I had a strange new emotion last night. A friend of ours
texted me looking for a hot date by today at the latest, and I got a little
upset.
A little background is due at this point.
We have a beautiful yellow Labrador retriever named Remi.
Our friends have her sister from the previous litter, and both dogs have the same
pair of parents. Our dogs are virtually twins, even though they are a year
apart in age.
Our dog Remi has been spayed, which resulted in some hard
feelings between her and me at the vet, and two completely shattered plastic
cone collars at home, because she just wasn’t having any of it.
Their dog, on the other hand, is not spayed, and as far as I
know, has never shattered a plastic “cone of shame” on a door jamb.
They are currently trying to breed her.
The text last night was this: “Hey, we’re trying to breed
our dog right now. She’s in heat and we’ve been trying with a young Lab for two
days, but he’s just not interested. Do you know of anyone wanting to breed
their male Lab?”
At this point, my first thought, of course, was that “Gigolo
Retriever” would be a great name for a rock band.
My second thought was that unfortunately, I didn’t know any
available male Labs looking for love, so I texted back saying no, and then, out
of nowhere, I got pretty defensive.
What the hell is wrong
with this idiot male dog? Why won’t he mate with our girls? Are our Labs not
good enough for him? Our dogs are beautiful!
Hmm… where is this emotion coming from? My dog and I are not
even involved in this failed transaction. Why am I taking this personally?
Still, though, what is
wrong with our girls? Nothing, that’s what!! They are good looking bitches, and
any pure-bred Lab yahoo would be lucky to even get to sniff their butts!
Wow. Seriously. Not even my dog. I don’t even know the male
dog. I literally have nothing to do with any of this. Settle down.
At that point, however, I was too curious not to ask. “What’s
wrong with the male?”
Our friend responded, “Not sure. He mounts her, does a few
hip tucks, then jumps off and sniffs the grass. We think he might be gay. Ha
ha.”
So, obviously, my first thought was “The Gay Labradors”
would be a great name for an alt-rock bagpipe troupe.
My second thought was, yeah,
he’s probably gay. That makes the most sense, because our girls are amazing.
Apparently, I’m weirdly loyal to my dog. Who knew? I think
that’s probably normal, though.
At least, I’m going to decide it is.
Who’s the best girl?!!!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
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