Insincerely Yours, COVID

This is a message of hope, fellow COVID quarantiners, directly from my email inbox to you. If you thought you were in this alone, nothing could be further from the truth. Hundreds of thousands of people are here for you and me in these challenging times.

They work at places like your credit card company and your local auto dealership.

Why, just the other day I heard from the nice folks at Sunrun Solar, a company I ended up not buying our solar panels from, letting me know that their “top priority is the health and safety of our customers and employees,” and also that they are open for business.

Good to hear, in case I ever don’t need solar panels from them again.

Early on in the pandemic, Southwest Airlines contacted me to let me know “while many things are changing, our commitment to your Safety and providing travel flexibility has not changed.”

That’s a load off my mind, here at home, where I am required by law to stay.

TurboTax reached out to let me know their “hearts and thoughts go out to each and every one of you,” and also, “you have our commitment to continue providing you with the products and services you depend on.”

TurboTax is my rock in these taxing times.

Barclays got ahold of me to tell me that “staying in touch with you is important to us.” I’m pretty sure I don’t have a Barclays credit card. Nevertheless, they let me know that “as the situation with COVID-19 evolves, things are changing rapidly,” and wanted to be sure I had “all the information you need to manage your account as easily as possible.”

Shouldn’t be a problem.

Verizon Wireless sends me daily emails, checking in to make sure I know their commitment to me has never been stronger. They also selflessly let me know about all the money they have given to charities around the globe. We have teenagers, so I guess I should say, all of my money they’ve given to charities around the globe. To really show me they care, they’ve also been giving me free data that expires in a month.

Since none of us have left the protective umbrella of our home Wi-Fi signal since the beginning of March, free wireless data is super handy right now. For Verizon.

Our life insurance company, Legal & General America, shot an email over the other day to tell me that “as the global impact of COVID-19 evolves, we remain committed to the health and well-being of our customers.”

Umm, yes, I would assume so. You’re a life insurance company after all.

And what string of email platitudes would be complete without hearing from the fine folks at Lifetouch School Photography? Of all the emails I received, theirs was by far the most uplifting in its selflessness. “At Lifetouch, we love being a place where you can capture memories, stay connected to your loved ones, and build community. In the midst of COVID-19, and school closings, we will continue to be that place where you can share & connect.”

Yep, as soon as school closed, I immediately logged onto my Lifetouch account to maintain my sense of community connection. Their email had handy links to “some helpful articles on how to navigate this season together.”

Strangely, the links all went to Lifetouch’s own website, where the “articles” mostly encouraged me to take lots of pictures of my kids while I’m at home. Also included above and below each helpful season-navigating article were links that would allow me to purchase old school photos of my kids that I never asked Lifetouch to take in the first place, that they are conveniently keeping for me in their archives.

That was nice, but a thought kept occurring to me. I mean, I know they only sent me this email because they care deeply about my health and wellbeing, but why would a company that wants to take my kids’ pictures for me be encouraging me to do it myself?

And then I remembered… Oh, yeah, Lifetouch is owned by Shutterfly. It all makes sense now.

Like I said, this is a message of hope. We aren’t navigating these troubled waters alone. Your inbox is proof that plenty of people out there care deeply about you and your plans for your stimulus check.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen

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Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

My Main Man Chowhurdy

This week I’d like to take a moment and give a big shout out and a huge thank you to my new best buddy, Teodoro Chowhurdy.

I don’t actually know Chowhurdy personally, but he sent me an email the other day from his totally legitimate-sounding email address of chowhurdyteodoro30@forestnotes.co.jp. It was a very helpful email alerting me to some recent account activity in one of my many accounts.

Mr. Chowhurdy,

The subject of your helpful email was “Operational Expense.” I want to thank you, Teodoro, for alerting me to the fact that an operational expense of 7,109,91 USD has been credited from my account. I do have a few questions, though.

Here in America we generally put the first comma between the hundredth and the thousandth place, so I’m not totally sure if you’re telling me that just over seven hundred thousand dollars has been credited from my account, or just over seven million. Either way it’s rather alarming. I sincerely wish I had an account with a large enough balance that either one of those scenarios would be possible, but unfortunately for both of us, I do not.

Secondly, you’re using the word ‘credited,’ but then saying that this comma-undetermined amount of money was “credited from” my account. We usually use the word ‘credited’ as an indication of an addition to someone’s account.

You might have meant to say “withdrawn from your account,” but I’m hopeful that you misused the word ‘from’ and you really meant to tell me that a large sum of USD was credited to my account. That would be sweet. Either way, my accounts all seem to be at their normal, depressing balances. Please advise.

You also invited me to view the details of this comma and directionally-confusing transaction by referring to the report that you so helpfully attached to the email. The report, however, was inexplicably named “caution_ma.zip.”

Now, Mr. Chowhurdy, I’m certainly no expert in what they call ‘spam’ or ‘phishing,’ but I have heard that many not-so-legitimate emails contain viruses meant to steal my passwords, hijack my email, or lock me out of my computer in some nefarious fashion. You wouldn’t do something like that, would you, Teodoro?

Not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that I’ve heard those viruses usually show up in a .zip file, and the one you sent me starts with the word ‘caution,’ like some sort of subtle, covert warning...

Could it be that you are really trying to warn me that this isn’t on the up and up?

That’s it, isn’t it, Mr. Chowhurdy? You really are my friend. That’s why you put the comma in the wrong place. That’s why you misused the word ‘credited.’ That’s why I haven’t seen any unusually large activity, either coming or going, on any of my accounts. That’s why the file name on the attachment is so foreboding. You’re warning me, aren’t you?

Are you being held against your will and forced to attempt to scam people out of their money by bad guys who don’t speak or write English? Is that how you were able to sneak that ridiculously incomprehensible amount of USD and that utterly preposterous file name past them? That’s it, isn’t it? You are a genius, Chowhurdy!

How can I help you? They must have you chained to a desk somewhere, or maybe they threatened your family if you didn’t cooperate. I’d hate to think that Mrs. Chowhurdy and the little Chowhurdys are in danger. What can I do? You’ve been so kind to me, I need to help you out of this horrible situation.

Maybe if you were to actually credit my account with some actual USD I could use the money to hire a mercenary group to find you, neutralize the bad guys, and set you and the Chowhurdy family free.

Hit me back and I’ll get you my PayPal info. Thanks, man. Stay strong.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2016 Marc Schmatjen

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Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

Mail Order Bride Lie Detector

Hello,i am just surfing around Facebook when i came across your profile and i just thought i would stop by and say hi cos i was really intrigued by your picture,i must admit that your profile picture is good enough, well i would love to know more about you, my name is Kate to start with, love to hear from you soon.

Well, Kate, I really appreciate your interest in me, especially the no-holds-barred flattery of my profile picture being “good enough,” but I’m afraid you have some competition. You are not my only Facebook stalker, you know. Blessing is also very interested in me, and she can draw hearts and magic fairy dust with her keyboard.

Hi, I am Blessing, please how are you! hope you are fine and in perfect condition of health. I went through your profile and i read it and took interest in it, please if you don't mind i will like you to write me on this ID (blessingmarta @ y a h o o.com) because I am not often here on face book, send me email, in my email address or you send me your email here, so that i will use it to sand you mail and tell you more about my self OK thanks and GOD bless,

Lots of love!

Blessing

Together for ever...

(¨`·.·´¨)

 `·.¸(¨`·.·´ ¨) Thanks

(¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´ &

 `·.¸.·´....Regards

    ´¨)

¸ • ´ ¸. • * ´ ¨) Miss Blessing.

(¸.•´ (¸.

**~*~*~*~*~*~**~**~*~*~*~*~*~**-**~*~*

As you can see, Kate, Miss Blessing even gave me her email address, and she wants me to sand her mail on her ID. That is quite an offer. She seems a little more serious than you, and she is also concerned about my health, whereas you seem to only be interested in my adequate looks. Plus, the hearts and fairy dust are very compelling.

Here’s the problem, though, ladies. I assume if I made contact with either of you, I would find out that you are from some poverty-stricken dictatorship somewhere, but you are a really loving person, and as an added bonus, you are also a smokin’ hot babe, who just wants a chance to live a fun life in America. You’ll probably eventually get around to asking me to fund your trip here to the land of milk and honey, in exchange for being my wife, or at least, my hot foreign girlfriend. That’s great and all, but it makes me wonder just how serious you are about me.

If you had spent any amount of time perusing my Facebook profile, you would have no doubt seen all the pictures of my wife. Now, I understand that a hot, fun-loving girl like yourself can’t always concern herself with “the other woman,” especially since you are obviously head-over-heels for my incredibly average handsomeness. It’s the other thing I’m worried about. If you saw the pictures of my wife, then you obviously saw the pictures of my three boys as well.

Just based on logic and what I know about biology, I have to assume that there are boys in whatever country you are from. So there’s the problem.

You ladies either sent this letter to every guy on Facebook without actually looking at our profiles, or you did look at my profile, and you have no intention of actually leaving your country of origin to be my hot foreign girlfriend and/or wife.

I know this, because there is no way on earth that any woman would consciously want to live with three boys. Especially three boys ages nine, eight, and six. They are loud, obnoxious, smelly, rude, loud, dirty, annoying, loud, interrupting, loud, clumsy, loud little tornados of refrigerator-emptying noise. And did I mention they were loud? The only reason we keep them inside the house is because we are legally obligated to do so.

Since there are obviously boys where you live, I have to assume you have been in contact with at least one of them. That experience would have obviously been more than enough to make you never want to have one of your own. Now you expect me to believe from your fraudulent message that you are very much looking forward to having three of your own? Nonsense.

Nice try, ladies. You won’t be getting any money for “travel expenses” out of me any time soon. Maybe some lonely guy out there will fall for your trickery, but not this father of three boys.

I will still be contacting you both, however. My wife and I talked it over, and we want to come live with you. We don’t care what kind of war-torn hell-hole you come from. Even if bombs are dropping all around you constantly, it still has to be quieter than our house.

By the way, do you think you could help out with our travel expenses?

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2014 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!