Dear Lifetouch School Portraits,
Just wanted to shoot you another quick letter and let you
know that I’m super excited you and I are back together again for Fall Picture
Day tomorrow. Getting those picture packets is like opening a box of Cracker
Jack every year – I just can’t wait to see what we get.
In my fifth letter to you, I very helpfully detailed how
much your website sucks. I assumed you would use that information to improve
the website up to at least an IRS.gov level of user-friendliness. I don’t think
that’s asking too much.
I wanted to take a minute this year and let you know what a
total suckfest your website still is. To focus on the positive for a minute – When
ordering my picture packets, there were only six annoying options to click ‘no
thanks’ on this year, instead of the forty or fifty I had to wade through last
year, so I take that as evidence that you actually have an IT guy. Although,
based on everything else, I’m assuming it’s still that fourth-grader. Actually,
I guess he or she would be in fifth grade this year. Tell them congratulations
for me.
Back to the suckfest - I already had an account with a
username and password from years prior, so I logged in and was happy to see my
information on the screen, but the momentary hopefulness dissolved quickly as I
noticed the system had not saved my sons’ info. Why? Why would you not save
that? They’re the ones getting their pictures taken.
On the front page you invited me to ‘add students,’ so I did.
It went OK, but I’d like to point out that once I tell you what state and city
our oldest boy lives in, and what school he attends, it might be nice if you
were to auto-fill that info in for the other two boys instead of having me have
to start completely fresh every time. We don’t have one of our elementary
school children in California and another in Idaho like I guess you assume most
people do? We all live in the same house.
Once I was done with the longer-than-it-needed-to-be process
of typing in the exact same information for three kids I was absolutely
thrilled to see that when I actually tried to order pictures, I had to type in all
that information again. Separately. Three times.
Apparently I was only ‘adding students’ to my new Lifetouch ‘My
Rewards’ program that I thought was the start of the order process, but is
actually not related to anything helpful about ordering pictures. You did offer
me a ‘FREE Hi-Res Digital Image’
through my new My Rewards account that now remembers my boys’ names (but again,
I feel I need to point out, does not transfer them through to the actual order
process, which would be the only reason anyone would want your website to
remember their kids’ names). I didn’t get the news about the amazing free
Hi-Res image deal until after my purchase, and there does not seem to be any
way to add it to my order now, so thanks for nothing, really. It’s OK, though.
We’re really a Lo-Res family anyway. We get too Hi-Res and we might start to notice
the mustard stains on their faces and shirts.
I also see that you have completely done away with that
annoying family plan, where I got to pay less because I had more than two kids
at the school. Thanks. I hated saving that money.
A half-hour later I clicked ‘complete order’ and logged off
in disgust again this year. You have one of the only websites that makes people
wish they were on the DMV’s website instead. Congratulations for that, I guess.
Then, moments later in my inbox, you made up for everything with
your order summary email. I was thrilled to see that you thought enough of our
relationship to include the following inspirational statement and handy link:
We're excited for your
student's Picture Day! Click here for advice from kids on how to prepare
for Picture Day!
I clicked here, and there was apparently supposed to be a
video at the top of the page, and I’m sure it was adorable – probably
super-cute kids giving hilariously precious advice to parents, like, “Make sure
you feed your kids doughnuts on picture day, because doughnuts make you smile,”
and stuff like that. I wouldn’t know, because the video failed to play. You can
go ahead and make another note for your fifth grade IT guy.
Then came the five pearls of wisdom:
Use these tips to help
your child get ready for a great-looking school portrait that you’ll treasure
forever.
1) Help your child
pick out clothes and colors that look good on them. After all, your child is
the star of the photo—not their shirt, so avoid slogans, logos, and big
patterns. Small jewelry and accessories are fine but nothing too big or
distracting. Make sure to check your flyer to see sample poses for your Picture
Day. Some poses may show pants or skirts, so plan the complete outfit.
Look, it’s either pick out the clothes for them, or get what
you get. They can’t be involved in the decision making. Case in point would be that
time you took a picture of Son Number Three wearing a T-shirt featuring a bear
in full road leathers and gloves, riding a green motorcycle in front of a U.S.
flag shaped like an outline of the United States. That ‘no logo’ advice would
have been handy then.
And thanks for the pose advice. Where was this nugget a few
years back when you had my kids sitting on a plastic “rock” that looked like a
giant cow pie? I sent them to school in soccer shorts and your pictures ended
up just showcasing all their knee injuries.
2) Glasses are okay!
Lifetouch photographers know all the tricks to reduce glare.
So we should let Son Number Two wear his glasses on picture
day? Thanks for the heads up. Now I feel like a jerk. A lot of those knee
injuries were from trying to bike to school without his glasses that day.
3) Any hairstyle works
for Picture Day. Schedule haircuts a few weeks ahead of time to allow hair to
grow back a little, or you can go for a fresh-cut look.
I like how you give me so many options. One question,
though. By ‘any hairstyle’ do you also mean bed head? Because bed head is by
far our most common hair style for our boys on any given school day.
4) Keep kids relaxed
and ready to be themselves. Smiles can look fake if they’re practiced ahead of
time. Remember, smiles are like french fries—they’re better when they’re fresh.
I guess this sort of applies to Son Number Two. Son Number Three
however, has never relaxed. Unless you want to take a picture of him sleeping,
you’re going to have to deal with wild and crazy. And as far as Number One
goes, no amount of relaxation or French fry jokes are going to help with his Chronic
Forced Smile Disorder. The struggle with CFSD is real and we’re still looking
for a treatment center.
5) Don’t worry about
“perfect”! That hair that always sticks up or a missing tooth shows your child
just as they are right now—and you’ll enjoy looking back on that for years to
come. On Picture Day, teachers and volunteers will help straighten collars and
check posture. And, if you like, we have retouching options for scrapes and
blemishes.
Really? We’ll enjoy looking at bed head for years to come?
Tell that to my wife. I’m not sure she’s buying it.
And teachers and volunteers will help straighten collars and
check posture, huh? Hmm... I guess that might be true, but I think sometimes they
might get sidetracked dealing with little Johnny making fart noises in line and
blaming it on Suzy. Either way, could you do me a huge favor? When you look
through the lens and see something other than collars or posture out of place –
oh, I don’t know, like maybe food stuck to my son’s face - in two different
places, I might add – could you maybe grab a wet wipe and help clean him up a
tad. We’re not worrying about “perfect” over here, but we’re not going to send
the grandparents a picture of our boy with an entire noodle from his macaroni
and cheese stuck to his cheek.
And yes, I know all about the retouching options. I spent
ten minutes clicking ‘no thanks’ to all of them before you’d let me order. I’m
not willing to give you money to digitally edit out the mac ‘n cheese noodle.
Napkins cost less. Let’s use them.
That’s it! Our
experienced photographers are pros at making a fun and worry-free Picture Day.
OK, if you say so. Thanks for all the good advice. We’re excited about Picture Day,
too.
I’m over here just giddy with anticipation. Good luck
tomorrow.
All my best,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2016 Marc Schmatjen
Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com
Author Page for all
his books. Enjoy!
