The Fourth of July is a special time for me, and not just
because of the magnificent pairing of beer and explosives. I have always loved
celebrating our freedom, but the last couple of years have been extra special,
because it was around this time in July of 2013 when I extricated myself from
the business world to become a full-time writer.
Now, when I celebrate our freedom as Americans, I also have
a little mini personal celebration of my daily freedom from having a boss. I
guess I should say, a boss that I’m not married to. Two years ago I traded one
boss for another, but my new one is much easier to work with, and I can sleep
with her without it being an ethical issue.
Prior to my incredibly liberating decision to quit my job, I
had an eighteen-year career in engineering. While I don’t miss much about the
working world, I do miss the people now and again. I worked with a lot of good,
smart people, a lot of good but not-so-smart people, and a few folks that can
only be categorized as brain-dead.
Strangely, it’s the brain-dead ones I miss the most. They
were never easy to work with (or for), but if you could survive the
frustrations, they did provide a level of entertainment that you just can’t get
anywhere else.
Sure, now I’m home with my kids, and they say ridiculous
things.
“Dad! He hit me in the nuts with an X-wing fighter.”
“Only because he just bit my butt.”
That’s all well and good for a laugh, but it’s slightly
tempered because it’s to be expected from young kids. The real true comedy
comes from when those inane comments are coming from a grownup. When you get
that kind of idiocy from a colleague, a client, or your boss, that’s comedy
gold.
Over my career (perhaps sensing that someday I would become
a writer), I wrote down some of the verbal gems that I received. Here are some
of the highlights:
Geography
I was talking with someone about a company’s operations in Thailand,
and he kept referring to the workers as “Taiwanese.”
Importing people from
a different country seems unnecessary.
I overheard this conversation in a break room once:
World Traveler: “I lived in Europe for two years. My
favorite part was driving between all the different countries.”
Geography Major: “Did you ever drive over to Australia?”
WT: “Uh... I was in Europe. I did drive to Austria a bunch
of times. It was great.”
GM: “I’ll bet the beaches were nice, huh?”
WT: “Uh...”
I’ll bet if that other
company opened a facility in Australia they would staff it with Austrians.
English as a second language – Awesomely, however, every
single one of these gems come from people born and raised in ‘Merca
I had someone substitute the word “oversight” for “insight”
in a phone call and not skip a beat. “Your excellent oversight with that
problem...”
Yes, any time I can
help by overlooking your problems, I’m happy to do so.
I worked with a guy for a long time who just made up words.
My favorite was “squose.” He believed it was the past tense or past participle
of squeeze. He would say to clients
things like, “We squose four into the same space.” It was magical.
“Not the most eloquent solution”
Irony isn’t even a
good enough word.
And then, just to really keep everyone on their toes, the
same guy said, “In his eloquent way, he picked a Thursday to start the project.”
You aren’t even using the word wrong the
same way. How many incorrect meanings do you think it has and what are they??
Someone talking about the honor his son was receiving for
high school graduation:
“He’s graduating magna cum lau, or whatever”
So I guess the milkman
helped him with his homework all these years?
"I point-blank alluded to him"
Nope, nope, nope,
nope.
And my favorite category: Idioms – Know when and how to
use them – and most importantly, what they mean. Again, awesomely, all from born
and bred ‘Mercans
“Now he’s singing to the choir”
In the context of the
conversation, this was a wonderful mixture of “singing a different tune” and
“preaching to the choir.”
“He wants me at his call and beckon”
A good example of the
rule – if you don’t know the idiom, don’t try to use it.
“This hits home right between the eyes”
It does?
“That’s been their Achilles' heel in their side...
or however you want to say it”
However I want to say
it? I guess if it was up to me, I would choose one or the other
- Achilles' heel or thorn in their side. That's just me, though.
“Take the political middle of the ground”
I think it was a combination
of high ground and middle of the road.
“I'm treading on a gray area”
Uh...?Possibly a
mixture of “thin ice” and “gray area,” although, one of those is a lot worse
than the other, so I’m not sure how serious this is.
“He beat him to the punchline”
Sure he did.
“Squealing like a stuffed pig”
Stuffed... stuck...
they all squeal.
“The ship is sailing, but no one's at the helm, and we're
not tied up to the port”
Uh... say what?
“I would undress him with both barrels”
Dress down, maybe? Or unload? Or are
there some other issues you want to discuss?
“Didn't mean to throw gasoline on an open wound, there”
Fire... salt... who
can keep track of all this stuff?
“Just tell them we’re keeping our pulse on it”
I would tell them
that, but I don’t want to confuse them.
“I took it as a grain of salt”
Like, it was really
small?
“Shot it up the ladder”
This was supposed to be “run it up the
flagpole.” The only thing they got right was “it up the.”
“The ball is in my court, but I don’t have a player on the
other side of the net”
Huh?
“We don’t want any black toes on this one”
Yes, frostbite is not a good option. My
best guess is it was a hybrid of “black eyes” and “stubbed toes.”
“They’re breathing down my throat”
He meant “breathing
down my neck,” but the misuse of the idiom left a visual that I couldn’t unsee
inside my mind.
“I’m trying to tread water lightly on this one”
Jesus? Is that you?
They say freedom isn’t free, and that’s very true. I may not
be tied to an eight-to-five office life anymore, but that freedom came at a
cost. I lost out on a regular supply of this kind of comedy magic.
I mean, sure, one of my sons just told me he accidentally
dropped his underwear in the toilet when he was peeing. That will be a
hilarious story, but the fact remains that I still have to clean it up.
Happy Independence Day! God bless ‘Merca!
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2015 Marc Schmatjen
Also visit Marc’s Amazon.com
Author Page for all
his books. Enjoy!
