Let me just start this by saying I love Amazon.com almost
more than my own kids. I get hives just thinking about driving past the mall, let alone actually trying to park and go in,
so Amazon is a Godsend. Plus, I like to shop in my underwear, and they kick you
out very unceremoniously when you try to do that at the mall.
I especially love Amazon when it comes to Christmas shopping.
I can get everything I need from the comfort of my own underwear, and the Amazon
website never makes snide comments about my mental health or tells me to join a
gym.
I love that about them, and apparently, quite a few other
people feel the same way, because this time of year the UPS drivers come in
pairs – one seasoned employee to drive the truck while sipping a pumpkin spice
latte, and one poor sweaty bastard from a temp agency to run up and down approximately
ten million driveways every twelve-hour shift.
Despite all my love and devotion to Amazon, I do have to
take issue with something I’m seeing as the holiday delivery season ramps up. I’m
not sure if UPS and FedEx just can’t handle the whole load, or if Amazon just
thought Uber was a cool idea, but they are now hiring private individuals to
deliver some of the packages.
That’s great and everything, but it’s becoming glaringly
obvious that these folks haven’t completed the same rigorous package delivery training
courses that the UPS and FedEx drivers are required to take. And if they have,
it seems some of them were absent for theft deterrent day.
Porch piracy is a big problem these days, prompting millions
of Americans to install cameras in their doorbells, so they can use their
mobile device to actually watch their packages being stolen from their porches
in real time while they’re at work. They are then able to post an out-of-focus video
to the internet, asking if anyone has seen this blurry thief, possibly either
male or female, between the age of thirteen and seventy-two, who may or may not
have been wearing clothes.
Besides amazing camera technology and complaining on the
internet, one big deterrent of porch piracy is simply keeping the packages out
of view from the street. Our porch, for example, has a few good-sized nooks and
crannies, and one large post that could hide a new refrigerator fairly well.
That’s why I was more than a little surprised by the package delivery location my
amateur Uber-esque delivery guy chose the other day.
Our Blu-ray player can still play DVDs just fine, but it
decided to stop playing Blu-ray disks. Go figure. So, in my rich tradition of
combining things we need with my wife’s birthday and Christmas gifts, I got her
a new Sony Blu-ray player from Amazon.
The skilled delivery guy pulled up in his Nissan Sentra and,
scanning the porch area and all its good hiding spots, decided the best thing
to do would be to PROP THE BOX UP ON THE FRONT DOOR THRESHOLD, so as to be as
visible as possible from the street. Maybe he likes to admire his deliveries
one last time as he drives away? I’m not sure.
What an idiot, you
might be saying to yourself. But wait, it gets better. In another turn of
events that I guess constitutes one more thing I need to chastise Amazon about,
the box of Sony thief candy was not packaged inside an Amazon box. It was just
delivered unwrapped, in its store display Sony box, that said SONY in big
letters. And to be extra helpful to the thieves that might be experiencing some
degree of illiteracy, the box artwork included nice color pictures of the
expensive contents.
So Captain Delivers-A-Lot basically put a poster on the bottom
of my front door advertising “Free Blu-ray players! This porch only! Supplies
are limited! Act fast!”
I mean, he may as well have just left it in the street.
Speaking of leaving things in the street, I guess it could
have been worse. When I came home, at least I would have wanted to pick up my
new Blu-ray player out of the gutter. While my guy skipped anti-theft day at
delivery school, at least one contract delivery driver extraordinaire right
here in the greater Sacramento area missed the all-important “don’t poop on the
street in front of the customer’s house” seminar.
I’m not making that up. Some guy in Sacramento has blurry,
but-good-enough-to-see-what-you-really-didn’t-want-to-see video footage of a
lady in a U-Haul van, squatting in front of his driveway and leaving him one Christmas
delivery that you just can’t buy on Amazon.
I guess there’s a minuscule chance that she was trying to
help. She may just be an outside-the-box thinker when it comes to theft
deterrent methods, and she was setting a trap for any would-be porch pirates,
but something makes me doubt that as a possible motive. I think she’s just a
crappy delivery driver. (Get it?)
Seriously, Amazon, I love you, but what kind of fly-by
night, poop-by-day operations are you hiring to bring us our boxes? Do us and
yourselves a favor and put a few more people in the Delivery Driver Qualifications
and Standards Department. You don’t want any more customers having to say, “Hey,
I didn’t order this crap!” (Last one, I promise.)
Oh, and U-Haul – you guys might not want that van back.
There didn’t seem to be any wiping happening on the video.
Ew.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2017 Marc Schmatjen
Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com
Author Page for all
his books. Enjoy!
