My family and I were living a cramped, restricted life
before we made the change and set ourselves free. No, I’m not talking about
boxers vs. briefs. We finally signed up for the unlimited cell plan.
I guess it’s a matter of perspective. I mean, I remember
when cell phones hadn’t been invented yet and I used to get a phone bill with
long distance charges. That’s right kids, it used to cost more – way more – to
call someone in another area code. It was like thirty cents a minute to call
someone in another state. And you had to dial a 1 before the number! It was
crazy.
And don’t even get me started on calling someone in another
country! Not only was there a delay that made it almost necessary to say “over,”
as if you were using a CB radio, but it cost three bucks a minute. And keep in
mind, those were ‘70s and ‘80s dollars, so that’s equal to seven hundred bucks
a minute today. You didn’t call your relatives in England just to shoot the
breeze. That’s what letters were for. And don’t even get me started on air mail
postal rates…
Anyway, it was a big deal when the fist cell phone plan came
out with an unlimited calling option. That was back when we used to use our
cell phones as actual phones. Now they are more like internet browsing-enabled
video cameras that can send text messages and can also be used to make phone
calls in an emergency.
But we used to use them to call people, and it was amazing
when we no longer had to dial a 1 and we could just talk for as long as we
wanted to someone in Montana. In this case, “as long as we wanted” meant about
forty-five seconds until the call was dropped, because cell phone calls didn’t
work very well at all. And also, there was no cell reception anywhere in
Montana.
Then came texting. Believe it or not kids, when texting
first came about, no one used it because you had to hit the same button
seventeen times to make a capital “A,” and if you accidentally hit it eighteen
times, it became a Greek alpha, an exclamation point, or an apostrophe.
Then along came the Blackberry, that had the entire regular
keyboard on the front of it so you could finally text real words. The only
problem was the keys were so small that if you were born with human thumbs you
were physically unable to hit less than four of the buttons at once, so texting
had to wait a little longer.
Finally, the screen became the buttons and we could text! I
texted someone for the first time in my thirties and immediately hated it. Why
would anyone decide to type out what you wanted to say instead of just calling
them? I have unlimited calling minutes, for goodness sake!
But you crazy kids stuck with it and made it mainstream, and
now I get frustrated if I need to actually call someone instead of texting
them. My unlimited calling minutes mean nothing to me anymore. You can have
them. My unlimited texts, however, are gold.
When texting began, we had a plan that had a certain amount
of free texts and then ten cents per text if we went over. It worked at first,
because no one my age texted each other. Then it got more popular, and pretty
soon my wife was using up our free text allotment by the first Tuesday of the
month.
Unlimited texts plans became a necessity for us before Son
Number One got a phone, but that definitely would have forced the issue. An
American teenager can send two thousand texts per hour, just to one other kid
from their school that they don’t even really hang out with.
So, we added our first teenager to our cell plan, and
entered into the epic battle with the last cell phone bill hurdle – DATA. As the
phones got smaller and the technology got better, our data usage began a steady
climb. By the time Son Number One got his first phone and thirty seconds later
started streaming nine straight hours of YouTube videos, we were up to the
largest limited data plan they offered.
We set a data cap for his phone and purchased a Costco-size
tub of earplugs to put in every time he reached his data limit and came to us
to whine about how unfair life was under our roof. We had to restock the
earplugs a few times, but never the data.
Then along came Son Number Two. Limited data was simply no
longer an option. I called our carrier and offered to trade them my unlimited
call minutes for unlimited data, but they weren’t interested. So, it came time to
bite the cellular bullet and go completely unlimited.
I fought it for as long as I could, but once I swallowed the
bitter pill of my monthly bill increase, I have not looked back. Going
unlimited has been one of the best experiences of my life. I was not expecting,
and cannot really explain the feeling of total freedom it gives me.
There were times in the past when someone in the family
would accidentally turn off their Wi-Fi for days at a time. I won’t mention any
names, but her initials are “My Wife.” I eventually stopped pulling my hair out
over how that could happen and just accepted the fact that she used our entire
month of mobile data while in our living room. Do I worry about that now? Heck
no!
What’s the Wi-Fi password here? Who cares!? We have unlimited
data.
Are the boys streaming videos in the car? What do I care? We
have unlimited.
Does the Candy Crush game that runs nearly constantly on a
road trip connect to the internet to download ads? I have an unlimited plan
that says I don’t care anymore!
Is that movie in 3G? 4GLTE? 5G? Who knows and who cares? Hey
movie, you take as many G’s, L’s, T’s, and E’s as you need. We have an
unlimited amount. Get yourself a BLT while you’re at it.
I’m drunk with power. I have a movie streaming on my phone right
now that I’m not even watching. I download things now just because I can.
Our teenagers have turned unlimited data into a competition.
They give me regular updates on how much data they have used and argue with
each other about who used more and how fast they used it. I am strangely proud
of them.
Hmm… You know, come to think of it, while unlimited is
amazing, it might not be all that healthy.
Once this initial rush wears off, we might need to think
about buying another gross of earplugs and putting limits back on the boys.
And probably on ourselves, too.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2020 Marc Schmatjen
