Sure, things might look bad, politically speaking, right now
in America. The House of Representatives started the televised phase of their “impeachment
inquiry” into President Trump today. They are trying to determine, as best as
we can understand, if Rudy Giuliani is secretly a Ukrainian citizen by birth,
and what that means vis-à-vis political favors extended to then citizen Trump
during Comrade Giuliani’s time as mayor of New York.
Or something like that.
I mean, a presidential impeachment inquiry is not exactly
what you would hope your government is up to on a day-to-day basis, but
remember, it could always be worse. In fact, it was, just one year ago.
Let’s take our mind of today’s unpleasantness with a fond
look back at the time Nevada elected a dead pimp. Here’s my report from last November:
The 2018 midterm elections are behind us, and once again,
during this tumultuous and confusing process, the nation looked to the great
state of Nevada for guidance and direction.
Nevada has always been our national beacon of light in times
of darkness. Our North Star, keeping the country focused on what matters. What
counts. What is truly important to us all.
Roulette, cocaine, and hookers.
Wait, that can’t be right…
In any event, yesterday, Nevada showed us the way forward
yet again. They went ahead and elected a dead guy.
We have a long and rich tradition in our larger metropolitan
(read: corrupt) areas of allowing dead people to vote, but very rarely do we
vote for a dead guy. But that’s the
fun of Nevada!
Dennis Hof defeated educator Lesia Romanov yesterday in the
race for Nevada's 36th Assembly District by a vote of 63% to 37%.
As per Nevada assembly district election law, at least one
person in each race has to be an actual pimp, and that was Dennis in this case.
Apparently Lesia is just a teacher or a school principal or something lame like
that.
Dennis Hof owned and operated a half-dozen brothels around
the state and was running on the platform of “Make Nevada Nevada again,” (it
had been previously changed to Nebraska, and people were getting confused), “I
Will Protect Our Water,” (meaning, I will protect our rights to have your water
delivered to you by a licensed sex worker), and “I Can’t be Bought,” (meaning,
I already have all the hookers and cocaine).
Unfortunately for Mr. Hof, he died on October 16th
after an extended weekend of celebrating his 72nd birthday at one of
his brothels. (Remember to ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for
birthday activities, and seek immediate medical attention if you experience a
birthday celebration lasting longer than four days.)
But the fact that their pimp was inconveniently dead was not
going to deter the proud Nevadan District 36’ers from voting him into office in
an overwhelming fashion. Well done, 36’ers, well done!
This is certainly a strange situation, and one that raises
many questions, the most obvious one being, how bad was Lesia Romanov’s
campaign platform that she could actually lose big to a dead pimp?
If she did nothing other than change her late-October
campaign speeches to, “Look, I can breathe and wiggle my fingers,” it seems
like she should have been able to get closer to at least half the votes.
Who knows how these things work!
Anyway, Nevada, the rest of us just want to thank you for,
yet again, showing us the path. You may have just pioneered a new voting
strategy of having dead people vote for dead people, completely eliminating the
need for a live electorate or candidates. That could dramatically reduce
campaign ads being mailed to our houses! That is some next-level visionary
stuff.
Whether that dream comes to fruition or not, above all else,
I just personally want to thank you for electing a dead guy.
I truly wish all politicians could be as ineffective as
he’ll be.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
