Here at Just a Smidge, we continue to gain new readership
each year. This past year alone we have documented as many as two new readers.
So, for both of you just joining us, welcome! Let’s start the New Year with a
little meet and greet, shall we?
Hi. I’m Marc Schmatjen, aka Smidge, and I’m the lone staff
writer and head janitor here at Just a Smidge. Based on how much money I make
writing this column, it would be inaccurate to call this my job, so let’s just
go with “hobby.” It would be fun to be able to contribute to the mortgage
payment and the food bill, however, so
if you know anyone looking to syndicate a humor column, there’s an imported
beer of your choice in it for you in exchange for an introduction.
I am a forty-six-year-old husband of one and father of
three. My wife is an amazing woman who teaches high school kids math, which
means she was born with an unnaturally high level of patience. This is a good
thing, because it makes it possible for her to love me (or at least tolerate
me), and it also allows her to do her job. Most days, however, the high school
kids eat into her patience reserves a little too much, not leaving enough left
over for dealing with me. I sleep on the couch a lot during the school year.
We have three boys, whom we affectionately refer to as Son
Number One, Two, and Three. Two of them are teenagers and all three of them are
loud and smelly and they eat a lot.
Anyway, enough about my wife and kids. Let’s talk more about
me. Here are twenty other things that you should probably know about me:
1) I am a phenomenal driver, an amazing cook, and a
first-rate housekeeper.
2) My grandfather killed General Patton's dog. That is the
single most historically outstanding thing anyone in my family has done. We are
a proud people.
3) Walking out into bright sunlight makes me sneeze. I am
one of only an estimated seven people in the world with this disorder. We have
a club. I inherited this trait from my grandmother, whose husband once killed
General Patton’s dog.
4) I am loosely related to a U.S. president, but I’m not
sure which one. I think it's either Grover Cleveland or Woodrow Wilson, but I
don't care. I would only be excited if it was Teddy Roosevelt, and it isn't.
5) A few of my literary heroes are Roald Dahl, Erma Bombeck,
Michael Connelly, and Dave Barry. My grandfather did not kill any of their dogs,
that I am aware of.
6) I believe society would be better served if we could
bring back these words into everyday use: Bailiwick, Hootenanny, Skullduggery, Scofflaw,
Ballyhoo, Shenanigans, Donnybrook, Catawampus, Chicanery, Cajoled, Hullabaloo, Besmirch,
Boondoggle, Melee, Befuddle, Flummox, Hoosegow, Wiseacre, Tomfoolery, and Kerfuffle.
7) As an author and a writer, I am not afraid to say that
books of non-rhyming “poetry” with
sentences like, “My mind is a seedless grape, grasping to comprehend the melancholy
oration, drowning in a cacophony of humanity…” etc., are written by people who
are too scared to attempt to write anything that is required to make sense.
8) I am slightly over six feet tall, I weigh around 200
pounds, and I have the bladder capacity of a four-year-old. Unfortunately, Son
Number Three inherited this trait. He is ten and has the bladder capacity of a
hamster.
9) My three favorite flavors are burnt pepperoni, slightly
burnt bacon, and well-toasted sesame seeds. Basically, if it has caught on
fire, I want to eat it. Except for my s’more marshmallows. Those should only be
browned.
10) I was in shape once. I swam 100,000 yards in one week
when I was in high school. I could not swim more than 50 yards or so today
without needing a floatation device, an oxygen tank, and a defibrillator.
11) I love bacon and I sit all day. See number 10.
12) I constantly get my left and right mixed up. This makes
driving directions with my wife fun.
13) I am a recovering engineer, so I know there are only 10
kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
14) My favorite joke of all time is:
A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing
but underwear made out of Saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him
and says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."
15) I like writing dialogue.
“You do?” they asked in unison.
“Yes. I do,” he said solemnly.
16) I love most foods (see number 10), but I have a deep,
abiding hatred for cantaloupe. If bacon is a 10, cantaloupe is a negative 3000.
17) I love to travel and I love to stay home, but I don’t
want an RV. Go figure.
18) My absolute favorite thing that has ever happened on
this earth – and I am including my marriage and the birth of my children in
that – was when the Oregon State Highway Division tried to disintegrate a dead
whale with a half-ton of dynamite in 1970. I wasn’t around yet, but thankfully
they had video cameras back then. (Just Google “Oregon Exploding Whale.”)
19) Coincidently, my favorite thing ever said on television
– and I am including anything ever uttered on The Newlywed Game – came from KATU
Channel 2 newsman Paul Linnman in 1970 after the whale dynamite was detonated.
When large chunks of whale rained down on people and cars over a quarter-mile
away, Paul noted, completely deadpan, “The blast blasted blubber beyond all
believable bounds.”
20) My wife is still laughing right now about number 1.
So, there you have it, folks. You now know everything you
need to know about me. We'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming
next week.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
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