You’ve really got to hand it to the Ghaneze (?) The Ghanans
(?) The Ghanites (?)
The folks from Ghana, anyway. They seem to be following the
lead of the Nigerians, looking to better their presumably ridiculously weak economy
with some good old-fashioned internet scams.
The honorable banker Mr. Charles Emmanuel got ahold of me
yesterday vie email, and I gotta tell you, Chuck, your act needs some
polishing. I’m obviously not going to give you my banking information for this
grammatically chaotic once-in-a-lifetime offer you’ve presented me, but since I’m
such a nice guy, I’ll give you some pointers. You know what they say – Fall for
a man’s scam, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to scam, you feed him for a
lifetime.
Dear Schmatjen,
I have been in the search for someone that
bears the name "Schmatjen" so when I saw your name I was pushed to
contact you and see how best we can assist each other. I am Mr. Charles
Emmanuel
Banking head of the
company with a reputable bank here in Accra Ghana. I believe it is the wish of
God for me to come across you on search now. I am having an important business
discussion I wish to share with you which I believe will interest you because,
it is in connection with your name and
you are going to benefit from it.
OK, Chuck, first off, let’s talk about American last names. I’m
not sure how common a name Emmanuel is in Ghana, but Schmatjen is very rare, so
right out of the gate you seem to be doing OK. Just remember, this probably won’t
work with Smith, Johnson, or Hernandez. And by the way, if you made up Emmanuel
for this scam, then I applaud you for invoking the name of God into your own to
garner my trust. Well played.
Secondly, the terms “reputable bank” and “Ghana” don’t
really go together here in America. No offense, but third-world countries such
as yours don’t foster a ton of trust with us as far as fair regulatory
oversight, and whatnot.
By the way, I had to look up where Ghana actually was. Turns
out you’re not far from Nigeria, which makes sense. I have to ask though, what’s
with the two little countries in between you guys? Togo and Benin? Have those
always been there? I really don’t remember those from high school geography,
but I went to public school, so who knows? And when did “The Gambia” show up, tunneling
their wormy little way into Senegal from the coast? I’ll bet those guys are a pain
in the ass at the cocktail parties, am I right? I mean, how pretentious do you
have to be to name your country “The Gambia”? Anyway, back to your letter.
I have a suggestion urgent action and a highly
secret for you. On March 15,
2004, an Iraqi foreign
oil consultant / contractor with the oil company
Chevron, Mr William
Schmatjen, had fixed deposit with my bank in 2004
calendar year, valued
at 18,500,000.00 (Eighteen million five hundred thousand U.S. dollars) The
date for this contract and deposit is January 30, 2010. Sadly, he was among the
victims of plane crash and for more about the crash you can visit the BBC web
news for the tragedy.
http://newswww.bbc.net.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/oxfordshire/4537663.stm which
killed
more than 2,000
people. It was on a business trip, and
that is
how he met his end.
Seriously, Chuck, I don’t even know where to start with this
“urgent problem” section of your compelling email. Let’s just dive right in
with your really believable-looking BBC link to a plane crash that killed 2000
people. Seriously? You’re going with 2000 people? Did the plane crash into nine
other planes simultaneously, or did it spiral into a soccer stadium on my man
William’s final business trip?
And thanks for telling me the exact day, month, and year of our
wealthy Mr. Schmatjen’s sizable bank deposit, only to reiterate the year in the
same run-on sentence, and then add a completely different date in the next
sentence to confuse me.
Astonishingly, the link to the news article doesn’t seem to
be working, but I see it mentions Oxfordshire, England. I actually have
relatives who live in Oxfordshire. I sure hope they weren’t at that soccer game
at some point between 2004-2010 and now!
My bank management is yet to know about his
death, I knew about it because he was my friend and I am his account officer.
Mr.William did not mention any Next of
Kin/ Heir when the account was opened, and William was married and no children. Last week my
Bank Management requested that i should give instructions on what to do about
his funds, if to renew the contract.
I’m glad to hear you were tight with William, but obviously,
sad for you at the loss of such a good friend. How is his wife taking all this?
I know you said he never mentioned any Next of Kin/ Heir when he opened the
account, but as Banking head of a reputable bank in Accra, Ghana, I’m sure you
have figured out by now that his wife would, of course, be his Next of Kin/
Heir. Pretty much the first person in line, actually. You don’t have to look
any further down the old Next of Kin/ Heir chain once you find the wife. So you
could just text her or something, I guess.
And why do you keep mentioning a contract? Do banks in Ghana
work differently than other banks? Here in the U.S., we just deposit our money
and it stays in there until we take it out. There’s no time limit, as there
apparently is in Accra.
I know this will happen and that is why I have
been looking for a means to handle the situation, because if my Bank Directors
happens to know that William is dead and
do not have any Heir, they will take the funds for their personal use, so I
don't want such to happen. That was why when I saw your last name I was happy
and I am now seeking your co-operation to present you as Next of Kin/ Heir to
the account, since you have the same last name with him and my bank head
quarters will release the account to you. There is no risk involved; the
transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect
you from any breach of law.
Well, first of all, let me just breathe a huge sigh of
relief that there will be no risk of “breach of law” involved for me perjuring myself
in a foreign country by claiming to be someone I’m not in order to snag a cool
eighteen million bucks. Whew! For a minute there I thought this might be shady.
And I thought you told me you were the Banking head? Why are
you letting these Bank Director idiots push you around and steal our money for
their personal use? You’re the Banking head, dammit! Tell those Directors to
pound sand. Or you could simply direct them toward Dead Bill’s wife. Either
way.
It is better that we clam the money, than
allowing the Bank Directors to take it, they are rich already. I am not a
greedy person, so I suggested we share the funds equal, 50/50% to
both parties, and will
help me to start my share of my company, which was my dream.
Those rich sumbitches! Why are they always trying to take the
cash that neither of us have any rightful claim to, either? I am not a fan of
the Directors.
By the way, you might want to review what the word “reputable”
means in the dictionary. You started this communication using that word to describe
your bank, but I’m not sure all this conspiracy and shenanigans from the
Banking head and the Bank Directors really qualifies your organization for that
distinction.
And for Pete’s sake, Chuck, don’t use the past tense when
telling me about your dreams. Never give up, man! I might not be falling for
this ill-conceived train wreck of a plan, but someone out there might. And when
they do, you’ll finally be able to start that GhanaBurger franchise you’ve
always wanted. That is your dream,
not was. Chin up, old boy, as they
say in Oxfordshire.
Let me know your opinion on this subject,
please deal with this information
and the highest
Secret ballot.
Please get back to me
with my email address private (charlesemmanuel00@gmail.com) and we will go over
the details once i receive
your reply soon.
Have a nice day, and I am waiting for your
contact.
Regards,
Charles Emmanuel
charlesemmanuel00@gmail.com
Here’s where I have to apologize, Chuck. I don’t really know
what “deal with this information and the highest Secret ballot” means, but I’m
guessing my nationwide weekly column wouldn’t qualify under your definition. Sorry
to betray all that trust we’ve built up over the years of you being fake
friends with a pretend rich guy with my same last name who had a wife but no
next of kin.
I wish we could have split his 18,500,000.00 (Eighteen
million five hundred thousand U.S. dollars) equal 50/50% to both parties, but
alas, it wasn’t meant to be.
I just don’t feel like you’re as “reputable” as you’d like
me to believe. Although, there might be one thing that would change my mind…
Since you were such pals with old Iraqi Oil Bill, get back to me and tell me
how Schmatjen is pronounced. Then we’ll talk.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen
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