You’ve gone and done it again this year, haven’t you? You
waited until the last minute and still don’t have your Christmas letter
written. Like everything else you did this year, it’s going to be too little,
too late now. When will you ever learn to stop procrastinating? Maybe next
year, huh?
Well, don’t start drowning your sorrows in Jim Beam’s famous
eggnog just yet. At least wait until five o’clock like a civilized holiday
lush. And no, conquering procrastination does not begin with drinking earlier!
At least wait until you hear the good news. I can’t help you
with your crippling lack of motivation or willpower, but I can get you out of
this Christmas letter mess. You see, I anticipated your folly yet again this
year, and created yet another Do-it-Yourself Christmas Letter, just for you. No
need to thank me with a card I’ll probably get in June. I’m happy to help. It’s
what I do.
So, grab your #2 pencil, pour some of that holiday cheer on
the rocks, and start bubbling in the appropriate choices. It’s time to get this
letter handled!
[heading and date]
O Christmas 2019
O Holidays 2019
O 2019 Holiday
Season
O Festival of the
Nativity, Anno Domini MMXIX
O 2019, End of Fourth Quarter and Calendar Year
O Wednesday
[salutation]
Dear
O cherished loved
ones,
O family and
friends,
O mostly family and
friends and some other obligatory holiday greeting recipients,
O mostly marginal
acquaintances,
O bunch of names on the
list my spouse provided me,
[introduction]
O Merry Christmas
O Happy Hanukkah
O Happy Holidays
O We’re Buddhist, so
Happy Public School “Winter Break”
O We’re Bengals fans,
so Happy Last Two Weeks of this God-Forsaken Season
O Yo Ho Ho
from the
O Smith
O Gonzalez
O Lee
O Johnson
O Other
family!
[obligatory opening line]
O We just can’t
believe the year is almost over!
O Where does the
time go?
O Wow, Christmas is here
already!
O Christmas is upon
us again! Time sure does fly!
[letter body]
O We had a great
year here at the (last name here) house.
O We had a good year
here at the (last name here) house.
O We sure had a year
here at the (last name here) house.
O We’d like to
forget the year we had here at the (multiple last names here)
house.
O (first child
name here) won another award this year for (activity or service
merit here).
O (first child
name here) almost won an award this year for (fourth place
finish here).
O (first child
name here) got a participation ribbon for (sport or activity no
one cares about here).
O (first child
name or inappropriate nickname here) ain’t never gonna win no awards
for (skill or activity they are bad at here).
O (second
child name here) continues to excel in both (school level and
sport here).
O (second
child name here) continues to excel in (school subject or sport
here).
O (second
child name here) continues to attend (school level or sport here).
O (second
child name here) continues to misbehave and nearly got expelled again
from (school name here).
O (mom’s name
here) had another fulfilling year of volunteering at (charitable
organization here).
O (mom’s name
here) had another exciting year of working at (multinational
company name here).
O (mom’s name
here) had another year off her life working retail at (major store
chain name here).
O (mom’s name
here) had another year added to her sentence at (correctional
facility name here).
O (dad’s name
here) continues to enjoy retirement, keeping busy with his (hobby
here).
O (dad’s name
here) continues to navigate retirement, with his latest adventure being
(hobby here).
O (dad’s name
here) continues to be on disability, and can’t seem to keep busy since
he hates (hobby here).
O (latest baby
daddy’s name here) continues to enjoy unemployment, getting busy with (female
neighbor’s name here).
[closing]
O We wish you all
the best in the coming year, and a joyous holiday season.
O We wish you all
the best in the coming year.
O We wish you all
the best.
O We wish we could
be more like your family.
O We wish this year
had never happened.
Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!
You’re welcome. Now just sign, copy and send. You’re all
set.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
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