Help! I’m in North
Carolina, vacationing with my extended family and they’ve turned against me. It
seems they’ve taken exception to some of the things I’ve written about them in
the past. They’ve threatened to lock me in a closet and hijack this column.
Here they come now… Don’t
believe a word they say…
Hi All,
Marc is on vacation this week. Today’s column is brought to
you by ghostwriters who may or may not be related to Marc, and who may or may
not be on vacation with Marc in the Outer Banks. Many of the numerous
ghostwriters herein may or may not have been previously featured in Marc’s
columns, and may or may not see this as a prime opportunity to have “equal air
time” so they may enlighten you… as there are two sides to every story.
Those of us in the family have realized that any time Marc
is bored, or does not want to empty the dishwasher, suddenly it becomes “time for
him to go write this column.” We’re on to you now. [This week, it’s suddenly
“time to go crabbing,” which is just a clever substitute for “it’s time to
write my column,” because we know HE is not writing his column.]
While the vacationing columnist will frequently take
literary license, everything you are about to read is 100% true. Authenticated
and verified.
Sugar Grandma pleads the Fifth on the aforementioned Slurpee
Incident….and says indignantly, “This from the guy who when the curtains are
pulled and the neighbors aren’t around eats chocolate chips straight from the fridge,
and can’t pass a up a three-gallon fill-up on a road trip because he’s out of
Peanut M&M’s.” [And, by the way, it was AUNTIE who bought the donuts this
morning, NOT her.] Considering the fact that she’s spending the week in a house
with seventeen of his closest relatives, and he controls access to her
grandchildren, she has wisely opted to limit her comments to the obvious:
1. Once you reach a certain age - that being the age you are
when your first grandchild is born - you can do anything you want, so why
wouldn’t you?
2. All the furniture, clothing, sports equipment, toys,
camping gear, and generally cute “stuff” she has brought to his house with
love, are just things he won’t have to clean out of her house later when she
dies.
3. Whatever made him think free babysitting wasn’t costly?
Sister, Slayer of the Nutritional Yeast and Purveyor of the
Mahvelous Margarita goes on record as saying that anything positive posted
about her is absolutely true, and anything negative, well… see the
aforementioned Sugar Grandma pleading the Fifth thing. And, I too, am a fan of
the Oxford comma. Punctuate on.
Niece Abby, aka Abbazabbadoodle: He’s AWESOME! And he took
me crabbing. [The vacationing columnist agrees and has approved this message.]
Son Number One: I didn’t do it.
Son Number Two: It wasn’t me.
Son Number Three: What happened?
Nefarious Nephew… when pressed for comment: He’s awesome and
he’s good at building stuff. [The vacationing columnist agrees, and is
forwarding Nefarious Nephew’s twenty-dollar payment post haste.]
IAArena008: I have writer’s block. Good thing I don’t
normally write this column.
Papa Doc: Which of us has not suffered the slings and arrows
of Smidge, the Mad Columnist? It’s only fair that the anonymous masses get a
chance to speak their piece… perhaps not so anonymously.
Auntie M: I’ve met the rest of the family, and I’m no longer
going to believe a word he writes.
Youngest Cousin and Last Shrunken Head on the Charm
Bracelet: He did teach me all the words to Love Shack at an inappropriately-young
age. Rusted.
Nana (mom): I want the world to know that all of Marc’s
Lifetouch photos from his school days were absolutely perfect.
The Wife: There is simply not enough space in this column for
an adequate retort to nine years of suffering my husband’s “literary license.” In
the interest of preserving my fifteen-year marriage, I’m going to stop there. Ditto
to Sugar Grandma’s pleading the Fifth.
We are having trouble finding anyone else willing to
comment. They seem to fear a backlash of “literary license” in future columns.
Go figure. So, we will close by taking this opportunity to mention that all
writing credits from the columnist’s literary catalog should also give honorable
mention to moms, moms-in-law, older sisters, dads, aunts, nieces, nephews and
cousins who contribute free fabulous editorial and marketing support.
We have to wrap this up now, anyway. We need to let Marc out
of the closet we’ve locked him in. It’s time for him to go crabbing again.
See you soon,
-Relatives of Smidge
Copyright © 2017 Marc Schmatjen
