Wednesday, May 2, 2018


You’ve really got to hand it to the Ghaneze (?) The Ghanans (?) The Ghanites (?)
The folks from Ghana, anyway. They seem to be following the lead of the Nigerians, looking to better their presumably ridiculously weak economy with some good old-fashioned internet scams.

The honorable banker Mr. Charles Emmanuel got ahold of me yesterday vie email, and I gotta tell you, Chuck, your act needs some polishing. I’m obviously not going to give you my banking information for this grammatically chaotic once-in-a-lifetime offer you’ve presented me, but since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll give you some pointers. You know what they say – Fall for a man’s scam, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to scam, you feed him for a lifetime.

Dear Schmatjen,

 I have been in the search for someone that bears the name "Schmatjen" so when I saw your name I was pushed to contact you and see how best we can assist each other. I am Mr. Charles Emmanuel

Banking head of the company with a reputable bank here in Accra Ghana. I believe it is the wish of God for me to come across you on search now. I am having an important business discussion I wish to share with you which I believe will interest you because, it is in connection with your  name and you are going to benefit from it.

OK, Chuck, first off, let’s talk about American last names. I’m not sure how common a name Emmanuel is in Ghana, but Schmatjen is very rare, so right out of the gate you seem to be doing OK. Just remember, this probably won’t work with Smith, Johnson, or Hernandez. And by the way, if you made up Emmanuel for this scam, then I applaud you for invoking the name of God into your own to garner my trust. Well played.

Secondly, the terms “reputable bank” and “Ghana” don’t really go together here in America. No offense, but third-world countries such as yours don’t foster a ton of trust with us as far as fair regulatory oversight, and whatnot.

By the way, I had to look up where Ghana actually was. Turns out you’re not far from Nigeria, which makes sense. I have to ask though, what’s with the two little countries in between you guys? Togo and Benin? Have those always been there? I really don’t remember those from high school geography, but I went to public school, so who knows? And when did “The Gambia” show up, tunneling their wormy little way into Senegal from the coast? I’ll bet those guys are a pain in the ass at the cocktail parties, am I right? I mean, how pretentious do you have to be to name your country “The Gambia”? Anyway, back to your letter.

 I have a suggestion urgent action and a highly secret for you. On March 15,
2004, an Iraqi foreign oil consultant / contractor with the oil company
Chevron, Mr William Schmatjen, had fixed deposit with my bank in 2004
calendar year, valued at 18,500,000.00 (Eighteen million five hundred thousand U.S. dollars)  The date for this contract and deposit is January 30, 2010. Sadly, he was among the victims of plane crash and for more about the crash you can visit the BBC web news for the tragedy. which killed

more than 2,000 people. It was  on a business trip, and that is
how he met his end.

Seriously, Chuck, I don’t even know where to start with this “urgent problem” section of your compelling email. Let’s just dive right in with your really believable-looking BBC link to a plane crash that killed 2000 people. Seriously? You’re going with 2000 people? Did the plane crash into nine other planes simultaneously, or did it spiral into a soccer stadium on my man William’s final business trip?

And thanks for telling me the exact day, month, and year of our wealthy Mr. Schmatjen’s sizable bank deposit, only to reiterate the year in the same run-on sentence, and then add a completely different date in the next sentence to confuse me.

Astonishingly, the link to the news article doesn’t seem to be working, but I see it mentions Oxfordshire, England. I actually have relatives who live in Oxfordshire. I sure hope they weren’t at that soccer game at some point between 2004-2010 and now!

 My bank management is yet to know about his death, I knew about it because he was my friend and I am his account officer. Mr.William  did not mention any Next of Kin/ Heir when the account was opened, and William  was married and no children. Last week my Bank Management requested that i should give instructions on what to do about his funds, if to renew the contract.

I’m glad to hear you were tight with William, but obviously, sad for you at the loss of such a good friend. How is his wife taking all this? I know you said he never mentioned any Next of Kin/ Heir when he opened the account, but as Banking head of a reputable bank in Accra, Ghana, I’m sure you have figured out by now that his wife would, of course, be his Next of Kin/ Heir. Pretty much the first person in line, actually. You don’t have to look any further down the old Next of Kin/ Heir chain once you find the wife. So you could just text her or something, I guess.

And why do you keep mentioning a contract? Do banks in Ghana work differently than other banks? Here in the U.S., we just deposit our money and it stays in there until we take it out. There’s no time limit, as there apparently is in Accra.

 I know this will happen and that is why I have been looking for a means to handle the situation, because if my Bank Directors happens to know that William  is dead and do not have any Heir, they will take the funds for their personal use, so I don't want such to happen. That was why when I saw your last name I was happy and I am now seeking your co-operation to present you as Next of Kin/ Heir to the account, since you have the same last name with him and my bank head quarters will release the account to you. There is no risk involved; the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.

Well, first of all, let me just breathe a huge sigh of relief that there will be no risk of “breach of law” involved for me perjuring myself in a foreign country by claiming to be someone I’m not in order to snag a cool eighteen million bucks. Whew! For a minute there I thought this might be shady.

And I thought you told me you were the Banking head? Why are you letting these Bank Director idiots push you around and steal our money for their personal use? You’re the Banking head, dammit! Tell those Directors to pound sand. Or you could simply direct them toward Dead Bill’s wife. Either way.

 It is better that we clam the money, than allowing the Bank Directors to take it, they are rich already. I am not a greedy person, so I suggested we share the funds equal, 50/50% to
both parties, and will help me to start my share of my company, which was my dream.

Those rich sumbitches! Why are they always trying to take the cash that neither of us have any rightful claim to, either? I am not a fan of the Directors.

By the way, you might want to review what the word “reputable” means in the dictionary. You started this communication using that word to describe your bank, but I’m not sure all this conspiracy and shenanigans from the Banking head and the Bank Directors really qualifies your organization for that distinction.

And for Pete’s sake, Chuck, don’t use the past tense when telling me about your dreams. Never give up, man! I might not be falling for this ill-conceived train wreck of a plan, but someone out there might. And when they do, you’ll finally be able to start that GhanaBurger franchise you’ve always wanted. That is your dream, not was. Chin up, old boy, as they say in Oxfordshire.

 Let me know your opinion on this subject, please deal with this information
and the highest
Secret ballot.

Please get back to me with my email address private ( and we will go over the details once i receive
your reply soon.

 Have a nice day, and I am waiting for your contact.

Charles Emmanuel

Here’s where I have to apologize, Chuck. I don’t really know what “deal with this information and the highest Secret ballot” means, but I’m guessing my nationwide weekly column wouldn’t qualify under your definition. Sorry to betray all that trust we’ve built up over the years of you being fake friends with a pretend rich guy with my same last name who had a wife but no next of kin.

I wish we could have split his 18,500,000.00 (Eighteen million five hundred thousand U.S. dollars) equal 50/50% to both parties, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

I just don’t feel like you’re as “reputable” as you’d like me to believe. Although, there might be one thing that would change my mind… Since you were such pals with old Iraqi Oil Bill, get back to me and tell me how Schmatjen is pronounced. Then we’ll talk.

See you soon,


Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

No comments:

Post a Comment