I am thankful for many things. My health, my family, HDTV,
microbreweries, and the list goes on and on. One thing I am not thankful for,
however, is fake trees, especially around the holidays.
I’m not talking about my well-documented struggles with our
Fine Corinthian Christmas Tree, although the epic battle between man and eight-foot,
pre-lit, faux pine tree will commence all too soon. No, I’m talking about the
fake trees that “live” in our house year-round. We have three of them; two in
our living room and one in our bedroom. They are about six or seven feet tall,
with about six thousand little green leaves each, made out of some sort of space-age
nylon fabric that looks surprisingly like actual leaves. I have no idea why
military camouflage isn’t made out of the same material.
As Mr. Mom, one of my duties besides keeping the children
alive all day is cleaning the house. My wife stays involved by constantly occasionally
offering helpful suggestions on what needs to be cleaned. I take her
suggestions into consideration, but usually we’re not on the same page
regarding the urgency of the matter.
She becomes more and more inflexible on the subject of
cleanliness as the holidays approach, and she shifts to downright immobile a
few weeks before Thanksgiving. We host the family for turkey week, and somehow in
my wife’s mind, that translates to “we shouldn’t have any dust on anything, and
the toilets shouldn’t have pee on them.” Go figure.
Last year she wanted me to start cleaning the house two
weeks early. Can you imagine!? A wise person once wrote - on one of those
Facebook e-postcard things - “Trying to clean a house with kids in it is like
trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreos.” When I bring up those sage
words of advice to my wife, she just scowls at me and hands me a rag and a
bottle of some type of cleaning solution. Some people just don’t appreciate solid
internet wisdom.
So I dust. And scrub. And mop. And dust some more. Which
brings me to my dislike of our fake trees. Everything else that I have to dust
has some kind of purpose. The TV brings me life-sustaining sports programing,
the refrigerator keeps the microbrews cold, and the bookshelves hold all the
books that make it appear to guests as if we read a lot. Even the family pictures
on the walls serve a purpose. They remind us of a simpler time when the boys
were younger and weren’t as annoying. A time when they didn’t bring home so
much homework, or so many school projects that I have to complete.
But the fake trees do nothing except collect dust as if they
were in charge of attracting it from not only our house, but the entire
neighborhood.
Every fiber of my male being wants to simply take them
outside and hose them off. My wife has conveniently eliminated that option by rigidly
fixing them inside giant decorative, painted clay flower pots that weigh
roughly eight tons each. I think she got tired of having the trees fall over
onto the kids. You only have to ruin a few of those clay pots by trying to roll
them across the patio before you get the message loud and clear to stop doing
that. Even if I could find a way to get them outside without severely retexturing
their surface, the base inside the pot is covered with about five cubic yards
of moss. I can’t tell if it’s fake moss or real moss, but either way, trying to
get it out of the way would create a larger mess than the one I’m trying to
clean in the first place.
So, I am simply stuck trying to clean the trees in place.
If our house looked like I always wanted it to, this would
not be a problem. I would simply hose the trees down in place, because the
walls and floors of our home would be stainless steel, and there would be a
drain in the middle of every room. My wife insisted on plastered, painted walls
and carpet, however, “just like all the other normal people have,” so here we
are. Dust rag in hand, cleaning each and every individual leaf, one at a time.
Believe me; I tried to figure out a way to avoid a leaf-by-leaf
cleaning. The air compressor and the vacuum were problematic to say the least. And
I thought the “shaking the tree while running the whole-house fan” method would
be much more effective than it was. I did manage to shake out two Lego guys and
a sock, but no dust was removed. I even tried attaching the dust rag to my
grout mixer bar and running it with my cordless power drill, but that just
ended up twisting the little plastic tree branches up in a ball and ripping
them out of the fake wood trunk. As a result, much like a real Christmas tree,
one of our fake trees has a bald spot that needs to face the wall. Don’t tell
my wife!
At least I learned that lesson with only one of the three
trees. Actually, wait… come to think of it, we have four of them. Dammit!
There’s one up in the game room that I missed. Sorry, I have to go now. I need
to spend the next five hours of my life dusting individual leaves.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
I really don’t understand why we can’t have drains in the
floors.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2014 Marc Schmatjen
