money to the right charities, you will never have to buy address labels again.
11. I am far past the electronic tipping point. I would much rather lose my wallet than my phone.
12. You cannot use the phrase, “To be honest with you...” without giving the listener the impression you aren’t always being honest.
13. Life without beer, wine, and cheese would be horrible, but life without bacon would simply be pointless.
14. When packing thirteen suitcases into the car for your wife, is it impossible to have ten of them be “on top” so she can get to them easily.
15. Never get a woman personalized license plates like "HOT QT" or something like that, because eventually you, the boyfriend or husband, will have to drive the car and you will be mercilessly ridiculed by the rest of us.
16. You can ask someone to do something, or you can tell them how you want it done, but you cannot do both.
17. A good indicator of where you are in life is this: Does the advertisement of free food still affect your decision making?
18. Fabric softener sheets go in the dryer, not the washer. Just FYI. I’m not saying I didn’t know that.
19. There is no “t” or “t” sound in the word across. There is no “b” or “b” sound in the word supposedly. Please pronounce accordingly.
20. Men are far more likely to clean things with spit than women are.
21. Money and toilet paper have something in common – They’re both easy to take for granted until you run out. Also, in totally opposite, but equally dire situations, they can be substituted for each other.
22. Everyone should drive while driving. Always.
23. If you ask any guy to tell you a story about a time he almost died, he will have four stories just off the top of his head, and one will be from this year. If you ask women the same question, most of them will look at you like you’re crazy.
24. One sure sign of getting old – When you start sitting down to put on your pants.
25. Children and ceiling fans are simply incompatible. It’s science.
26. In life, it is very important to remember where you are and why you're there. That way, when your podiatrist tells you to drop your shorts, you’ll ask some questions first.
27. The hotel alarm clock - You can either take the time to figure out how it works before you go to bed, or you can figure it out in the dark at 4:30 A.M. when it unexpectedly goes off. Your choice.
28. One of the funniest things ever written is this: “We’ve upped our contribution. Up yours!”
29. People who don’t use their cruise control on the freeway should be pulled over and water-boarded.
30. There are 21 words in the English language that need to be used more. They are: bailiwick, hootenanny, skullduggery, scofflaw, ballyhoo, shenanigans, donnybrook, catawampus, chicanery, cajoled, hullabaloo, besmirch, boondoggle, haberdashery, melee, befuddled, flummoxed, hoosegow, wiseacre, tomfoolery, and kerfuffle. Please begin immediately.
31. Nothing is more interesting to a small child than what you are doing, provided that what you are doing is easier without small children involved.
32. You cannot claim to be a grown woman, fully capable of taking care of yourself, and also claim that you do not know how to operate a toilet seat.
33. We, as humans, all share a universal reaction – the automatic flinch when the driver hits the button and starts rolling up the car window under your arm.
34. A carsick child and a blender without a lid or an off button have a lot in common.
35. To be or not to be is not the question. The real question is, which towel in the guest bathroom am I allowed to use to dry my hands?
36. Give a boy enough time with any object, whether it be a stale Cheerio, a bouncy ball, a doll, or a book, and he will eventually turn it into a weapon.
37. "The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys" is a pretty accurate saying, but it leaves out the other major difference: the speed at which they heal when they fall off those toys.
38. New parents - The best thing to do when your infant cries at night is to set a timer for ten minutes. If the timer runs out before the baby stops crying, then you may get up and reset the timer.
39. The yahoos who wear their pants down below their butts and have to waddle with their legs spread to keep their pants from simply falling to the ground are also the yahoos who are most likely to try to run from the police at some point. That is hilarious to me.
40. As I get older, I find myself dividing the world into two categories: People I would let watch my kids for five minutes, and people I wouldn’t.
41. The person who invented the hotel shower curtain rod that curves out away from the tub so the shower curtain doesn’t stick to your arm should receive the Nobel prize.
42. If you want a good example of unbridled optimism, look at your smoke alarm. They all have "test weekly" printed on them. Yes, smoke alarm company, I’ll get right on that.
43. Guys, do you ever have trouble figuring out if you’ve had too much to drink? Here’s a handy guideline:
“There is no way I can scratch that itch on my ankle while I’m standing here peeing, so I will not try.” – You’re still OK
“I can totally do it without peeing on myself.” – You are drunk
44. A kid’s definition of “pool toy” is different than an adult’s. We think of pool toys as something designed to be played with in a pool. They define “pool toy” as anything they own, if it happens to be brought into the pool. Like a bike or a sandwich.
45. No matter who you are, no matter where you're from, there is one shared experience that binds us all together as one people: The sheer horror of the ketchup or mustard water falling from the unshaken bottle and contaminating your food forever. I feel your pain.
46. If you have to choose, it makes more sense to become a strong swimmer than a strong runner. You don’t automatically die when you stop running.
See you soon,
Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen
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