‘A’ is for Axe. In light of the news that HBO just fired
lifelong Sesame Street regulars Bob, Luis, and Gordon, I thought a repost of my
column from a year ago on the subject was in order. Who could've seen this
coming? Enjoy.
As if Legos that now actually fire projectiles and the
intolerable addition of swamp-idiot Jar Jar Binks to Star Wars weren’t enough
of a slap in the face to my generation, yet another thing from our childhood
has changed forever. Sesame Street is leaving PBS and moving to HBO.
The PBS press release was disconcerting at best.
“We here at the formerly nonprofit PBS are sad to see our
friends from Sesame Street go, but we are greatly comforted by the giant
mountain of money we now have in the middle of the office. We will spend the
next few days climbing up to the top and rolling down into the champagne moat
we have constructed, and then we plan to take a year or three off and travel
the world. As we search the globe for new programming inspiration and expensive
shoes, have no fear about a lack of quality content on your local PBS station.
For the near term we are rolling out a brand new format of 24/7 live-broadcast
fundraisers. Enjoy!”
HBO’s press release was troublesome for the Sesame Street
purists, but it met with guarded approval from many industry insiders.
“Since 1969, the Sesame Street franchise on PBS has been an
amazing success. Now, in 2015, we here at HBO are thrilled to announce that we
are ready to take Sesame Street to even greater heights. All great sums are a
function of their parts, and that’s why we have decided to launch the iconic show
into several exciting spin-offs.
As always, Big Bird leads the pack, and his new show is no
exception. Our giant yellow friend will star in “Big Daddy,” a gritty New
Jersey crime drama about one bird’s rise from the mean streets of Sesame Hill
through the drug gangs and organized crime rings of the big city. He’s in for
the fight of his life to stay on top and keep his massive empire from crumbling
when his top lieutenants start to believe that someone else might really be
calling the shots. Is the mysterious Mr. Snuffleupagus just a drug-induced
hallucination of the giant feathered crime boss, or is he the power player
who’s really pulling the strings?
Oscar the Grouch reveals his dark side in the new
bone-chilling murder-mystery, “Trash Day.” A mysterious year-long rash of pet
disappearances on Sesame Street ends abruptly one cold week in January.
Hardened SPCA detective Elmo Van Buren’s gut tells him it’s the work of a
serial killer, and he can’t ignore that the last report coincides with the
disappearance of one of Sesame Street’s most notorious figures. Oscar “The
Grouch” Plovich, the trash can-dwelling derelict from the wrong side of the
street, has vanished. With his marriage on the rocks, the fuzzy red detective
follows Oscar’s trail all the way to the Louisiana bayou, where Oscar’s trash
can has been found in an abandoned shrimp processing plant. Tensions mount when
Elmo learns the truth about Oscar’s past. Could the dirty green hobo be his
long-lost father from a loveless Dumpster encounter thirty years before?
Reports of missing pets have spiked in Cajun country since Oscar’s arrival, and
now Elmo must unravel the mystery. Coincidence or murder? What will the
squeaky-voiced detective find when he lifts the lid?
The neighborhood grocery store is the setting for our new
paranormal thriller, “Hooper’s Revenge.” Since Mr. Hooper’s mysterious death in
the ‘80s, Hooper’s Store has had unsteady management at best. David was left
the store in Mr. Hooper’s will, but soon he couldn’t wait to sell it. Mr. Hanford
took over the reins, but quickly sold out to good-natured and unsuspecting
Alan, the current proprietor. None of the owners could ever manage to get any
of the Sesame Street regulars to work in the store for any length of time, or
even help out on weekends. What are the puppets from the street hiding? What do
they know? Alan soon finds out what many have suspected for years. Mr. Hooper
may have died, but he never left the store. Alan struggles to maintain his
sanity as the ghost of Mr. Hooper wreaks havoc on his life and his business.
Will Alan uncover the truth behind how David really acquired Hooper’s Store?
And will Alan find a buyer before he buys the farm?
Bert and Ernie team up again, this time as detectives on the
San Francisco police narcotics squad in “Partners in Crime.” The City by the
Bay has a major new player in town, and he’s brought in the highest grade
heroin anyone has ever seen. Overdoses are rampant, and the mayor is breathing
down the police chief’s neck to put a lid on the new smack, quickly. Bert is
forced to go deep undercover into the seedy world of underground nightclubs and
motel room drug deals, while Ernie can only watch helplessly from the
sidelines. Tempers flare on the job and at home as Ernie confronts Bert about
his reckless behavior. Bert knows that to bring down this kingpin, backup is
not an option. As Bert seems to spiral out of control into his undercover role
as a high-priced male escort, will Ernie be his lifeline, or will the duo
finally be forced to split, permanently?
And last, but certainly not least, comes the new original
series, “Crank Street.” Fun-loving, mild-mannered, and mustachioed science
teacher Gordon has lived an ideal existence at 123 Sesame Street for years. His
perfect life is suddenly turned upside down when he’s diagnosed with Bubonic
plague. Hit with the realization that he only has twenty-seven cents to leave
to his family, he levels his sights on a grim future. Gordon’s knowledge of
chemistry is the one thing he has to work with, and as his health rapidly
deteriorates, he lures Grover, the neighborhood meth tweaker, into his web of
despair. The brownstone at 123 Sesame Street soon becomes one of the most
productive meth labs in the tri-state area. More innocent victims soon fall
prey to Gordon’s insidious plan to leave his family millions instead of
pennies. Count von Count can hardly keep up with the influx of drug money in
need of laundering. The Cookie Monster regrets his decision to join the crew as
the enforcer, but the steady supply of Chips Ahoy from Gordon keeps him
reluctantly on the payroll. As rival gangs move in on the crew and Grover
becomes more and more self-destructive with guilt, Gordon struggles to keep his
meth empire intact. Will he cash out before the plague - or his own enterprise
- does him in?
We here at HBO are excited about the acquisition of Sesame
Street, and confident that the resulting new lineup of shows will blow you
away!”
Sesame Street was brought to you today by the letters H, B,
and O, and the number $.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2016 Marc Schmatjen
