Since so many of our readers have not been asking for it,
it’s finally time for another edition of Ask Smidge, the advice column that
doesn’t limit you on a topic. We can give you marginal advice on any subject!
As always, you are encouraged to send your questions to our
new email address –
asksmidge@gmail.com
Now let’s get to America’s burning questions!
Smidge,
Social media seems to be getting more and more divisive and
derisive by the minute, completely divorced from civility and decorum. What ever
happened to a respectful discourse?
Signed,
Appalled in Albany
Dear Appalled,
nice big words mr dictionary
y don’t u just go back to ur
loser book club cocktail party and shut up
how many followers do u even have
on instagram like 2?
lol
Smidge,
I can’t seem to find my glasses. Please help.
Signed,
Spec-less in Seattle
Dear Spec-less,
Since you did not include your age, here is a chart to
choose from:
If you are… then your
glasses are…
5-15 years old… on the ground where you threw them,
currently under someone’s shoe
16-39 years old… I have no idea. Probably in your car.
40-55 years old… everywhere. Just go into another room and get
a pair from any flat surface.
55-75 years old… on your head.
75+ years old… on your face.
Smidge,
We are thinking about putting in a pool, but it seems like a
lot of money for something that will basically be a giant backyard water
feature in the winter. On the other hand, it would be amazing in the summer.
What do you suggest?
Signed,
Deep Decisions in Dallas
Dear Decisions,
I have a much better third option for you! Here’s what you
do:
Go next door to your neighbors’ house and write them a
$10,000 check to install a gate in your shared fence with unlimited access to
their pool. Then, buy yourself a $40,000 four-wheel-drive camouflage golf cart
with a Yeti cooler, GPS navigation, and a built-in barbecue. You’re still money
ahead, and you’ll never have to pay a pool guy to flirt with your wife.
Smidge,
We’re thinking about getting a Ring video doorbell, but they
sure are expensive. Are they worth it?
Signed,
Still Knocking in Knoxville
Dear Knocking,
We got a Ring for Christmas this year, and I would highly
recommend it. If you’re like me, you probably don’t look at your phone nearly
enough during the day. The Ring solves that problem instantly. I am now
alerted, via a vibration and a fun tinkling charm sound, about motion on or
near my porch at least seventeen thousand times a day. It’s great! I’m just
like a teenager now, never taking my eyes off my phone. Downside: I walk into
things a lot now. Upside: I have video of every single car, bike, pedestrian,
and cat that has ever gone down my street!
Smidge,
It’s tax time again, and I heard there have been a lot of
changes in the tax laws. What’s new, and how will it affect me?
Signed,
Overtaxed in Oshkosh
Dear Overtaxed,
It’s true, there have been a lot of changes this year, most
notably the elimination of the personal and dependent exemptions. The standard
deduction amount, however, went way up. Many new limits were placed on itemized
deductions, but at the same time, the child tax credit has doubled. Here’s what
it means for you: At this point, your best option is to be filing as a married
person with a lot of children. If you aren’t currently married and/or don’t
have kids, don’t panic. Just hook up with another single taxpayer prior to
filing, and file together as if you’re “married.” The IRS, being a branch of
the military, has to adhere to the strict “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. And
the only restriction on the child tax credit is that the child be under
seventeen years old. They don’t specifically mention anything about whether the
child “lives at your house,” or even anything about them being “human.” Last
time I checked, your pets are probably under seventeen. My wives and I have
already filed, and the tax credit for our twenty-three children really helped
to offset any losses in exemptions or deductions. Happy filing!
Smidge,
Is romaine lettuce safe to eat again?
Signed,
Over Kale in Kalispell
Dear Kale,
Lettuce of any kind is never safe to eat. It traps E. Coli like a dolphin in a tuna net. It
can be very bad for you, but get this: it’s even worse for the environment. How
can a plant hurt the planet, you ask, alliteratively? Well, a recent article in
Scientific American is headlined “Lettuce Produces More Greenhouse Gas Emissions
Than Bacon Does”. That was all I needed to hear. (Literally – I didn’t actually
read the article itself. Why would you?) So, put down the salad tongs and pick
up a pound of delicious, bacteria-free bacon. And next time you’re out at your
favorite lunch spot, forget the BLT. The BBB is the only way to go. The earth thanks
you.
Thanks again, folks, for sending in your questions. Don’t forget
to keep them coming to
asksmidge@gmail.com
And remember, all advice columns are free, but Ask Smidge is
the only one where you truly get what you pay for! You’re welcome, America!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
