You’ve gone and done it again this year, haven’t you? You waited until the last minute and still don’t have your Christmas letter written. Like everything else you did this year, it’s going to be too little, too late now. When will you ever learn to stop procrastinating? Maybe next year, huh?
Well, don’t start drowning your sorrows in Jim Beam’s famous eggnog just yet. At least wait until five o’clock like a civilized holiday lush. And no, conquering procrastination does not begin with drinking earlier!
At least wait until you hear the good news. I can’t help you with your crippling lack of motivation or willpower, but I can get you out of this Christmas letter mess. You see, I anticipated your folly yet again this year, and created yet another Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter, just for you. No need to thank me with a card I’ll probably get in June. I’m happy to help. It’s what I do.
So, grab your #2 pencil, pour some of that holiday cheer on the rocks, and start bubbling in the appropriate choices. It’s time to get this letter handled!
[heading and date]
O Christmas 2019
O Holidays 2019
O 2019 Holiday Season
O Festival of the Nativity, Anno Domini MMXIX
O 2019, End of Fourth Quarter and Calendar Year
O cherished loved ones,
O family and friends,
O mostly family and friends and some other obligatory holiday greeting recipients,
O mostly marginal acquaintances,
O bunch of names on the list my spouse provided me,
O Merry Christmas
O Happy Hanukkah
O Happy Holidays
O We’re Buddhist, so Happy Public School “Winter Break”
O We’re Bengals fans, so Happy Last Two Weeks of this God-Forsaken Season
O Yo Ho Ho
[obligatory opening line]
O We just can’t believe the year is almost over!
O Where does the time go?
O Wow, Christmas is here already!
O Christmas is upon us again! Time sure does fly!
O We had a great year here at the (last name here) house.
O We had a good year here at the (last name here) house.
O We sure had a year here at the (last name here) house.
O We’d like to forget the year we had here at the (multiple last names here) house.
O (first child name here) won another award this year for (activity or service merit here).
O (first child name here) almost won an award this year for (fourth place finish here).
O (first child name here) got a participation ribbon for (sport or activity no one cares about here).
O (first child name or inappropriate nickname here) ain’t never gonna win no awards for (skill or activity they are bad at here).
O (second child name here) continues to excel in both (school level and sport here).
O (second child name here) continues to excel in (school subject or sport here).
O (second child name here) continues to attend (school level or sport here).
O (second child name here) continues to misbehave and nearly got expelled again from (school name here).
O (mom’s name here) had another fulfilling year of volunteering at (charitable organization here).
O (mom’s name here) had another exciting year of working at (multinational company name here).
O (mom’s name here) had another year off her life working retail at (major store chain name here).
O (mom’s name here) had another year added to her sentence at (correctional facility name here).
O (dad’s name here) continues to enjoy retirement, keeping busy with his (hobby here).
O (dad’s name here) continues to navigate retirement, with his latest adventure being (hobby here).
O (dad’s name here) continues to be on disability, and can’t seem to keep busy since he hates (hobby here).
O (latest baby daddy’s name here) continues to enjoy unemployment, getting busy with (female neighbor’s name here).
O We wish you all the best in the coming year, and a joyous holiday season.
O We wish you all the best in the coming year.
O We wish you all the best.
O We wish we could be more like your family.
O We wish this year had never happened.
Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!
You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all set.
See you soon,
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
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