Ask Smidge - Special Graduation Edition

Due to the incredible popularity of the first two Ask Smidge columns (and we’re using the word “incredible” in its literal meaning here), we have been flooded with questions at the new email address – asksmidge@gmail.com

A number of topics have been queried, but we have noticed a majority of you have graduation-related questions this time of year, so we’re doing a special graduation edition this week.

  

Smidge,

We don’t have kids yet, but my sister just invited us to our niece’s preschool graduation. Is that really a thing? Do we bring a gift?

Signed,

Kidless in Carson City

Dear Kidless,

Sadly, yes, preschool “graduations” have become a reality. It’s a bunch of two-foot-tall paste eaters whose only requirement for graduation was that their parents kept paying for them to be there, but they’ll “graduate,” nonetheless. Don’t be shocked if they have them in little caps and gowns! (You may, of course, be appalled at the self-celebrating state we have devolved to, just don’t be shocked.) The best gift you can bring is a flask of clear liquor for yourself, and a promise never to put your future children in a preschool that has graduation ceremonies.

Good luck!

Smidge,

Our son’s kindergarten teacher just emailed us about a “small graduation ceremony” they’re planning for the last day of school. Graduating from kindergarten? My son still can’t use scissors correctly, he licks the other kids, and he’s barely even aware that he was in school. What am I missing?

Signed,

Confused in Columbus

Dear Confused,

Please see answer above and just sub in “kindergarten” every time you see “preschool.”

Smidge,

What’s with these weird flat mortarboard hats?

Signed,

Graduating in Grand Rapids

Dear Graduating,

Funny story! The flat mortarboard cap with the tassel that every graduate dons today actually started as a fraternity prank at Tulane University in 1893. Apparently, there was quite the rivalry between Phi Delta Gamma and Kappa Kappa Theta back then, and the Phi Delts came up with a real zinger at the end of the year.

They convinced the Kappas that it was a new school policy to wear a “uniform” at graduation. Then they proceeded to get incredibly drunk and come up with the dumbest looking hat they could think of: a flat board sewed onto a skull cap, with a darling little tassel hanging off one side.

They added the gown to the mix and convinced the Kappas that it was super cool to go naked underneath. Come graduation day, the Phi Delts showed up in their caps and gowns, so the Kappas thought nothing of it. But just before hitting the stage, all the Phi Delts tossed their mortarboard caps in the air and took their robes off, unrolling their suit pants from their knees and putting on their snappy fedoras they had been hiding under the robes. They strode across the stage in their three-piece suits, leaving the poor, duped, and naked-underneath Kappas with no alternative but to wear their ridiculous caps and gowns to accept their diplomas.

The prank worked perfectly, but it backfired on the rest of us. The Tulane dean, perhaps still drunk from Mardi Gras, loved the Kappa’s outfits and adopted them for all future graduation ceremonies. Deans from neighboring colleges, not wanting to be seen as non-hip, went along, and the rest is history.   

Smidge,

My pot-smoking grandson is graduating from high school with a 2.3 GPA. What should we get him for a graduation gift?

Signed,

Unimpressed in Olympia

Dear Unimpressed,

A McDonald’s application and an alarm clock.

Smidge,

Our daughter is graduating from Dartmouth after six years. It took her a while, and more than a few student loans, but she is finally getting her art history degree. We are so proud! Any ideas for the perfect graduation gift for our little princess?

Signed,

Beaming in Boise

Dear Beaming,

$350,000, a McDonald’s application, and an alarm clock.

Happy graduation, America! Now get out there and tackle life! Or first grade.

(And remember, be sure to email all your burning questions to asksmidge@gmail.com)

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

46 at 46

I am turning 46 years old tomorrow, which is hard for my brain to accept, since it regularly tells my body I’m still 25. My elbow, my knees, and my right Achilles tendon, however, agree with the calendar.

They say with age, comes wisdom. I wish that were more true. Nonetheless, in honor of living through another trip around the sun, I have added to my list of thoughts, observations, and acquired “wisdom.”

Here it is - one for each year. You’re welcome, America.

1.  There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who prefer the toilet paper to come off the top of the roll, and those who prefer the bottom. The people who like it to come off the bottom of the roll are wrong.

2.  If beds were advertised the same way as tents, a queen-size mattress would “sleep nine adults comfortably.”

3.  The three-second rule has almost infinite extensions depending on how much you like the food that dropped.

4.  You never fully appreciate how crazy your family is until you have to explain all of them to your fiancé.

5.  I don’t understand why disappointed is not the opposite of appointed.

6.  Pi and the circumference of a circle have a similar relationship to pie and the circumference of a person.

7.  Here’s the main difference between men and women: Men can look at an ad for women's underwear and get excited. Not women in underwear, just the underwear itself. Women do not get excited looking at pictures of boxer shorts.

8.  You are wholeheartedly fooling yourself if you think the government is efficient at anything except taking your money.

9.  The clearest evidence that capitalism beats communism is that the Red Bull beverage company put a man in space. Take that, North Korea. Anheuser-Busch can probably shoot down your nukes.

10.  If you give enough money to the right charities, you will never have to buy address labels again.

11.  I am far past the electronic tipping point. I would much rather lose my wallet than my phone.

12.  You cannot use the phrase, “To be honest with you...”  without giving the listener the impression you aren’t always being honest.

13.  Life without beer, wine, and cheese would be horrible, but life without bacon would simply be pointless.

14.  When packing thirteen suitcases into the car for your wife, is it impossible to have ten of them be “on top” so she can get to them easily.

15.  Never get a woman personalized license plates like "HOT QT" or something like that, because eventually you, the boyfriend or husband, will have to drive the car and you will be mercilessly ridiculed by the rest of us.

16.  You can ask someone to do something, or you can tell them how you want it done, but you cannot do both.

17.  A good indicator of where you are in life is this: Does the advertisement of free food still affect your decision making?

18.  Fabric softener sheets go in the dryer, not the washer. Just FYI. I’m not saying I didn’t know that.

19.  There is no “t” or “t” sound in the word across. There is no “b” or “b” sound in the word supposedly. Please pronounce accordingly.

20.  Men are far more likely to clean things with spit than women are.

21.  Money and toilet paper have something in common – They’re both easy to take for granted until you run out. Also, in totally opposite, but equally dire situations, they can be substituted for each other.

22.  Everyone should drive while driving. Always.

23.  If you ask any guy to tell you a story about a time he almost died, he will have four stories just off the top of his head, and one will be from this year. If you ask women the same question, most of them will look at you like you’re crazy.

24.  One sure sign of getting old – When you start sitting down to put on your pants.

25.  Children and ceiling fans are simply incompatible. It’s science.

26.  In life, it is very important to remember where you are and why you're there. That way, when your podiatrist tells you to drop your shorts, you’ll ask some questions first.

27.  The hotel alarm clock - You can either take the time to figure out how it works before you go to bed, or you can figure it out in the dark at 4:30 A.M. when it unexpectedly goes off. Your choice.

28.  One of the funniest things ever written is this: “We’ve upped our contribution. Up yours!”

29.  People who don’t use their cruise control on the freeway should be pulled over and water-boarded.

30.  There are 21 words in the English language that need to be used more. They are: bailiwick, hootenanny, skullduggery, scofflaw, ballyhoo, shenanigans, donnybrook, catawampus, chicanery, cajoled, hullabaloo, besmirch, boondoggle, haberdashery, melee, befuddled, flummoxed, hoosegow, wiseacre, tomfoolery, and kerfuffle. Please begin immediately.

31.  Nothing is more interesting to a small child than what you are doing, provided that what you are doing is easier without small children involved.

32.  You cannot claim to be a grown woman, fully capable of taking care of yourself, and also claim that you do not know how to operate a toilet seat.

33.  We, as humans, all share a universal reaction – the automatic flinch when the driver hits the button and starts rolling up the car window under your arm.

34.  A carsick child and a blender without a lid or an off button have a lot in common.

35.  To be or not to be is not the question. The real question is, which towel in the guest bathroom am I allowed to use to dry my hands?

36.  Give a boy enough time with any object, whether it be a stale Cheerio, a bouncy ball, a doll, or a book, and he will eventually turn it into a weapon.

37.  "The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys" is a pretty accurate saying, but it leaves out the other major difference: the speed at which they heal when they fall off those toys.

38.  New parents - The best thing to do when your infant cries at night is to set a timer for ten minutes. If the timer runs out before the baby stops crying, then you may get up and reset the timer.

39.  The yahoos who wear their pants down below their butts and have to waddle with their legs spread to keep their pants from simply falling to the ground are also the yahoos who are most likely to try to run from the police at some point. That is hilarious to me.

40.  As I get older, I find myself dividing the world into two categories: People I would let watch my kids for five minutes, and people I wouldn’t.

41.  The person who invented the hotel shower curtain rod that curves out away from the tub so the shower curtain doesn’t stick to your arm should receive the Nobel prize.

42.  If you want a good example of unbridled optimism, look at your smoke alarm. They all have "test weekly" printed on them. Yes, smoke alarm company, I’ll get right on that.

43.  Guys, do you ever have trouble figuring out if you’ve had too much to drink? Here’s a handy guideline:

“There is no way I can scratch that itch on my ankle while I’m standing here peeing, so I will not try.” – You’re still OK

“I can totally do it without peeing on myself.” – You are drunk

44.  A kid’s definition of “pool toy” is different than an adult’s. We think of pool toys as something designed to be played with in a pool. They define “pool toy” as anything they own, if it happens to be brought into the pool. Like a bike or a sandwich.

45.  No matter who you are, no matter where you're from, there is one shared experience that binds us all together as one people: The sheer horror of the ketchup or mustard water falling from the unshaken bottle and contaminating your food forever. I feel your pain.

46.  If you have to choose, it makes more sense to become a strong swimmer than a strong runner. You don’t automatically die when you stop running.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

We Put the "IT" in School District

It seems our Rocklin, CA teachers are currently at odds with the school district over some aspect of their contract. I would have to assume it’s about salary and/or benefits, because, honestly, if you’re getting all the money you want, you don’t tend to argue with your boss too much. Anyway, they seem to be at a stalemate in their contract negotiations.

I have mixed feelings about the issue of teachers’ salaries. Before I became an author with flexible hours and an unnervingly flexible pay scale, I had real jobs with steady paychecks, and we only got two or maybe three weeks of vacation each year. Teachers have the only job I know of where you get sixteen paid weeks off every year, so on the one hand, I think, pipe down!

On the other hand, I think all teachers should make ten times more than what they are being paid, because besides parenting, they are doing the most important job on the planet. (And in many cases, they are doing the parenting and the teaching, because many “adults” tend to outsource the parenting job by default in favor of malt liquor.)

(I also tend to think teachers should be paid more because my wife is a teacher, and I want a boat.)

I don’t know the particulars of the stalemate, but I do know one thing: based on the metric ton of property taxes I pay, along with the regular taxes, our school district should have more money than Uruguay. I don’t know where all the money goes, but I certainly know where the money is not going. It’s not being spent on the district’s IT department.

If any money was going into IT, they would certainly be able to afford someone who could fix their communications department. Even someone with the tiniest bit of knowledge about computers and one or two iotas of common sense could fix what is obviously broken.

Here’s my problem:

Last week the school district wanted my opinion on their new English Language Arts curriculum. (That’s what they call English now. I assume they have long-term plans to eventually drop the “English” from the title and just call it Language Arts. That way we can stop being so insistent on it always having to be taught in English. Time will tell.)

Anyway, they sent me an email with a link to a survey. That’s where a normal IT department would have stopped. Not at our district!

Moments after the email arrived, they called me and left a voicemail about the fact that they sent me an email.

Mere seconds after the voicemail about the email hit my inbox, they sent me a text message - to the same phone number that they left the voicemail on - to tell me that they left a voicemail about the email. I am not making this up.

Then they sent me another email (again, I’m not making this up, I swear!) to tell me that they just left me a voicemail to let me know that they sent me an email.

Twice.

They do every single one of those things twice because I have two kids at the elementary school. The same elementary school! Last year I got all of them three times, because all three boys were there.

Three separate emails. Three separate voicemails alerting me to the emails. Three separate text messages alerting me to the voicemails regarding the emails. And three separate follow-up emails alerting me to the fact that they left me three separate voicemails about the original three separate emails.

But they only let me take the survey once.

If they can’t come up with the money for a new IT hire, maybe they could look into a sixth-grade internship. Even the kid who sits in the back of the class and eats his boogers could do better than this.  

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

The All-Cake Diet

I’m developing a new diet with the help of Son Number Two. It’s called the All-Cake Diet, and it’s mind-blowing. I’ll probably write a best-selling book about it someday.

Here’s how it works:

You start with a middle child who is the epitome of growth mindset and creativity. Make sure that child can play two or three instruments, is good at sports, can crochet blankets and sweaters, likes to shop for plywood and 2x4’s to build better-than-third-world-quality forts and structures, enjoys outdoor recreation and whittling, is good at puzzles, can rewire household electronics to make ad hoc surveillance equipment, enjoys blacksmithing and soldering, has a strong entrepreneurial streak, and isn’t afraid to make a working blender out of a water bottle, flattened nails, and a 3000-RPM DC hobby motor.

When you have that child in place, have them somehow develop an interest in baking cookies. Encourage this delicious new hobby as long as possible until the natural escalation occurs to cupcakes, and then finally, to full-scale cake baking.

At this point you will need to have shifted at least half your monthly grocery budget over to the flour/sugar/butter/cake mix line items.

Eat his practice cakes and tell him they are delicious, because they are.

When it’s his birthday, buy him books on cake decorating and a vast assortment of cake decorating tools. (At least enough to start one or two mid-sized commercial bakeries)

Be prepared to watch countless hours of Cake Boss and Next Great Baker, actually enjoying them, but at the same time marveling at how far down the spiraling vortex of entertainment we’ve traveled that these two shows even exist, and trying to imagine, if you had traveled back in time, how you would explain to your then-young grandmother that we now have multiple television shows about baking cakes.

Eat more practice cakes.

Take him to the craft store to buy something called fondant, which is, apparently, flat cake icing that does not need to be refrigerated and comes in a very expensive cardboard box, because there is no way anyone could justify charging that much for flat cake icing.

Eat more practice cakes.

Marvel at the volcano cake he decided to make for his little brother’s birthday, complete with an interior dry ice chamber to create “smoke.”

Take him to the store to buy dry ice. (And, obviously, more cake supplies.)

Eat a volcano cake.

Take a delicious one-day detour into the world of apple muffins, then return to cakes.

Learn, one morning, as he is measuring the driveway, that he plans to make a cake model of your house.

Spend the next few days cleaning up the kitchen non-stop as sheet cake after sheet cake come out of the oven and into the freezer in preparation for the big project.

During the build, hover in the kitchen to collect the cake scraps that get discarded during the house shaping process.

When the project is complete, invite the neighbors over to eat your delectable model home, which comes complete with the garage, backyard, pool, play structure, and even the dog.

The next day, thank the good Lord the house was too big to finish and there are leftovers.

Eat your garage for lunch.

So on, and so forth.

I’ve got to tell you, this new diet is amazing, and I would highly recommend it, especially if you’re as big a fan of cake as I am. I’m loving this, and I’m really seeing the results.

I am, of course, using the term “diet” in the sense of “what you eat,” and not “a way to lose weight.” Cake makes you fat.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat my front yard for dessert.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!

Accra-phobic

You’ve really got to hand it to the Ghaneze (?) The Ghanans (?) The Ghanites (?)

The folks from Ghana, anyway. They seem to be following the lead of the Nigerians, looking to better their presumably ridiculously weak economy with some good old-fashioned internet scams.

The honorable banker Mr. Charles Emmanuel got ahold of me yesterday vie email, and I gotta tell you, Chuck, your act needs some polishing. I’m obviously not going to give you my banking information for this grammatically chaotic once-in-a-lifetime offer you’ve presented me, but since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll give you some pointers. You know what they say – Fall for a man’s scam, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to scam, you feed him for a lifetime.

Dear Schmatjen,

 I have been in the search for someone that bears the name "Schmatjen" so when I saw your name I was pushed to contact you and see how best we can assist each other. I am Mr. Charles Emmanuel

Banking head of the company with a reputable bank here in Accra Ghana. I believe it is the wish of God for me to come across you on search now. I am having an important business discussion I wish to share with you which I believe will interest you because, it is in connection with your  name and you are going to benefit from it.

OK, Chuck, first off, let’s talk about American last names. I’m not sure how common a name Emmanuel is in Ghana, but Schmatjen is very rare, so right out of the gate you seem to be doing OK. Just remember, this probably won’t work with Smith, Johnson, or Hernandez. And by the way, if you made up Emmanuel for this scam, then I applaud you for invoking the name of God into your own to garner my trust. Well played.

Secondly, the terms “reputable bank” and “Ghana” don’t really go together here in America. No offense, but third-world countries such as yours don’t foster a ton of trust with us as far as fair regulatory oversight, and whatnot.

By the way, I had to look up where Ghana actually was. Turns out you’re not far from Nigeria, which makes sense. I have to ask though, what’s with the two little countries in between you guys? Togo and Benin? Have those always been there? I really don’t remember those from high school geography, but I went to public school, so who knows? And when did “The Gambia” show up, tunneling their wormy little way into Senegal from the coast? I’ll bet those guys are a pain in the ass at the cocktail parties, am I right? I mean, how pretentious do you have to be to name your country “The Gambia”? Anyway, back to your letter.

 I have a suggestion urgent action and a highly secret for you. On March 15,

2004, an Iraqi foreign oil consultant / contractor with the oil company

Chevron, Mr William Schmatjen, had fixed deposit with my bank in 2004

calendar year, valued at 18,500,000.00 (Eighteen million five hundred thousand U.S. dollars)  The date for this contract and deposit is January 30, 2010. Sadly, he was among the victims of plane crash and for more about the crash you can visit the BBC web news for the tragedy. http://newswww.bbc.net.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/oxfordshire/4537663.stm which killed

more than 2,000 people. It was  on a business trip, and that is

how he met his end.

Seriously, Chuck, I don’t even know where to start with this “urgent problem” section of your compelling email. Let’s just dive right in with your really believable-looking BBC link to a plane crash that killed 2000 people. Seriously? You’re going with 2000 people? Did the plane crash into nine other planes simultaneously, or did it spiral into a soccer stadium on my man William’s final business trip?

And thanks for telling me the exact day, month, and year of our wealthy Mr. Schmatjen’s sizable bank deposit, only to reiterate the year in the same run-on sentence, and then add a completely different date in the next sentence to confuse me.

Astonishingly, the link to the news article doesn’t seem to be working, but I see it mentions Oxfordshire, England. I actually have relatives who live in Oxfordshire. I sure hope they weren’t at that soccer game at some point between 2004-2010 and now!

 My bank management is yet to know about his death, I knew about it because he was my friend and I am his account officer. Mr.William  did not mention any Next of Kin/ Heir when the account was opened, and William  was married and no children. Last week my Bank Management requested that i should give instructions on what to do about his funds, if to renew the contract.

I’m glad to hear you were tight with William, but obviously, sad for you at the loss of such a good friend. How is his wife taking all this? I know you said he never mentioned any Next of Kin/ Heir when he opened the account, but as Banking head of a reputable bank in Accra, Ghana, I’m sure you have figured out by now that his wife would, of course, be his Next of Kin/ Heir. Pretty much the first person in line, actually. You don’t have to look any further down the old Next of Kin/ Heir chain once you find the wife. So you could just text her or something, I guess.

And why do you keep mentioning a contract? Do banks in Ghana work differently than other banks? Here in the U.S., we just deposit our money and it stays in there until we take it out. There’s no time limit, as there apparently is in Accra.

 I know this will happen and that is why I have been looking for a means to handle the situation, because if my Bank Directors happens to know that William  is dead and do not have any Heir, they will take the funds for their personal use, so I don't want such to happen. That was why when I saw your last name I was happy and I am now seeking your co-operation to present you as Next of Kin/ Heir to the account, since you have the same last name with him and my bank head quarters will release the account to you. There is no risk involved; the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.

Well, first of all, let me just breathe a huge sigh of relief that there will be no risk of “breach of law” involved for me perjuring myself in a foreign country by claiming to be someone I’m not in order to snag a cool eighteen million bucks. Whew! For a minute there I thought this might be shady.

And I thought you told me you were the Banking head? Why are you letting these Bank Director idiots push you around and steal our money for their personal use? You’re the Banking head, dammit! Tell those Directors to pound sand. Or you could simply direct them toward Dead Bill’s wife. Either way.

 It is better that we clam the money, than allowing the Bank Directors to take it, they are rich already. I am not a greedy person, so I suggested we share the funds equal, 50/50% to

both parties, and will help me to start my share of my company, which was my dream.

Those rich sumbitches! Why are they always trying to take the cash that neither of us have any rightful claim to, either? I am not a fan of the Directors.

By the way, you might want to review what the word “reputable” means in the dictionary. You started this communication using that word to describe your bank, but I’m not sure all this conspiracy and shenanigans from the Banking head and the Bank Directors really qualifies your organization for that distinction.

And for Pete’s sake, Chuck, don’t use the past tense when telling me about your dreams. Never give up, man! I might not be falling for this ill-conceived train wreck of a plan, but someone out there might. And when they do, you’ll finally be able to start that GhanaBurger franchise you’ve always wanted. That is your dream, not was. Chin up, old boy, as they say in Oxfordshire.

 Let me know your opinion on this subject, please deal with this information

and the highest

Secret ballot.

Please get back to me with my email address private (charlesemmanuel00@gmail.com) and we will go over the details once i receive

your reply soon.

 Have a nice day, and I am waiting for your contact.

Regards,

Charles Emmanuel

charlesemmanuel00@gmail.com

Here’s where I have to apologize, Chuck. I don’t really know what “deal with this information and the highest Secret ballot” means, but I’m guessing my nationwide weekly column wouldn’t qualify under your definition. Sorry to betray all that trust we’ve built up over the years of you being fake friends with a pretend rich guy with my same last name who had a wife but no next of kin.

I wish we could have split his 18,500,000.00 (Eighteen million five hundred thousand U.S. dollars) equal 50/50% to both parties, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

I just don’t feel like you’re as “reputable” as you’d like me to believe. Although, there might be one thing that would change my mind… Since you were such pals with old Iraqi Oil Bill, get back to me and tell me how Schmatjen is pronounced. Then we’ll talk.

See you soon,

-Smidge

Copyright © 2018 Marc Schmatjen

Check out The Smidge Page on Facebook. We like you, now like us back!

Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com Author Page  for all his books. Enjoy!