I am outraged by Starbucks. I can’t believe their marketing
department didn’t make the cups red earlier.
Since I own mutual funds, I probably own some stock in
Starbucks. At least, I assume I do. Since I want to retire someday, I want to
see the stocks I own go up in value. Attracting people to your business usually
makes your stock go up. (As long as they’re not looters). Therefore, I want as
many legitimate customers as possible attracted to Starbucks, as well as all
the other companies I allegedly own stock in.
Red cups have been attracting people for decades. How is
Starbucks just catching on to that? I’m not sure about red paper cups like
Starbucks has, but red Solo plastic cups bring people like moths to a flame. In
college, you couldn’t keep me away from a place that had a sleeve of red Solo
cups. Duh.
Apparently, though, I’m in the minority of people who are
thrilled with Starbucks’ new red cup. I guess it used to have holiday designs
on it or something? I have no idea, since I don’t drink coffee, and if I did, I
wouldn’t drive somewhere to buy it for six dollars a cup from a “barista” with
a pierced forehead and the audacity to have a tip jar. (But for those of you
who do, please continue to do so, as long as I actually own stock in
Starbucks... I should check that.)
At least one person somewhere -- either a customer, a shrewd
Starbucks marketing genius, or a reporter – was “outraged” by Starbucks’ “war
on Christmas” when the red cups without snowflakes were revealed. The internet
has since exploded with outrage, and outrage against the outrage. The internet
is fun.
Here’s the thing, America – you’re free. And especially
today -- on Veterans Day – it’s very important to keep that in mind.
Starbucks is free to make their cup any color or colors they
choose.
You are free to not like it.
They are free to put any or no designs on their cups.
You are free to go on the internet and complain about it.
Even to be outraged by it.
The other Americans on the internet are free to be outraged
by your outrage, and also to call you a snot-nosed whiny little yahoo.
You are free to be outraged by their outrage to your
outrage.
You are free to maybe switch to decaf if you’re the type of
person who’s prone to being outraged by things like the designs and colors of
cups.
You are free to celebrate Christmas.
You are also free to celebrate Arbor Day, Kwanzaa, and Pan
American Aviation Day if you want to.
You’re also free to not celebrate any of those holidays.
You’re free to buy coffee from anywhere they sell it.
There’s really no end to it. You are free to buy a clip-in
man bun, which they apparently sell now.
And we, as Americans, are free to mercilessly ridicule
buyers of clip-in man buns, as they so obviously deserve.
And as far as Starbucks goes, I’m free to tell you that if
you were actually offended in some way by the cup decoration choices at a drink
and cake chain, you should probably take up some sort of hobby that puts some
meaning in your life.
We’re all free. Where did we get all this amazing freedom? It
was brought to you (and bought for you,
in many cases) by veterans.
So this Veterans Day, you red cup haters can be thankful for
the freedom to take your mocha-frappa-latte business to Tully’s, or Peet’s, or
Dutch Brothers, or Seattle’s Best, or straight to Juan Valdez if you can catch
up to his mule.
And you remaining Starbucks customers can be thankful the
red cup haters won’t be clogging up the line.
But above all else, don’t forget to be thankful for our
veterans. If you see one, stop them and let them know you are one grateful,
freedom-loving S.O.B. Maybe even buy them a coffee.
I’ll be thankful for veterans, and for red Solo cups.
And the freedom to (possibly) own stock in a company that
charges you people six bucks for a red cup of something that you could make at
home for six cents.
God bless America.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen
