The internet is an amazing thing. Prior to its invention, it
was not possible for me to spend nine consecutive hours watching videos of the
greatest plays in major league baseball history from the comfort of my own home
office desk, where my legs have fallen hopelessly asleep like the rest of me
should be because it’s three in the morning. But the internet makes that
possible.
But for all the obvious benefits, I’m getting a little
concerned that there may be some unintended consequences associated with having
unlimited information at our fingertips. Especially when that information doesn’t
seem to be vetted by anyone with an IQ above that of celery, as I discovered on
a recent Google search.
For a reason that escapes me, I was Googling the definition
of “righteous.”
The first result was an official-looking box labeled “Dictionary,”
with the apparently official definition. I say apparently, because I was more
than a little skeptical after I read the whole thing.
Being in the second half of my forties, also known as the “My
Knees Hurt” half, I grew up with real dictionaries printed on paper and
compiled in book form. They were large, cumbersome, comprehensive, and in all
my years growing up and into adulthood, no single person I am aware of ever
called into question the validity of a word definition found in one of these
books. Dictionaries were, by definition, the bible of definitions. No arguments.
If it says it in there, that’s how it is.
I even still have one on my desk, an arm’s reach from my
computer, but most times it’s just easier and faster to Google a word. I’m
re-thinking that laziness now.
The first definition of “righteous” given to me by Google
seemed perfectly legitimate:
adjective
1.
(of a person or
conduct) morally right or justifiable; virtuous.
"feelings of
righteous indignation about pay and conditions"
OK, I’ll accept that. Makes sense.
Do you know what didn’t make any sense? The second
definition:
2.
INFORMAL•US
very good; excellent.
"righteous bread
pudding"
Um… huh?
I mean, I agree with the initial definition. I grew up using
the informal US-based slang term “righteous” to denote anything that was extra
cool. That’s not in question. It’s your choice of example sentence, dear
Google, that I have issue with.
Bread pudding!? Seriously? You needed to come up with an
example of something a hip, informal US slang user would say, and “this is some
righteous bread pudding” was the winner?
No informal slang user, US-based or otherwise, has ever
uttered the words “righteous” and “bread pudding” in the same sentence. I’m not
sure where you’re from, or even what bread pudding really is, but I’m quite
sure you’re not from Earth, and bread pudding has never been even remotely righteous.
This utter lack of common sense and culinary decency calls
into question every single thing you might tell me ever again. You have lost my
trust with your ridiculous example sentence, and driven me back to my trusty, tangible,
paper bible of words.
I mean, I expect this kind of thing from Wikipedia, but not
you, Google. I thought you were better than this.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to watching the
highlights from every world series in history.
Righteous bread pudding! You should be ashamed of
yourselves.
See you soon,
-Smidge
Copyright © 2019 Marc Schmatjen
