I hope everyone had a safe and sane Halloween last year. It
is my sincere wish, as well as the wish of our National Safety Council and the
American Academy of Pediatrics, that none of you or your children were injured,
sickened, traumatized, frightened, scared, worried, startled, disturbed,
rattled, jolted, displeased, inconvenienced, set on fire, or over-exercised.
You may be saying right now, “Well, yes, Smidge. As a matter
of fact, my children were slightly startled in one brief instance last year,
and I’m still hopping mad about it.”
If that’s the case, you probably did Halloween wrong. You
may not be current on all the latest Halloween safety tips and procedures.
Unfortunately, that makes you a bad parent. But before Child Protective
Services needs to get involved, we’ve all decided to give you one more chance this
year.
Please spend as many hours as necessary (minimum six)
reviewing the list below so you’re ready to be a good parent tomorrow night.
HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIPS FROM THE GOVERNMENT
Select a safe area for
trick-or-treating. Choose streets that
are well lighted and landscaped so you can be seen. Avoid trick-or-treating on streets you are
unfamiliar with, and try to go out before it gets dark.
Were you trick-or-treating after 3:30 P.M.? Shame on you.
Did you go to the porch of a house that didn’t have perfectly manicured front
hedges? That was incorrect.
Always keep the adult
who is watching you in sight. Never go
into a stranger’s home while trick-or-treating.
Never get into a stranger’s car or go anywhere with a stranger.
Cross the street only
at intersections and crosswalks. Do not
walk out from behind parked cars or try to cross in the middle of the block.
Did you let your kids jump into the stranger’s van to go get
the candy that they forgot at their other house? That was wrong. Don’t do that.
Did you cross your neighborhood streets at any place other than an
intersection? You are an idiot.
Wait until you get
home to eat your treats. Your parents
should inspect each item carefully, looking for needles, open packages and
other signs of tampering. Do not eat
homemade items prepared by strangers.
This is equally important – If you did find needles, it is
not OK to re-use them.
Plan costumes that are
bright and reflective. Make sure that shoes fit well and that costumes are
short enough to prevent tripping, entanglement or contact with flame.
Consider adding
reflective tape or striping to costumes and trick-or-treat bags for greater
visibility.
If any part of your child’s costume was a dark,
non-reflective, or ill-fitting garment, your children probably already realize
you don’t love them.
Because masks can
limit or block eyesight, consider non-toxic makeup and decorative hats as safer
alternatives. Hats should fit properly to prevent them from sliding over eyes.
Makeup should be tested ahead of time on a small patch of skin to ensure there
are no unpleasant surprises on the big day.
If you have found the first properly-fitting decorative hat
in the history of the world, please let the rest of us know where you bought
it. Any makeup or face paint that says “made in China” is radioactive. Seeking
medical attention at this point is futile since you already touched it. Smear
it all over and enjoy what time you have left.
When shopping for
costumes, wigs, and accessories look for and purchase those with a label
clearly indicating they are flame resistant.
This is especially important for wigs, since every
trick-or-treater attempts to stick his or her head inside your jack-o’-lantern,
as is customary and traditional.
(Side Note: While fire retardancy is a paramount issue on
All Hallows Eve, “The Flaming Wigs” would obviously be a great name for a rock
band.)
Do not carry or wear
sharp objects that may poke others or damage eyes. Objects like swords, wands, canes, etc.,
should be left at home. Do not carry toy
guns that look like real guns. A citizen
or a police officer can mistake a toy gun for a real gun.
Did your child lose an eye last year? That plastic Harry
Potter wand was the problem in that instance. Were your kids pinned down behind
your neighbor’s SUV for hours in a firefight with local law enforcement
officers? Next time simply leave the toy guns at home.
Carry a flashlight to
light the way and to alert motorists of your presence. Never carry candles or any other flammable
object. Do not use candles for
decorations or displays. They can easily
be knocked down or can set fire to a nearby curtain or costume.
Did you set yourself, your curtains, and your neighbor’s
curtains on fire last year? The candelabra you were using to light your way was
the problem. Most cell phones have a flashlight app now. Look into it.
Motorists need to be
extra careful on Halloween. Watch out
for careless children who may run into the street without looking. Expect the unexpected, and anticipate the
actions of others.
If you were not “expecting the unexpected” last year, I am
incredibly disappointed in you. Sit down and make a list of all the unforeseen
issues that might arise tomorrow night so that you may stop sucking at life.
Small children should
never carve pumpkins. Children can draw a face with markers. Then parents can
do the cutting.
Correction – No one should ever carve pumpkins. It’s a
slimy, messy job that attracts fruit flies and makes your hands stink like
pumpkin guts. We should all stop.
Consider using a
flashlight or glow stick instead of a candle to light your pumpkin. If you do
use a candle, a votive candle is safest.
Candlelit pumpkins
should be placed on a sturdy table, away from curtains and other flammable
objects, and not on a porch or any path where visitors may pass close by. They
should never be left unattended.
In summary, a concrete and stucco porch is no place for a
small flame encased inside a wet, sticky, flame-retardant gourd. Keep the fire
inside your home, on a surface made entirely of combustible materials.
A good meal prior to
parties and trick-or-treating will discourage youngsters from filling up on
Halloween treats.
We’re not sure who wrote this, but they obviously had never
met a youngster before.
Consider purchasing
non-food treats for those who visit your home, such as coloring books or pens
and pencils.
Definitely consider doing this if you’re tired of not having
toilet paper in your trees, eggs on your house, and soap on the windows of your
cars.
Hopefully this list will help you have a much safer and more
enjoyable Halloween this year. I know that was a lot of information at once,
but if you are ever in doubt, just use common sense. You can start by asking
yourself five simple questions.
Have I fastened my child to his trick-or-treat buddy with
reflective tape?
Yes?
Great.
Is my child carrying anything other than a piece of
Styrofoam that I bubble-wrapped for safety?
No?
Perfect.
Is the sun still high in the sky?
Yes?
Winning.
Are there any dangerous jack-o’-lanterns with insane open
flames inside them within a two hundred-foot radius of my child?
No.
You are doing great.
Have we come into contact with any candy whatsoever?
No?
You are a great parent!
Enjoy your Halloween done right this year!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com
Author Page for all
his books. Enjoy!
